2017 In Review


We're reflecting. It's the last couple of days of 2017 and everyone is in reflecting mode.

Some folk are making resolutions. Others are laughing at the goal getters...while others are sneering at the goal getters. I'm just trying to survive. Z is sick. Mark and I keep teetering on the edge of the sick. Just trying to dodge the sick. I should buy stock in thieves and Kleenex.

But I have had tiny moments of contemplation. Seconds where I've flashbacked on this year and thought, "It wasn't the worst."

Yes, there was political hell... and loss. So much loss, but something amazing also happened in the midst of all the damn chaos.

I realized I'm smack dab right in the middle of my wonderful dream and I'm happy.

Yeah there are lots of hard days. I cried a lot this year. At the beginning of 2017 I would get physically sick every time I saw my ex manager's name pop up on my phone or in an email. On my birthday that woman had the nerve to yell at me and tell me she didn't have time for someone like me--"an over 35, non-union nobody" and just like that I picked up my jaw and fired that God awful daughter of a female dog.

I won't lie to you: After I hung up on her I immediately freaked out. Had I ruined my only shot? Even worse question: Was she right? Was I a nobody?

A week later a casting director told me the folks from This is Us wanted me to be a part of their promo.

A month after that I booked Avery Road, a short film that I am deeply proud of.

I then booked a SAG commercial that popped me out of the non union box and allowed me to spiritually stick it to that damn ex manager. It felt good. It felt really good.

I then booked a SAG national commercial (the unicorn dream for many an actor) AND also acted in this amazing PSA concerning sexual assault that I am also deeply proud of.

I don't list all of this to brag or pimp my resume for all of the Ava Duvernays who may be reading my blog. I list it all because I literally didn't process any of this year until earlier this week and only then did I realize I've done exactly what I always wished to do.

No I'm not a big time fancy actor walking red carpets, but that was never the dream--just a flashing image of what everyone said the dream should look like. My literal dream was to act in a great film. I have done that. I worked hard AF this year. I made lots of sacrifices and ran myself into the ground trying to juggle auditions, motherhood, marriage, and my friendships. I was moving so fast I never stopped long enough to look around at where I was landing.

I've met so many talented and gloriously good people in the industry. I have fairy godsisters working their black girl magic for me and making plans because they see it. Even better, I see it. I no longer doubt I belong here. I no longer fear that it won't happen. I have no idea what my brand of making it will look like each year, but I've made something and I love it so far. And I'll make something great in 2018. I just feel like if you want something bad enough you'll get your butt in that lane and sooner or later you'll get to where you want to get. Even in LA--the land of traffic hell--you'll get there.

Packing this kind of knowledge is powerfully delicious, y'all. It's a super power for sure and I like it. (CUE SONG!)

I have no resolutions. This is what I'm bringing into 2018:  The lessons and the muther trucking truths I've learned this year. I'm bringing self respect, my boundary markers, my instincts, my happiness, my fight and my grit. I'm bringing art and possibility. I'm bringing kindness and curiosity. I'm bringing me.

This was my year of magic. I got into crystals (I'm a hippie. It was only a matter of time) and ardently wrote down wishes I wanted and then plopped my crystals on top. Fast forward some. We recently bought our first home. A few days ago I finally got around to unpacking my box with the crystals and intentions and decided I'd revisit the list. One of the wishes was to own a home in Los Angeles...something I honestly thought would never happen for us.

Yet, here we are. Things are breaking and the contractor is trying me, but we have a home and have moved far far away from the no good, totally rotten slum lord who was constantly putting my child in harm's way. (If that ain't motivation to own!) Don't sleep on the crystals. Unless it's amethyst. That's GREAT for good dreaming!

My dreams are here.  I've processed a tiny portion of that. Maybe when Z drops the fever and I no longer feel like the flu and a cold are both trying to live in my body at the same time I'll be able to process. I don't know if it's humanly possible to allow a dream realized to come rushing in all at once. I liken it to letting the sun bum rush my body much like the ghosts from the movie, Ghost. You know, when Sam swoops into Oda Mae.



So ya, I can't say it was a totally no good, dirty rotten a year. It was magical. Hard, but magical. 


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