I've had a terrible, no good, bad time for far too long.
Hyperbolic moment: This terrible, no good, bad time falls somewhere between "less than my whole life but more than a comfortable rut."
I had a bad bell pepper yesterday. I saw the rotten part and instead of throwing the whole thing out I decided not to be wasteful. I cut the bad parts out and ate the rest. And it was delicious. Made a great salad.
So right now I'm trying to figure out how to cut all the bad out so I can happily eat my metaphorical life salad. I seriously need to know what to do with the bad. There's a lot. This is gonna sound dumpy. I apologize. It is.
So acting is hard shit. It's so hard and I can't seem to figure out how to get started. I'm just failing at it all so miserably. I decided I'd enter a writing contest and try to create my own doors into the business except this morning I found out my pitch wasn't accepted into the next round. That was an ouch, but I'm super used to rejection...except then I started seeing all the folks around me who are SAG. And I started to wonder if my rejection is a bit worse than others...life so bad maybe I should take a hint. I've been here ten years (almost 11) and I have ONE lousy voucher.
Back to how my day began to fester and rot...
I was rejected. I was feeling some kind of way about having absolutely no leads or bright ideas about what the hell to do to get my career moving AND I had to continue to work and play the part with my current full time job. Working at a place that doesn't value you or the work you do gets super snazzy when your dream job starts to drift and go fuzzy. I managed to remain whole and not lose my shit to"the man" but then I was reminded that I've been at this company for ten years...and have been passed on a deserved promotion three times. Go sit in a corner, Tish.
Went and picked up my daughter. Clearly sensing it was a perfect time to go ape shit; she unleashed an epic meltdown upon me followed by a messy poop, but I still felt okay. "Hey acting is suffering, but I've got this mom thing going on so it's understandable. We can't have it all, right?"
Then her pediatrician called and told me I had missed a doctor's appointment we had been waiting a month for. I just plum dumb forgot.
And that's when I lost it. Full on mega tears...sobs...the works while pushing my daughter in her stroller in our neighborhood. (i.e. totally crying in public.) "Okay so this mom thing is suffering too. Can anything go right?"
I was supposed to go to a friend's going away party tonight, but I knew me going and spreading my gloom and doom vibe wouldn't be the nicest way to say goodbye. Plus, I have rice and purple cauliflower in my hair from my darling daughter's dinner drumming session. I have heartburn, a stomach ache...The bouncers would have bounced me right back to my car. Do not pass go, Tish. Go back to the damn corner!
Basically I'm winning.
It all seems pretty rotten. I had a moment where I saw a sliver of a silver lining (say that five times fast.) I thought I could write a post and make it funny and turn my frown upside and booty bump it out the door, but the more I write the more I sit here thinking my salad is screwed.
I feel like the sad astronaut in the movies who spins out of control with nothing to grab onto. What the heck do I do?!
Do I write a web series?! How the hell do people produce that shit?! I don't know how to make movies! I've never been in one, remember!?
Do I just continue to show up to these draining commercial auditions and hope it somehow/magically leads to some tv/film casting director seeing my work? Dear GOD that depresses me.
Do I give up?
I don't even have questions formed for the parenting/mom shat.
Full-time job questions? The damn thing pays the majority of our bills...our insurance... Just pray I don't get canned? I got nothing else.
Okay so the dump is over. Did you make it this far? If you did, thank you! And I'm sorry. There was a point to all that. I promise.
I need your help.
I need to ask you the most important question...
What do the happy and successful people do with their bad days?
I feel like if I find out the answer to that I can begin to baby step my way into something good and productive.
I know what happens to a dream deferred. (Langston taught me.) No clue what to do with the bad days, but if there's a place I can send them so that I can try to achieve SOMETHING...ANYTHING in this damn life then I'm all ears.