Writing has always been my way of connecting and checking in with myself. Ipso facto: I've been a zombie -- spiraling through the days; just trying to get to baby bed time.
It's kind of scary how easy it is to just check out.
I haven't really been checking emails. I haven't been super visible on social media. I don't text or chat with friends. I do baby time, day in and day out and since she's terribly impatient she's decided to try out the terrible two's basically a year early. I'm going batty.
All that to say it was time for a check in. I write out where I am in my life and then I read back over that ish and begin to process.
My current state:
- I've gone back to the gym. I can't get anything consistent in right now because schedules with my kid are impossible, but back I've gone. Trying for three days a week. So far I've managed two. I'm trying to get back anything I can from my former life. It's a hard one for sure.
- I submitted the beginnings of a pilot for a Sundance writing competition and recently found out I did not advance.
- We were robbed and then got robbed again once we figured out our renter's insurance is a tool created by the devil.
- My child is a prodigy; skilled in the art of tantrum, food strikes and biting.
- My tribes and friend connections are dwindling. For so many reasons it's hard to maintain friendships after having a baby.
- We're trying to leave Los Angeles. (I've mentioned this in a previous post.) I'm spinning so many wheels and getting no where. I'm running myself ragged trying to keep up with my full time job, auditions, the kid, my home, married life but failing at all of it. ALL of it. It's super frustrating to feel pooped from all the running around only to plop down on the couch at 7 each night wondering where all my hard work has gone.
I suppose lots of folks share these sentiments. Some are able to bounce through them quickly; chalking the bad times up as fleeting..they have enough good going on to counterbalance the hiccups, but what do you do when everything on your path is failing? Lately I've felt a lot like Alice. That stupid dog just keeps following me...sweeping away all my progress. It's maddening for sure.
In the past I'd fight back. I'd look for new ways to find happiness, try new doors, new paths to knock me and my family off our current dead end path onto a better one, but I've finally collapsed after running on fumes for months.
Now I'm just hoping some fortunate, happy accident falls in our lap and helps us improve the current state we find ourselves in. I'm praying for the biggest, best life rope to come and save the day. It's miracle time or bust.