Myself as a Friend

10.31.2013

“Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert



Only a friend would know how to cheer me up with THIS (above pic) when I'm having a poopy day and by golly, I always give myself this pencil when I'm having an off day! Ipso Facto, I am a good bud to myself. 

I'm in one of those weird zones where I feel like something I can't quite verbalize is amok. Sometimes I think I need a dramatic hair cut. Other days I feel like I just need to paint my nails, see a good flick...SOMETHING to shake me out of this weird funk. 

If I come back with a poodle 'do and some crazy mani...well, you've been warned. Is this why many a bride chops off her locks once she gets married? Am I being cliche? Ewwww. 


Fault in Our Stars

10.29.2013
I just finished reading THE best book of my 2013 list. Fault in Our Stars, by John Green, is the story of this amazing teenage girl named Hazel who is living with Cancer.

The C word has been such a fixture in my life. I was diagnosed with stage one cervical cancer when I was in college. Then an aunt of mine battled through it...then my husband's father's cancer (that was in remission) came back in two different organs...It's been everywhere (even in me) and yet I've never really 'felt' cancer until I read this book.

I know that sounds odd considering the fact that I heard that scary sentence, "You have cancer," and my husband lost his father to it...and one of my good friends lost her father to it...and I attended those funerals and felt the cruelty that disease leaves in your heart...but the book just put into words what I could never...or actually what I chose not to process out of cowardice. Well, it's told from the perspective of a beautiful wordsmith who has terminal cancer. Reading it was the most difficult, but necessary experience.

I caught myself crying and having to put the book down only to pick it back up seconds later because it didn't feel right to shut out something that's so fricking real. I just had to remind myself to be brave and keep going.

I loved the writing and the brains of these characters. Mind you the whole book is fiction, but it didn't matter. Mr. Green tapped into something magic.

I always find it funny when people discuss how a book ripped their heart out and then they add, "You have to read this!" but you really do. It's the equivalent of "Smell my finger." You think it's going to stink, but it's usually a good smell (at least in my case when I demand my husband smell mine.) I'm kind with my demands. Yes, you'll get sad, but you'll also experience one of the best reads of your life. It's a story that we all need to feel. I feel like these are the books that connect our spirits.

...And I'm all for connections.

Halloween 2013

10.28.2013

I'm so proud of my Halloween costume this year. Mark and I decided to go artsy fartsy. He rocked some Andy Warhol and I went as Lichtenstein's pop art. I have all of these great ideas for costumes, but I never get to actually carry them out. Last year I came up with this idea and was hell bent on making it happen. 

Smarty Farty costumes make me happy. Creativity makes my world go round.  

Halloween costume, Andy Warhol, Pop Art, Lichtenstein









Dream Stuff + Scandal

10.25.2013
I'm not quite sure if it's a sign or a cruel tease sent by a mean Universe...

Yesterday I was working out; trying to get all of my frustrations out when my thoughts settled violently on the status of my acting (or lack thereof.) I looked down at my workout list and there it was...

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. BELIEVE IN YOUR DREAM.

I smiled hoping that meant something good. Then the actress who recently rocked it on one of my favorite shows Scandal started working out right beside me...and my thoughts started tornado swirling again.

So close yet not nearly close enough...

How on Earth do I read that ish?




Year of Mish | A Weekend in Palm Springs

10.21.2013



This weekend Mark and I took a mini holiday to Palm Springs. 
It was needed and then some!

We joined my cousin Sheli, her wonderful manfriend Caleb, their pup Koa and my wonderfully, lovable Uncle Ed at a rented home there. Together we had one of those magically epic weekends you dream and wish to have. We relaxed, reminisced, ate well, played in the sun and enjoyed Uncle's stories. The man is a human encyclopedia (a Google Man for all the youngins in the house.)

I'm reading this delicious book right now that whispered to me at just the right time, too. (This is yet another reason this was the perfect adventure...since no good one exists without some sort of book.) Today while driving back to LA I read the following passage:

"Hmmm what did you miss... A celebrity did drugs. A politician disagreed. A different celebrity wore a bikini that revealed a bodily imperfection. A team won a sports event, but another lost." 

The words made me smile to myself. Yes, I briefly thought about the words I needed to write, the laundry, my chores, yadda yadda, but it was fleeting worry. I missed nothing, really. I was exactly where I was supposed to be when I was supposed to be there. It's glorious when you figure that part out. 

That's when you learn your life is pretty swell, you stick your head out the car window and smile at the sun.  

They Make My Ass Twitch

10.17.2013
“There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” ~ C.G. Jung 

This is my biggest pet peeve...and thus my greatest fault with relationships. I will put my darkest moments...the secrets, the confessions and the dark deeds on the table and expect others to do the same. I wait for them to admit when they've done wrong...I throw my hand around my ear; anticipate the moment when I'll hear, "My bad," but that ish never comes and I get nasty grumpy. Boy do I ever!

I'm aware as a writer of a very personal blog that I'm gonna get personal. It's fine and dandy when it's about me, but complaining about others is pretty off limits. Even I, the queen of openness, knows I can't go there. (anymore...hee hee) So I write a fairly vague piece that satisfies all parties. (If only everything were so easy!)

So here's my vague rant that makes my ass twitch. I can't stand it when I'm sharing my honesty...throwing it all out on the table; my insecurities, my failings, my faults and then the other person continues to live in the Land of Stupid Disillusions. (Yes, that land exists. I believe it's off the 101 freeway.) Why did I just share that? What point did it serve? I mean I don't mind being honest? I really don't. I'll admit in a heartbeat when I'm being a brat (or worse), stingy, nosy, conniving, dastardly....now I'm just having fun with words. It doesn't hurt me to share and be open. The part that makes me twitch is that space of confusion....that moment in time when I wonder why the person was so eager for me to share and then not reciprocate? I can't dance around lies. I hate pretending like I believe in what you're dishing out. If someone isn't being honest with themselves and others I tend to flee. 

I could exist in a negative space and just swim in all that frustration, but I'm trying to be a better human being for my new husband and the friends and family who deserve some free Tishy. So here's the plan I've come up with...Hopefully it works! I'm just shooing away such people. I accept that they're a different breed and I'm choosing to remove them from my life. That's hard...a pretty gangster move to achieve actually, but it's necessary.

Life is so short and fleeting. My father passed away when I was very young. Since then I've always been a bit morbid...I tell people I love them on the regular because I think to myself deep down, "They could die soon." Because of this limited-time believe I hold I'm not going to waste anytime pretending with someone. I'll continue my relationships with the honest ones and go about my business.

I'll let you know how this goes. You'd be surprised how many people freak out and get pissy that you don't want to frolic in their lies anymore. 



Friend of My Mind

10.15.2013


“She is a friend of mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind.” | From Beloved, by Toni Morrison

...Oh how I love a woman who is a friend of my mind. Do you have one of those? If you've managed to stumble upon one in your lifetime then lucky you most certainly are. Tell that friend of your mind how great she is. It's good to show the Universe you get "it" ...that you're grateful for the gifts.




I love her so. 

Year of Mish

10.14.2013


Yesterday marked our one month wedding anniversary. Crazy that I'm so big on the dates considering I can't recall any other anniversaries we have. I'm not a date girl...At all. I feel pushes to reflect on this whole marriage thing since it's such a big to do and all. 

This is what I wrote on instagram:

People keep asking me if it feels different. It doesn't, but it's because I knew from the beginning that Mark was the guy I had been looking for all along. We knew each other in a past life...I went into my wedding day with the mentality that I was repeating something I'd already done time and time again. So when I say it doesn't feel different I actually mean it feels like it's always felt... It's warming, familiar, wonderful and fun in a Mish-only kind of way. Love me some him.

...And that's pretty much how it is. 

A Woman to Respect


I watched the story of Coco Chanel's life once a couple of years ago and fell in love with the iconic woman. I adored how rebellious she was...how gangster and boyishly chic her outlook on fashion was.

My mother gave me her name as my middle name...except she went and did a bedazzled equivalent name change...adding her own fancy embellishments. (Didn't Coco say you should always remove one thing before leaving?) That aside, I still feel an odd connection to the legendary designer.

There's Whoopi and Coco, Amelia and Lucille Clifton...Toni and Octavia. OPRAH and Oprah! There are many woman who admire and dream of. You can imagine how much drool I produced when I saw this lovely video. Once upon a time indeed...

My Extraordinary Ordinary Life

10.11.2013
I've written about Elaine many a time. She's a great friend and my Goddog's mama...pretty awesome, I'd say.

Yesterday we met up for a sneak peek movie (About Time) which I can't wait to rave about...it was just SUCH a beautiful and great movie that I will totally recommend to all those I love in life. I may or may not have signed something saying I wouldn't discuss it. (Maybe I really should read those contracts a bit more often, huh?) So I'll refrain from discussion until it gets closer to the actual release date (November 8th) Anyways, it was just groovy experiencing such a feel good movie with a person I adore as much as her.

After the film we came back to my place for dinner: a yummy sweet potato dish and these marinated chicken drumsticks. We feasted over wine and sang soft rock songs that we found on an infomercial at the top of our lungs. (Mark looked at us with utter bewilderment and then retreated upstairs...our voices were just too beautiful to behold for long periods of time, apparently.)

This couldn't be helped, though. It's always fun listening to classic rock with her. We share some crazy similar childhood cultural experiences so when I hear another human being my age belting out The Eagles I get a little excited.

It was a good time to laugh and share. We discussed some stories about some personal stuff that connects us...it was just one of those really great date nights with my friend that made me feel grateful and then some.

It's good to have wonderful women in my life. Darn toot'in appreciative and grateful. Women like E make my extraordinary ordinary life fun enough to write about. Gotta love muses.


Halloweenie!

10.10.2013
This Halloween I'm going OUT! Our neighbors will shame us no more! Yes, I'm the modern day Babbitt!  I care to keep up with my fabulously creative neighbors. They embrace Halloween wholeheartedly and now that I'm a big kid and married and stuff I think I can now do this like a big kid. Woo to the hooo!

Get this! We're actually going to dress up this year, too! We always want to, but there are never parties or places we want to go to...that we can also afford. That is until THIS year!  We're seizing ALL THE DAYS! 

And I Babbitt on...




My Walk With Dolly

10.08.2013
No, didn't have special time with Ms. Parton. I'm referring to Dolly the Dog. I took her on a walk this morning and watched her with amusement as she explored my neighborhood.

We've all know we should stop and smell the roses. Dolly taught me you have to stop and smell the roses...and the weeds...and the leaves...and those sticks. You have to experience it all apparently. All of it's worth the pause.




Second Opinions

10.07.2013
"Today is the day for second opinions and kick ass auditions."

That's what I wrote on my Friday Facebook post. I haven't heard from the audition folks, BUT I did get a beautiful second opinion that I think I'm ready to talk about.

It all begins with a doctor and his blank stares...

For the last three years I've seen a doc who's been prescribing me anti-depressants. Everything's been going swimmingly. I've maintained energy and perspective. I made it through wedding planning in one whole piece. I've been lucky that I found something that works for me. I asked him last year if we could start tapering off meds (#1 because the plan had always been communicated to me that I'd only need to try them out for two years and see if they had rebooted my brain synapses and #2 because we wanted to try for a family sooner than later.) The doc advised against going off meds right before a wedding. I respected his opinion because all of my close friends had warned that it would be stressful and nerve wracking...some had even had to get medication to help them through the wedding time. I respected and trusted his judgement. That is until after I was married, back from the honeymoon and ready to start talking about when would be the best time to go off. The doc cut me off and said, "You're not ready." Scribbled my normal dosage on a pad and scooted me out his door. I was honestly too shocked and confused to ask why he thought I wasn't ready.

I went out for dinner with a friend; kept it all in, but the minute I got home in front of Mark I lost it...big tears of hurt. I just felt like some crazy nut job that needed to listen to my smart doctor and shut up. I felt like I had no control or say over my body and my life choices. Needless to say that was a really hard night.

I spoke to my best gal pal that weekend and her beautiful, gangster, fiery attitude helped bring me out of the hurt. I needed a second opinion like a pimp needed a cane. So I reached out to the lovely Dooce Community (like I always do for such matters) and found some tips on the kind of doctor I should be looking for. I found her. I saw her last Friday and Poof! She told me I indeed was ready to start tapering...that I should at least see how I do off of anti-depressants and if it's too much I could always try something that wasn't harmful to wee babes. The clouds parted. The sun came through. I may have sung; Opera-style.

So I'll start that soon. It's going to be an interesting and scary adventure, but I'm willing to try. I share because I know there are more women out there like me...and because EVERYONE keeps asking me when we're having babies. We're up for making some whackapinos for sure! (White, Black, Filipino kiddies.)  We just have to do it right and carefully.

2013 is definitely the year for bravery. That's for darn skippy!

anti-depressants, boot camp, psychiatrists specializing in women's health and reproduction
 {Photo Credit: My bud E...sent with the tag "A sneak peek at your future"}

For Women Who Are Difficult to Love

10.04.2013
Warsan Shire - "For Women Who Are Difficult To Love"


This moved me. A dear friend sent this to me. After listening to this poet's beautiful words I melted into tears because all of it is refreshingly honest and empowering. 

Sometimes I sincerely loath being a chick. Aunt Flow sucks balls, that whole lack of upper body strength...but then stuff like this reminds me of how beautifully spiritual and magical we are. 

Makes me want to have a slumber party, put wreaths of flowers on each girls head and bow to them out of respect.

Danielle LaPorte recently defined "Divine Feminine" as: Rapturously loving. Fierce compassion. Ruthless discernment and boundary-laying. Curves. Milk. Honey. Inclusivity. Sexing, life-giving, soul healing. Laughter that uplifts cultures. Mother. Moon. Universal heart. Eyes that know. Home. Shakti. Woman. Yes.

We bad...

Mixtape

10.03.2013


I once read that a mixtape is a mating call. That makes total sense to me. When I first started crushing on my now husband I made him a mixtape/cd that I titled The Mish Mix and it was lovely. It told him all the things I just couldn't say yet. You know like LL Cool J helped me say it was more than just a crush...and Erykah Badu helped him figure out that I'd see him next lifetime. It was pretty epic. We STILL listen to that.

We figured we'd share that little cuteness with our friends and family at the wedding. So we created this cute little compilation for the folks which includes our first dance song. I love it. I play it over and over again. I also look at the album cover and giggle...out loud...a lot.


Dream

10.02.2013
Hey I got married and all I've talked about lately is wedding stuff. For all my fellow dreamers out there; I hope you didn't give up on me and my ability to hold tight to my dreams. Tish the wanna-be actor is still in full effect.

In fact I did the below on my honeymoon. My dream is pretty much embedded in my DNA now. Crack open a double helix and out will pop an emotion I've saved for a rainy day on set. Only made sense that I'd get a tattoo to show that. It's really darn cute. Every day I see it and I'm reminded that I'm still on the path. I still have hope. I'm a dreamer of dreams!





If you're ever in Maui I totally recommend you go to the Maui Tattoo Company. They're pretty darn awesome folks.

iPhone 5s | Yes I Am One of Those Folks

10.01.2013



This is why I will finally upgrade my precious Poppins (who happens to be an iPhone 4) to the new 5s. 
Please don't be surprised if you find me out and about creating my own little films. 

Rishi Kaneria...you are a gangsta of awesome. A guru of image. And my new techy drug pusher. 

He made this WHOLE thing using the phone. I'm blown away and totally inspired. 


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