Available for All Things Acting!

Yesterday I had the wonderful privilege of sitting in on a film casting as the reader. (So basically I sat behind the camera and read the parts of whomever while the person who auditioned did their bit.)

It was so exhilarating being on the other side of the table; let me tell ya! I've always tried to convince myself that parts went to people based on specifics that I wasn't privy to. I tried to believe it, but I still found myself taking things personal. After sitting through a dozen or so actors acting their butts off I got it...and I loved having that experience.

I loved seeing people's choices played out. I loved sitting with the producer and director/writer as the two commented and conspired to find THE perfect spirits for the characters they wish to bring to life. I loved talking passion. I loved those hours on a Sunday afternoon. I'll cherish them for sure.

I've been trying my hardest to be available for all things acting that come my way. I just feel like I need to embrace all parts of my dream so that the Universe doesn't skip me when it's time to hand out lucky moments.

...and I can't wait for that moment!

Blogger Love: The Break Up Survival Guide

I haven't collaborated on another writer's blog in quite some time so my narcissistic arse was tickled green when Carmen from Shugar Love asked me if I'd like to share the tools I use to get over troublesome breakups.

Moment of truth: I've made peace with all the break ups I've had with ex boyfriends because I seriously created a full proof plan for getting their butts out of my system, BUT I still suck at friend break ups. They're still too fresh. I was both lucky and unfortunate that I never had them as young whipper snapper. In the past two years I've said good bye to a number of girlfriends, though and that break up guide book still has wet ink on the page. It's a day-by-day learning experience...so while the other contributors wrote about romantic relationships (I presume) I dove straight into a friendship break up...which, if you think about it, is basically worse. WAY WORSE!

Carmen's Break Up Survival Guide

Thank you friend for inviting me to share... virtual hugs with lots of luv and kiwi!

"You Look Weak On Paper, Dude"

Have I ever mentioned that I work from home full time? Yeah, I'm able to do that which TOTALLY helps a whole lot with auditioning and my inability to focus for long periods of time at a desk located in a cube with a florescent light that sucks my will to live.

All that to say I'm able to have people over to co-work with me from time to time. I have a great pal who freelances and is able to journey over the hill occasionally to spend the day with me. It totally breaks up the monotony. I have some one to talk to other than myself...It's divine.

So she came up yesterday and we got to talking about Linked In. A fire was lit under my butt and I started tinkering around with the site; updating my profile and all that hoo haw.

What I found out: I look totally sucky on paper! I've been half assing my day jobs because I've always believed acting would happen. Except today was the first time I was actually scared that maybe it's not such a great idea neglecting those other eggs in those other baskets.

I swear when I have these panic attacks I think of Julia Roberts. Did Julia ever have to worry if her health insurance job skills were sub par? NO! Did she worry that her other skills outside of acting weren't good enough to keep her afloat? Help her earn a decent living? NO! I see all of these talented, snazzy looking people (even actors, screenwriters and directors) on that darn site and I start to freak that I'm not doing enough.

How can I do more in acting?! I'm auditioning when they come in. I'm not currently in weekly acting classes. I frequent a workshop when I can. I can't write, direct and produce my own stuff and I'm honestly not interested in pursuing that path. I'm just a novice actor missing a clue. This is me being honest. Does it mean I'm not worthy? That I won't make it? I hope not.

Missing a big flippin clue...

But this gives me a glimmer of hope.

Just Remember


When life is annoying the stuffins out of you...frustrating you...making you want to scream or cry just remember to say this one thing to yourself:

I have tooted in my pants and am one with the world. 

Guarantee you'll feel bedda. 

Just imagine the clouds are other folks in similar situations creating their own little clouds of mischief. Solidarity people!!!

Deal With It

...So what had happened was...

A couple of months ago Mark and I were approached at the Rose Bowl Flea Market to do (what we thought would be) a reality tv show/game thing that involved couples doing challenges together. We agreed and went in for the audition. A couple days later one of the casting agents called and told me the whole thing was a sham and that the real audition was for a HILARIOUS show on TBS called Deal With It. She asked if I'd like to prank my husband and I swear before she could even say marital deceit I was screaming yes and giggling maniacally in agreement.

Oh how I adore a good prank...

So I pranked him...and I pranked him HAWD and it was hilarious watching how HAWD he fell for it. Marrying an actor has got to be the pits I tell ya...this isn't the first time I've bamboozled that boy. Not the second either. Sorry, Cinderfella Wonderful...You know I luuuuuuuv you.

I'm hoping that we made the cut and my glorious prank makes it into one of the episodes. Please don't let all of that be for nothing, Universe! I won't tell you what I did. No teasers, yo! You'll just have to watch and see if it airs. Starts March 19th on TBS.


If you can't view click here.

My GBF: James The Friendly Judger

So it's official.

I have a GBF now. My gay best friend, James, is a fabulous vegan afficianado, chick flick lover and most importantly the King of Opinions. He's hilariously judgy in the sweetest of ways. I swear I sit and I listen and I learn oh-so-much about the intricate mind of a man on a mission to make the world a more visually stimulating place.

I've started to refer to his moments of judgy-ness as "The Rules of James," but he refers to them as "How Not to Repel Your Significant Other" My name is shorter so I'll stick with it.

Rule numero uno: You can't have long hair on your toes. If you do James will throw up in his mouth a tiny bit.

"The hairs should not go past the knuckle when you curl your toes. It's like a mustache that goes over your lips...BLECH! Trim that ish!"

This is noted, Friend (checking my own toes...)

Why I dig my GBF! He satisfies all things "Arthur Stewart" (Man version of Martha Stewart) that I need in my life. He's THE bee's knees of decorators. I'm on a personal mission to get his home featured on Apartment Therapy! Also trying to push him to finish a vegan cookbook he's been working on for awhile. His recipes are delicious and filling...The first time Mark and I ever went over for dinner was hilarious. Mark complained that vegan food wouldn't fill him up. He shut his mouth and chewed all nice like though once trying James' "Shrimp" Fried Rice dish and coleslaw side. Oh my GOD was it a food gasm!

We try to get together weekly and watch something/cook something together. Last week we watched GBF (fitting) which was actually well written and hilarious. It went to straight to DVD (which is usually NEVER a good sign, but this one was unwarranted, yo.) I recommend it. I secretly believe James wrote it so I'm supporting his creative endeavors.

It's what nice SBFs do... (He's dubbed me his sassy black friend. It was only right that I picked up a label, too.)

The Birthday


My husband and Jen posted these pics together and plopped them on social media sites with really sweet messages for my birthday. It totally made my morning. 

Crazy that I almost forgot about my birthday this year. I usually start the celebrations once March hits, but that darn sick crap I had totally sucked the life out of me. Then last week I just got it all together and realized being sick had been the loneliest and most depressing time EVER so I changed my mind on that whole celebrating ish and asked ALL THE FRIENDS to come out and play. I need to see faces and talk! 

I've always loved my birthdays, too. More so than it being a day for me...I just love what it brings out in my friends and family around me. My facebook page lights up with talks of pooping, farting and other hilariously crude remarks. People celebrate all things goofy and share it with me; which is sort of the best thing ever. 

Mark has a surprise for me tonight and then we're celebrating with friends this weekend. I feel the love and welcome 33 with open arms. Heck, I welcome all numbers. They don't really matter to me being that I feel 14 and will probably always feel 14. Realization! I act and feel younger than my shoe size so I'd say this birthday is pretty much awesome. I even have a new zit friend (who I've named Pearl) who popped up to remind me of my teenie bopper status. Even more cool: today is ALSO my six month wedding anniversary. Good things happen on 13s. Just saying...

For all those March babies out there in the world, Happy birthday to you as well! Hope your day brings out the awesome in your peoples! It does a soul good... 

Kidult Chronicles: Where Loss Resides

Something happened to me while I was sick. My level of clingy need has become a little uncomfortable. Yes, being that sick was scary and Mark was really there for me, but I seriously get bummed in an unhealthy way come night time because I know it's time for us to go to bed and he'll get up before I'm awake and I'll be alone for most of the day. It terrifies me. (I was on the couch sick for a little too long I gather.)

...and it's not lightening up.

Once I got some strength back I drove two hours to Costa Mesa to meet with a natural health care professional to see if the stomach virus was lingering or if I had other issues a front. I thought I was going to treat my stomach, but as I sat with one of the doctors he used a muscle test to figure out in the craziest and spookiest of ways that I was holding the sadness of losing my father in my body...physically holding on to the stress of that moment. He pinpointed my age and everything...as he started getting closer and closer to what I knew he was going to say I started to bawl. If a medium was telling me my father was in the room with me I wouldn't have cried any harder.

I know my father and his memory will always be sad and bittersweet, but I've gone to therapy to avoid the crying triggers. I thought I had finally released the pain, but as I sat there crying I knew that wasn't true...and that I still carry HUGE fears of people leaving me now. If someone visits and then we say goodbye I bawl and bawl...Mark going to work brings on the tears (after he's left of course.) I know I don't handle goodbyes well.

The realization has come from finally connecting the dots with resentments I've carried for far too long now. I could never figure out why I still carried anger and pain for folks who are no longer in my life. I mean I am very aware that those relationships were supposed to end...that it was okay to move on, but my heart remained closed and angered. It's actually pissed me off that I was so stubbornly hateful for so long. Then the idea of loss came up and it hit me...whether someone physically leaves or mentally checks out; it hurts me all the same; it's someone leaving and I turn right back into that little girl who heard her father had died, walked to her bedroom, closed the door and rocked in a corner alone.

So I have this leaving hang up. I'm aware of it now so hopefully I can start to figure out how to move forward and not suffocate the ones I love. I'm SO a work in progress. I thought getting older meant growing wiser. All I've managed to do is break up the pieces and begin the analyzing portion of the program. It's hard and it's scary, but all signs point to getting myself together.

Step one: Accept change. Here we go...




Sometimes all you need is love...

Cracks, Inner Light and Other Metaphors

This email is gonna drip with all kinds of metaphors, people. I warn you now.

Here goes...

I feel like I'm breaking up from the inside out and the cracks are beginning to show. I feel like all of these crazy life blows that keep happening are slowly churning into a wicked tornado, blasting wind through me, dimming my inner light and my spirit that clings so tightly to my dream and my inner fight is dying.

The short story: I got super sick. I got cabin fever. This led to me thinking about acting and my life's direction. My health took a beating some more. Mark and I started looking at our finances to see if we could buy a home. We've decided it's not a good time. We also started questioning if starting a family is smart right now. I started feeling like an adult failure. Got it together with the help of thoughts like "at least I have a great job that allows me to pursue acting." Then my favorite boss in the world sent an email to my team saying he was leaving us and going to work elsewhere. Panic set in. More cracks, cracked. I cried. A lot.

This morning I woke up and cried some more. Then I wrote Julia Roberts' agent. Then I wrote Ellen. Then I checked my SAG eligibility status. I have a voucher on the books! Need two more, but hey. Then Mark said he'd take me cruising tonight for some magazines that publish auditions. I started to settle down.

Then I went out to lunch with a great friend who assured me it will all work out in the end. It just felt good to pause from all the crying. I have absolutely nothing figured out. Most days I feel like I'm crying out loud, but that no one can hear me. They just see my facial expressions, but I'm on mute. It's one of those hard periods of life that I'm sure we all go through when we're looking for a change...when we have an idea of what we want from life, but have no Earthly idea how to get it.

I'm honestly hoping all of this turmoil is just shaking me up to make room for an even better life event coming up very soon. Something that will save me from all this worry. Fingers crossed, mind in prayer mode.

Thoughts on the 2014 Oscars

My thoughts on the Oscars?...

Ellen as the hostess with the mostest was hilarious. The jokes were a lot more pointed and snarkier than I thought she'd go. It worked, but I know people were holding their breath at points.

Other than that...I WANTED TO BEEE THERE! I cried a lot. I just wanted to be there. I lost my shat when Bette Midler started singing...when Pink sang...during Lupita's acceptance speech. She's around my age so it just brought out the beasts of comparison.

Oscar night is always bitter sweet for me. I ALWAYS do that...if I were a cartoon you would have seen stars growing in my eyes...total anime style.

Life's been super weird ever since I got sick. I've just had tons of time to sit and think about how hard this life is that I chose and how impossible it all looks from a couch in the valley. If/when this happens it will be nothing short of a miracle, because honestly I have NO clue how to get in front of a film's casting director. Not.A.Damn.Clue.
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