The hopeful tell me to keep the faith of a mustard seed and ish will be okay...
Some days are good. On those days I remember why I chose this particular path. I remember firmly why I want to be an actor and how it makes me feel and I'm comfortable enduring the bumps and bruises that come with that decision.
And then there are days like today when the passion God gave me for this dream is fuzzy and weak and the idea that some day I'll be on a real set making a real film about a character I believe in sounds preposterous. I'm trying to figure out how many people who have already made it would continue on if they had walked my path. Would they have kept going if it had been nine years (as it has been for me.)? Would they have given up? Would they had been neurotic enough to keep going?
My nine year anniversary is July 29th. I'll be taking new headshots that day. At least I'll be actively doing something actor-ish that day! This weekend I audition for a short film. I shoot a commercial next week. You'd think I'd be jumping over the moon...grateful for the little action I do see, but I'm old and grumpy today. I'm not sure these steps will make a lasting impact. Then I want to kick my own butt for playing in a future that I have no business playing in. Who knows what tomorrow will bring! Worrying about the future is just as bad as moping over the past.
AND through all of that we're trying to have a baby. Every time the test comes back negative a tiny part of me is okay because it means more time to get into acting...more time to walk through some imaginary door that I hope opens soon. I keep stumbling over all these stories of actors who had children and still did what they dreamed of...I watched Vanessa L. Williams' Master Class on the subject. She said she gave up Monsters Ball, a part that won Halle Berry and Oscar, to spend time with her children. You could see the calm resolve and joy in her eyes when she admitted that she was okay with the decision. Sometimes there are more important adventures... Made me feel better about trying, but still... SO.MANY.ADULT.EMOTIONS!!! So many mixed feelings make Tishy a very crazy and emotional chick.
Yesterday I ran into Suzanne Douglas, an actor who appeared in How Stella Got Her Groove Back. I approached her to tell her how much I had enjoyed her work and she was kind enough to keep having a conversation with Mark and I. She asked if I was an actor. I said yes, but man did that yes feel sad. She spoke so freely about how she'd soon start work on a project and I hung on every word wishing I could say the same. I have no idea where I stand so I can't even say so close yet so far. I'm out there blindly.
The faith of a mustard seed...