Cracks, Inner Light and Other Metaphors

3.04.2014
This email is gonna drip with all kinds of metaphors, people. I warn you now.

Here goes...

I feel like I'm breaking up from the inside out and the cracks are beginning to show. I feel like all of these crazy life blows that keep happening are slowly churning into a wicked tornado, blasting wind through me, dimming my inner light and my spirit that clings so tightly to my dream and my inner fight is dying.

The short story: I got super sick. I got cabin fever. This led to me thinking about acting and my life's direction. My health took a beating some more. Mark and I started looking at our finances to see if we could buy a home. We've decided it's not a good time. We also started questioning if starting a family is smart right now. I started feeling like an adult failure. Got it together with the help of thoughts like "at least I have a great job that allows me to pursue acting." Then my favorite boss in the world sent an email to my team saying he was leaving us and going to work elsewhere. Panic set in. More cracks, cracked. I cried. A lot.

This morning I woke up and cried some more. Then I wrote Julia Roberts' agent. Then I wrote Ellen. Then I checked my SAG eligibility status. I have a voucher on the books! Need two more, but hey. Then Mark said he'd take me cruising tonight for some magazines that publish auditions. I started to settle down.

Then I went out to lunch with a great friend who assured me it will all work out in the end. It just felt good to pause from all the crying. I have absolutely nothing figured out. Most days I feel like I'm crying out loud, but that no one can hear me. They just see my facial expressions, but I'm on mute. It's one of those hard periods of life that I'm sure we all go through when we're looking for a change...when we have an idea of what we want from life, but have no Earthly idea how to get it.

I'm honestly hoping all of this turmoil is just shaking me up to make room for an even better life event coming up very soon. Something that will save me from all this worry. Fingers crossed, mind in prayer mode.

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