Miracle Time or Bust


Writing has always been my way of connecting and checking in with myself. Ipso facto: I've been a zombie -- spiraling through the days; just trying to get to baby bed time.

It's kind of scary how easy it is to just check out.

I haven't really been checking emails. I haven't been super visible on social media. I don't text or chat with friends. I do baby time, day in and day out and since she's terribly impatient she's decided to try out the terrible two's basically a year early. I'm going batty.

All that to say it was time for a check in. I write out where I am in my life and then I read back over that ish and begin to process.

My current state:

  • I've gone back to the gym. I can't get anything consistent in right now because schedules with my kid are impossible, but back I've gone. Trying for three days a week. So far I've managed two. I'm trying to get back anything I can from my former life. It's a hard one for sure.
  • I submitted the beginnings of a pilot for a Sundance writing competition and recently found out I did not advance.
  • We were robbed and then got robbed again once we figured out our renter's insurance is a tool created by the devil. 
  • My child is a prodigy; skilled in the art of tantrum, food strikes and biting. 
  • My tribes and friend connections are dwindling. For so many reasons it's hard to maintain friendships after having a baby. 
  • We're trying to leave Los Angeles. (I've mentioned this in a previous post.) I'm spinning so many wheels and getting no where. I'm running myself ragged trying to keep up with my full time job, auditions, the kid, my home, married life but failing at all of it. ALL of it. It's super frustrating to feel pooped from all the running around only to plop down on the couch at 7 each night wondering where all my hard work has gone. 

I suppose lots of folks share these sentiments. Some are able to bounce through them quickly; chalking the bad times up as fleeting..they have enough good going on to counterbalance the hiccups, but what do you do when everything on your path is failing?  Lately I've felt a lot like Alice. That stupid dog just keeps following me...sweeping away all my progress. It's maddening for sure.

In the past I'd fight back. I'd look for new ways to find happiness, try new doors, new paths to knock me and my family off our current dead end path onto a better one, but I've finally collapsed after running on fumes for months. 

Now I'm just hoping some fortunate, happy accident falls in our lap and helps us improve the current state we find ourselves in.  I'm praying for the biggest, best life rope to come and save the day. It's miracle time or bust. 

Deserve Your Dream


"Deserve your dream." ~ Octavio Paz

I'm trying Octavio! I'm trying, damn it!

I now have a manager...which means I FINALLY get to audition for tv and film. Now I just have to stop having panic attacks every time an audition comes in. 

I've been struggling with the joy that follows all of this dream work. I'm auditioning for commercials which isn't what my dream consisted of...commercials pay the bills. They're not set up to help your craft or keep the creative juices flowing...which is why I find little joy in doing them.

They require lots of time. They require me to sacrifice work hours and family time. I'd rather save those kinds of sacrifices for the actual dreams I have. 

It's been almost 11 years, people. 

It's time. I deserve it damn it. 

Los Angeles Has a Due Date. Who Knew?


I thought I'd never see the day. I want to leave Los Angeles.

Don't freak. I'm not so down with ditching the dream quite yet, but studios and work are popping up all over the country. It's no longer necessary to be in this expensive ass city.

The other day I was walking through our neighborhood with Z and stumbled upon a two bedroom home that's for sale...it's going for $1.1 million dollars. Two bedrooms, y'all. I almost lost my shit in front of strangers.

When the average Joe can't afford a tiny arse two bedroom home...when you have to be a millionaire to breath in this city it's time to go. There's no silly attempts at keeping up with the Joneses...we know better.

We want to be able to breath and live and that means leaving damn LA. Forget the perfect weather! Forget the beaches and the no bug livin' la vida loca nights! Give me an affordable home with a backyard that Z can play in and room to breath and live. Truly live. Not just survive.

One of our good family friends visited us tonight. She was lighter... more carefree and truly happy. And it was all because her and her husband have decided to ditch LA and move back to their home state. She makes six figures and can't afford a home in LA. There's something wrong with that. And now she doesn't have to worry about private schools because the public schools here suck balls...she doesn't have to worry about housing and slumlords and all the other crap that comes with LA living. I'm so jealous it hurts. I've told her she has to text me every day while she house hunts so I can live vicariously through her. It's only right.

That was the final straw. I've put an expiration date on LA. If I haven't booked anything by December we're leaving. And I won't be sad. We're thinking Austin, Texas... I will gladly take on that damn heat and water bugs for a house with a backyard.

When moms are asking me if I've started applying to pre schools that are the same price as some community college tuitions I know I'm in the wrong place. When I sweat shopping at Whole Foods because a splurge there could break my damn bank...It's time to go. Middle folk have no business living amongst the haves. Hi, my name is Tish and I am a Have Not. For now.

I'm growing up, y'all. I'm not going to stubbornly hold on to this place at my family's expense.

...and now I'm reading this; finally admitting all this to myself and taking a moment to truly process it all.

When did I grow up?

Holy shit.
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