Jealous

5.08.2014



I'm just jealous / I'm just human / Don't hate me...

Yesterday I spent the whole day being jealous of the great Bey...

I bought the album back on that infamous Friday the 13th it was released, but it's taken me this long to sit down and just watch all of her videos back-to-back. The artistic explosions she called music videos are frickin' mind blowing. I developed some serious aspirations: using your talents to the umpteenth most power came to mind. I don't even know what that kind of power would feel like. To be able to put it out there that you want to create these beautiful films (because that's what they are; let's keep it real.) and have all of these mega talented directors come to the table (whilst salivating) is a foreign concept. I wanna be like Beyonce when I grow up!

Sometimes I read my horoscopes and grow terrified. Supposedly I'm supposed to already be delighting in the fruits of my creative labors, but here I sit...at my home...not being Beyonce-like. I wonder if I pulled one of those Sliding Doors scenarios. You know, I missed the train door seconds too late and it sent me off on a completely different path. Sometimes I'll be walking by someone and I'll have this crazy sense that we knew each other in a past life or were supposed to know each other...

It's hard to explain, but I clearly saw my life as an actor when I was super small. It felt super duper real and makes it hard (super duper hard) to recognize and accept the life of right now. Now all the smart ones reading this will instantly sound the warning alarms because smart ones know that comparing and fighting what is, is a no-no.

...Doesn't stop me from feeling uneasy and frightened that I'm walking the wrong path somehow. When I get on the correct one I'll let y'all know. Stumbling and learning...dreaming and attempting to control the fire burning in my belly.

Current songs of the Queen's playing in my head:

XO

Drunk in Love

Jealous

Heaven

Beyonce, Drunk in Love, Jealous, acting aspirations, dreams, hopes, sliding doors, aspiring actor


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