A Divorce: I Am SO Aware of the Gaps

4.24.2014
Have you ever parted from someone who played a significant role in your life, be it a boyfriend, girlfriend or platonic pooper trooper pal?

I did it more than once last year in 2013. It was necessary work because I knew those relationships weren't good for anyone involved, but now that awesome life year 2013 has ended (read: I got married...an ordeal that requires all your friends and family to focus on you with a happy fierceness usually reserved for the likes of Oprah and baby kittens) and so I'm keenly aware of the holes that were left behind.

In the past I was lucky. If a space opened up the Universe would send another friend to fill the gaps. Now that I'm older...and work from home full time it's just not happening. It doesn't help that my ability to trust is null and void. Friends make for difficult break-up partners. When you share mutual friends it's hard to move on. Friends shift and take sides and I'm unfortunately on the bad end of that stick; no longer shiny and interesting.

I've lost my friend mojo. That's a super hard statement to make. Kind of makes me want to cry, actually. I'm trying to open up and be as honest and sincere as I can be. I'm trying to leave the anger and frustration out. I'm trying. I'm trying...but this is such a weird and foreign experience. It almost feels shameful. My pride has a hard time admitting that I'm not the winner in the divorce.

I think admitting all of this might be good...I think anyways. I don't know what the next steps will be, but I can't WAIT to get to a point where I'm back in a loved space with people who are authentic and kind and trustworthy.

I'm doing some hard work in the background...and it's why you haven't heard from me as consistently...my 'voice' has changed. My spirit has a shadow over it...I feel muffled and a bit lost. Wow! I'm just sharing ALL THE THINGS, aren't I?

Anyways, that's my story for now...

I sincerely hope the next chapter is a bit easier. The lonely stage isn't a swell one, folks...sucks balls of fury, if you must know.Gotta make peace with the holes...

Food for thought (if you happen to be going through something similar.) This NY Times article is still something I go back to and re-read.

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