The first rule of Parent Club... you will forget every rule of Parent Club (Exhaustion is a bitch.)
I began this post when Ziggy was three weeks old. Cute that I assumed I could think or write...or that I had actual time to do either. She's now eight weeks...the picture above she was six weeks. Time is a stupid unicorn lately.
I've read so many great posts from women who get the kind of motherhood I've been thrown in to. While some moms experience nothing but joyous bliss and look at their sleeping babies lovingly I spent the last two months sobbing about how hard it's been.
I had breast feeding issues out the wazoo... I got mastitis TWICE. Had a wee case of the baby blues when my mom left after six weeks and have been dealing with a baby who can't sleep longer than 20 minutes at a time. If I hear a sneeze or fart coming from her general direction I weep.
"And she's up."
She's adorable and wonderful, but home girl refuses to let me put her down and she LOVES the boob. Can't get her off the boob. She's the champ of cluster feeding.
I'm pretty sure acting's going to get put on hold for quite some time. Mark plans to take off a sweet amount of time after my maternity leave ends to care for her and then we're hiring a nanny once she's five months old, but nothing about having a baby has been easy or manageable. It's a tornado of scary new and just when I think I've figured her out she goes and has a leap and changes up the game again.
Oh.My.God. My child is the Goblin King! She's totally cheating and changing up the maze. Why is this just occurring to me?! Forget Ziggy Stardust! She is the other Bowie persona reincarnated!
Basically I'm not going to get my hopes up that the me I miss will return magically when it's Mark's turn. If we can even call it that...
So yeah, what I moved to LA to do...what I've loved my whole life and dreamed of...envisioned on a daily basis is so blurry. It seems so far away. I hope it comes back. I hope I'm able to get a chance...but right now I have a fussy baby trying to poop her brains out and I need to drink my cold, three-hour-later matcha green tea.
Three days later because yeah time is a unicorn...
So here's where I am. I don't know what the heck to do with a newborn. I'm supposed to be playing with her how much? She's supposed to nap...on her own? Without my boob attached? Will I fuck her up if I watch TV or when I let her cry while I go to the damn bathroom?!
A new mama friend sent me this article which I so want to plagiarize because it's everything I've felt. I actually despise people telling me I have postpartum depression..that somehow mourning the person I was before I pushed out a kid is bad or abnormal. Props to Renegade Mama. Seriously. Thank you for speaking out and sharing your brand of honest. I dug it.
I feel like I really need to re-read The Awakening. Ever read it? For this awkward mama it's ringing true...Well all the parts except taking crappy lovers and going into the ocean and drowning.
Don't know when I'll be able to write again, but for now that's the world I'm swimming in.
Over and out.