Timeline Terror

2.25.2016

I know comparisons rob us of our joy. I also know that we're not robots and we have our own timelines to follow. That still hasn't stopped me from the thoughts that start bombarding my brain once I lie down in bed and try to shut down for the night.

I feel like acting is slipping through my fingers...that maybe I missed my chance somewhere in the ten years I've been in LA. I'm not sure when, but friends are doing the damn thing all around. Heck, younger friends are accomplishing their goals and just blowing the hell up with good fortune. I see careers taking off and people living out their purposes and yet I'm here... almost 35 and I'm still in the exact same place I was when I arrived to LA; green and hungry.

I'm tired now. I have a small child and she and I are physically connected which makes film shoots and sets seem like a dream I shouldn't even be allowed to hope for.

I've been working on a writing pitch for a contest. I'm not a writer. I'm not even close to writing fiction well, but I realized a while back that I was acting like an insane person. I was doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. So I decided I'd take a chance. So I'm writing and it is hard. My brain hurts. I've been on my deathbed for two weeks now; so my window for creative time is about 15 minutes once the kid goes to sleep. 15 minutes...then I pump and go to bed myself.

I think maybe it would have been better if I had never had a dream. Maybe I'd be content with a full time desk job and life would be happier.

I had an audition the other day I did not want to go to. It required me to be super fit according to the breakdown (um, I haven't worked out in over two years) and do a bunch of rigorous activity which scared me shitless considering the plague I've been living with affects my lungs and energy levels. I did it, though. My agency said it would show that I'm a team player... I thought, "of COURSE I'll get this one because I really put myself out there."

Then I didn't get the callback... and my writing needs a bit a lot more work and I found myself back in that familiar place of hopelessness where I don't know what to do. Not one flipping clue.

I wonder if there are others out there like me. Like I said, everyone around me is doing the dang thing. They're booking jobs and they're happy with their careers and their art and their work. I'm just trying to find my place and my purpose...because I'm slowly figuring out that maybe the world has been hinting at me for years that acting isn't going to happen for me.

I read this great quote on someone's Instagram recently: "Blowing out someone else's candle doesn't make yours brighter."

It's not that I worry about blowing someone else's out. I worry that people will just stop inviting me to the party because my inability to shine is somehow contagious.

Like I said, scary thoughts as I lie down for bed.

It's been awhile since I've written...this is why.
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