Such a loaded word...or idea really. The idea of home sends me into topsy turvy spins today. Home is where my husband is most of the wonderful time, but then I have a chance to be with my family; specifically my mother and the idea of home grows complicated. I know I'm a big girl now and I'm married...doing adultish things and all, but I am a quintessential mama's girl through and through.
Mark and I journeyed to Middle Earth this past weekend to visit my family. My parents wanted to introduce Mark to the fam the Kansas City way (by throwing us a BBQ bash.) It was awesome in theory. My mom makes THE best brisket on the planet. I invited friends from my high school hometown; my parents invited the family who couldn't come to the wedding and BOOM we had a bash. Except so many things didn't go as planned on that trip. There were so many heartaches...so many stories that pulled me out of my mama's arms...there was even a trip to the hospital to visit an uncle who had been in a horrible wreck. It was necessary family call to actions, but it meant that I had only hours with my mom instead of days. When our time was up and it was time to hit the road I turned to Mark with panic and said, "I didn't get to get a picture with my mom!" And then the tears splooged out. All the emotions of the weekend...realizing I wasn't going to see my mom for a long time...well it was just too much.
Life's been hard. I've dealt with some crazy feminine energy guffaws that require my mom's wisdom...her kindness and her ability to heal any word wounds. I've needed that particular home. I've been craving it something fierce and as I sit in my own place; listening to my husband scurry about upstairs unpacking our things I cry a little bit more. I left home almost nine years ago and made a new one for myself, but there's still a little girl inside me that needs her mom.
My mom is the calm. She's light and joy...if you're lucky enough to receive her guidance at any point in your life you take it and you honor it. I know I had to move out to LA for acting. I knew I had to be here, but believe me when I say leaving her was damn hard. There's a lot of pressure I've created for myself. I frequently remind myself that I have to make that move worth it...that I have to make something of this distance and this dream of mine. It has to be worth it because being away from her is getting harder and harder.
I may have a meeting with a producer this week. I'm willing all the magic in the world to pool in my favor and make that happen. It's crazy logic, but I hope that moving away will someday result in me having the means to come home whenever I need to.
All that to say I've got two homes and I'm happiest when they're in the same time zone.