What Kills Me...

"What kills me makes me feel alive" ~ One Republic

Ain't that the truth when pursuing your dream?! I swear everything that has anything to do with change, growth..."getting it" requires mini panic attacks in my kingdom of neurotic.

I had a meeting with my agent this morning and I swear, you would have thought I was meeting my executioner the way I felt pre-chat fest. I had nervous waves sloshing around in my belly...I felt like I might possibly destroy my pants (too much info? do you know me at all?!) I cried TWICE on the drive there...couldn't sleep last night at all. You catch my drift? I was a hot mess. I feared I'd walk in; she'd stop me before I could even sit down and tell me that the agency no longer wanted to represent my unproductive behind and I'd be forced to throw my body into Hollywood traffic. Getting stomped on by fake Spidermen and Marilyn Monroes aren't my cup of tea.

Meeting went completely opposite of that.

She hugged me upon walking in; sat me down in her office (yeah!) and then proceeded to tell me I'm doing well; that my percentage of getting callbacks is awesome...I just have to work on bookings. She also told me what I needed to do in order to start going out for TV and film roles. Boom.

It's not easy and no one can be sure it will lead to work, but it's time to try everything. It's time to shake things up so hard that I'm centimeters away from crapping my pants and blowing mad chunks. It's time to feel alive; something I haven't felt in quite some time.

Luckily, I have a supportive partner in crime who's down for helping me do this thing. It's going to require time and money and lots of understanding. Geez, I feel lucky I married the dude I married! He has my back. Such a tiny sentence with profound, life-changing significance.

I have a lot of neurotic conversations with myself regarding acting. I'll get really jazzed about doing whatever it takes to make the dream happen and then my pride will kick in and I'll feel terrible that I have to do all of this 'extra' while other folks literally get discovered and thrown into films like it's the easiest scenario in the world. It's time to just focus on my own path. I'm not the overnight success. I've been at this for almost nine years (come July 29th) and the only thing that's changed is the number of grey hairs sprouting homes on my head. I'm still just as hungry if not more so it's time to focus.

I refuse to be a broken record. New tune time. I'm ready. I'm down.


  1. I have so much respect for actors trying to make it, it's the hardest thing and anyone who says auditioning isn't personal hasn't been there. I was on the other side of things long ago as a filmmaker and although it's been awhile, I've never forgotten how hard it is. Please don't stop :)
    xo Mary Jo

    1. Thank you Mary Jo! I promise not to stop! Thanks for the encouragement!


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