A Long Dog Day

2.28.2013
Yesterday was a dog day...and not just because my audition consisted of watching two puppies frolicking around in the office as I waited for my turn. I was just on the go ALL.DAY.LONG.

By the time I was done with all my errands and jobs it was 7pm and I still hadn't hit the gym yet so I trudged and scowled and went. I still can't believe my sour little butt made it in and didn't hit any of the grumpy arse women throwing stank face my way!

Do you ever just have one of those days? Driving back from that audition was interesting. I was so exhausted...emotionally and physically. I fell asleep at the wheel at one point and almost hit a car. Fun times. After the shock of how jacked up that was hit me (no pun intended) I started thinking about acting and all you have to give to keep an insignificant pinky toe in the game. I wish I were one of those saintly women who does a bunch of running around without complaining...there's no fun in that for me. Bottling emotions, sitting on feelings...all of that proverbial bad stuff being swept under the rug has never really worked out well for me. I've been kind by not whining about the wedding stresses. Trust me.

Every complaint has to come with a possible way to change the situation, though! I don't know what I need...if I need a true day of relaxation. If I need a day where no one says my name and I just lay around like a lump...if I need a light day at the beach with some booze. I don't know...all I know is I need something very opposite of what happened yesterday...and last week and the week before that.

Possibly a phone call saying yes I got the job...a slow and easy day of work and some frickin TLC. Wishful thinking put to pen.


Now you know something's wrong when the highlight of your day is going to see your gyno...

Oh Beyonce...Ms. Mistress of the Universe

2.27.2013

I didn't think it was possible for me to adore that woman any more, but I just watched her documentary, Beyonce: Life is But a Dream, and was delightfully charmed by her candid, bare-faced moments. Yeah, yeah celebrities are human and just like us, but that doesn't stop me from still making distinctions between those who have "made it" and folks like me.

I catch myself in that trap that they must be walking on constant clouds...that happiness follows them like a shadow. I saw the times where she allowed the camera to show when she was worried or what not...I get so uncomfortable when people have to expose the pain in their life in order to prove they're like us. In this case I still saw all her joy coming through. Her intense love for her husband and child...her passion for her art...I LOVE what happens to her when she performs...her true spirit shines so bright and so hard...I connect to THAT Beyonce.

It's terrifying getting me to that moment, but once the camera turns on all my fears and all the reality just fade away and I'm on. It's a moment that is totally foreign to me when I'm, oh let's say, sitting on the couch blogging while watching telly.

I have an audition today. I feel like I'll take a little Bey into that room with me. Little pieces of a gal who likes to share and perform...

It's been awhile since I've connected to someone I see on TV...been inspired and invigorated. (If I don't tear up at least once something's wrong!) The girl did good! I cried...My inner dream wheel started churning. Come on auditions...lead to something!

My commercial keeps popping up on FOX so keep your eyes peeled. Then when you're standing in the grocery line with some big wig producer/writer/director casually mention how you saw me for that split second and just know I'll be the next great actor.






The Shrink Said

2.26.2013
So...

Yesterday was therapist day. I see this quiet man who usually says all of three sentences; one of which involves asking me if I'm experiencing any side effects from the happy pills he has me on. Yesterday was different, though. He's surprisingly intrigued by my future wedding. He wanted to know everything...if we had started to plan it...how far we've come and most importantly if I had found my dress yet.

I said no...that I was waiting for my best friend to fly in from Middle Earth in March and he gasped. I asked him why and he said he had heard that the dress took months and months to alter and fiddle with and that I needed to hop on that train pretty darn quickly.

Um...PRESSURE!

When your shrink is stressing you out does that mean you need to up your dosage?...

I call this a web of love. Too much?

The 2013 Oscars

2.25.2013









This Oscar Sunday was a wee bit different for me this year. B is getting hitched so I spent the day with her and her wedding party having brunch at this perfectly quaint little joint in Woodland Hills followed by DIY wedding projects back at her place. 

It was fun seeing someone's vision become tangible. Helping her execute those plans was so cathartic. While my own wedding is still swirling around in that Bermuda Triangle otherwise known as my head I'm finding loads of fun in helping with hers. 

Jersey was sweet enough to tape the awards for me so after painting, cutting and other top secret DIYs were completed I hurried home to catch up. It wasn't my favorite one...I didn't tear up once. I did laugh at the boobies song and Jennifer Lawrence's endearing trip up the stairs (I'd do it too girl...you played it off well!)

It's weird that I didn't have the longing and jealous tinges...there was something lackluster in the whole shebang. Can't really put my finger on it...whether it's just me obsessing so much over wedding ish that I can't properly focus on my dream or just an overall stinky stank Oscars 2013. 

I'm gonna go with the second choice on this one.


Overwhelmed Times 100

2.22.2013
I'm having one of those super stressful times. The kind where you find out Mrs. Taylor has assigned like five coloring projects, plus a report on Pegasus all due tomorrow. You're looking around your bedroom; it's filthy. None of your homework is done. The Bill Cosby Show comes on in 10 minutes. 

OVERWHELMED!

So we had to throw all of our wedding ideas, deposits, etc in the dumpster and start from scratch...Seven months in--starting from scratch. Mmmm, doesn't that sound tasty? 

I'm currently looking at a large list of stuff I have to do today that includes writing for FBG, cleaning up my nasty home, laundry, wedding check lists, workouts...something's going to fall through the cracks and that is just too much for this little Type A Missy!

I'm drowning...which you may have noticed since I'm not punctually posting neurotically like I normally do. 


Dear gods of all things sane and clean in this world; help a sister out! Send me a maid, a winning lotto ticket, a nutritiously prepared lunch and some rest damn it!

Blue Blockers

2.20.2013
{Photo by Mark Araña}


Life through my blue blocker-colored glasses...

If rose-colored specs make the world honky dory swell, then my blue blockers make the world trippy, groovy. I should wear them more often. That way I can remain cool, calm and collected through moments like sore teeth (cavities begone!) and planet-sized zits come to my face with the intent to wreak havoc.

I feel like this week is all about mending ish. I've made appointments with dentists, dermatologists and the Jean Doctor (a man who specializes in saving the jeans you've blown the butt out of.)

I'm trying to look at all of these patches as okay...little life necessities. Maintenance happens...just like shat, right?


The Ellen Show

2.19.2013
Holy cows!

Did I not write about our adventure on the Ellen Show?! I don't think I did.

Near Jersey's birthday we took a day off of work and headed on over to Burbank to be an audience member on the show. I've loved Ellen for years. (Had a girl crush ever since she started rocking suits with chucks.) It was only a matter of time before I stalked her in person.

The show was a lot of fun...a little unnerving because we had no idea if we'd get in or not. We had standby tickets...and were in the 300s number wise so I was preparing myself for disappointment.

Lucky the prep time was pointless. We got in with flying colors and had a blast. I won the first tshirt giveaway of the day...If you watch the show you know there's always folks from the audience who dance. Well I got the first shirt for having the most energy in the room. (If you know me you should know this isn't much of a shock.)

We danced, watched and then won a free grill at the end. Whaaaaaa! Yeah, we actually jumped around and hugged each other like we had one Oprah's favorite things or something. Incredible how you don't think you'll be THAT person and then you totally are.

In all, Ellen was just as cool and lovely in person as she seems to be on the boob tube. (no pun intended)


Jersey and I waiting in line to enter the building. Shortly after this I saw Portia (Ellen's wife) driving in. Surreal...


A shot of us on TV...We were in the very back. That was obviously not my 15 minutes of fame. 

Disney Day

2.18.2013
This morning the fam bam left...

4am and Tishy is standing outside of her garage bawling like someone just stole her favorite toy...which basically happened since all I did was play non-stop with my niece and nephew all weekend.

It was definitely a blast. Surprisingly Disney Land was more fun for the adults trying to wow the kids than it actually was for the little ones. We've decided we'll have to make it a traditional trek and take the kiddies back every couple of years. Epic meltdowns and Mickey just don't go together somehow. When they're older they'll probably split their pants with excitement...for now they just split their pants with poop. Not nearly as fun. 

It's amazing how exhausted the adults were. Each night we'd come home and crash on couches and chairs like it was nobody's business. While Jersey is still crazy excited to start producing miniature versions of us I think he might now want to take a year or two to explore the world (quietly) before we begin that chapter. 

Funny what some sugar + toddlers + a little one who calls her daddy's twin Dada will do to a bloke. 


Reese clung to her "dada" for most of the trip. My heart exploded every time she'd run after him smiling

Objects close to the camera are even sweeter than they appear

G funks

Kid in a flippin candy store.  Happy stimulations every which way!

The force is strong in these ones!

The kids loved rocking out to this man's classical masterpieces. Deep kids. 

Exhausted "Dada"


On This Valentines Day

2.14.2013
I've never been a fan of this holiday; if I'm being truthful.

I always hated going into work and seeing huge, tacky flower arrangements that showed all the single women around just how single they truly are. It feels so forced...it's about showing off and bragging about something and that's lame-o in my book.

That being said I LOVE spoiling my friends with love. I don't know how I can separate the romantic part from the sentimental, but I do.

I wanted to share a conversation I had with a dear friend today about love and all that weird stuff that comes up on this dreadful holiday...Single Awareness Day:

(Context: my friend saw one of her exes at an event she was at and it annoyed her...we recently sat down and made a sweet and honest list of what she is looking for in her future guy, too. Keep that in mind.)

Me: Weird lol…Well now that the universe knows you’ve created what you want it will test you. It’s going to send every broken man your way to see if you know what you want and mean what you want and are brave enough to look for what you want. This can either be a blessing or a beautiful adventure! You can look at it as a negative (there’s all these bad men) or you can see them all as teachers…that helped you open your eyes to the guy who is so worthy of being truly seen. Like Avatar “I see you.”

So whether I dig it or not, today's a day to discuss love in all it's many forms. Even I, a trained Vday cynic, can appreciate that.

They're Here...


Jersey's twin brother Mike, Sarah (his wife) and their kiddos are coming today! We've been geeked for their visit for months now and finally it's time!

I love seeing Jersey with his brother. I love when they come from different rooms wearing the same outfit...when they laugh the same...basically I'd like to put them in a box and study them like some kind of Twilight Zone experiment. They're just so darn adorably similar!

Sarah (Mike's wife and my soon to be sis-in-law) is someone I already refer to as "sis." We clicked the minute we met and have been slumber party buds ever since. I've never met someone who can stay up just as late as me talking and giggling. Together Mike and Sarah are great...they're just good ole fashioned fun people with THE most adorable son and daughter. My niece and nephew make me want to pop out babies yesterday.

We plan to hit up Disney Land and take them to the ocean. Basically Tishy's gonna have fun playing with some of her favorite people. Definitely marrying into the right family!


A Hallmark Movie

2.13.2013


{Photos by Mark Araña}
The fella watches one Hallmark flick and the landscape shots start. The lead male in the movie kept waking up at 5am to shoot and now ole boy is inspired....Role reversal is our best friend in this relationship.

It's been a minute. I don't know why my writing has gone to the crapper, but I just can't write a full blog post for the life of me. Mark's (Aka Jersey) twin brother and his wife and children are coming to visit us tomorrow so we've been preparing the home for their arrival (Read: baby proof and make sure the man cave is de-manned.)

I'm excited as heck, actually! The kids are so frickin adorable and sweet and awesome. We're taking the whole fam to Disney Land and it shall rock epically. I haven't been in years so I'm due for some Disney magic. (Aren't we all?)

Mark and I are doing (I think) better with the whole interracial dating stuff. I think it's just a matter of time, understanding and good talkie talkie time. He's a pretty dope fella so I'm not worried...well at least I'm not now that I said my peace and got that HUGE black elephant out of the way.

Acting is a whole nutha beast, though...

I went and picked up my check for my first commercial and now that I've shot it and gotten paid I'm thirsty for more. I've had two auditions since then and neither has panned out. This is what happens when an addict tastes their specific poison...You become a needy-crazed monster.

Tishy Need MOOoooOOOOre. (say this like the monster from The Labrynth.)

I think it's all of that which I wrote above that's made writing so hard...I'm just scattered. My head is constantly switching stuff up. It's exhausting, but I know like all things, this too shall pass.

The Call of Comfort

2.11.2013
So on Friday I finally bared my soul. I swear it took forever to find the words or thoughts that led up to me finally being able to voice what was truly bothering me.

I knew I was in a funk. I knew I was upset, but as the three half-written blogs I have pending can attest, I was clearly not thinking the root of all the angst was racially motivated. Have you ever had that happen; a feeling so hurtful and scary that you totally bury it?

Well I bared it and then the comments, a flood of love and support, came rushing in. One of my long time golden girlfriends called me and we talked for over an hour about this. I opened up about the details from my last post...the specifics that led to the feelings that finally helped me write.

Not any old talk can heal a broken heart. She was able to walk me through examples of what heartaches had happened to her and to people she loved... I was left with a well-rounded discussion that gave me some much needed peace.

Peace…I don’t care what anyone says about our relationships with our partners. We do not live on islands. They are not and can not be are one-stop go-to for all things life related. Thank God for good girlfriends! Thank GOD!

Being An Interracial Couple

2.08.2013
This is a long time coming...


You know that funk I've been in? Well it all stems from this one hurt that I haven't had the words to find. That is until this morning when they finally exploded out of me onto Jersey...words and lots of tears.

I have issues for the first time with being an interracial couple…

I’m one of those people who puts lots of importance into the dreams I have…sometimes I think they help me see a future I need to keep striving towards (like that one time I dreamed I was at the Oscars and all I saw was the black ankle strap to my heel) while other times my dreams paint some current issue that I need to process and work through. They’re always important…always have meaning. Whether anyone else chooses to believe that or not I still wake up each morning going, “Whoa!,” reaching for my notebook to write stuff down before it disappears.

For the last three nights I’ve had the same dream over and over again about race that’s just been eating at me.

In the past month I’ve heard the N word being used by non-black people and it was really irking the crap out of me. Here’s my deal. I don’t really care for the word period, but if my kid brother is defiant about sounding like an idiot then what can I do. He’s black…if he chooses to attempt to “reclaim the word” as rappers and black celebrities have taught him to, then have fun trying that out…I can’t say the same for folks who aren’t black and use the word. There’s nothing to reclaim. You’ve never been called the word. (Everything but the burden.)You’ve never felt how tangible the word can be…It seriously can cut, punch and suck the life out of me…

And I get mad…like murder red angry/Othello types of wrath that are almost impossible to control. I’m not proud of that anger, but it’s a hundred different instances of racist remarks that were flung at me as a kid…words used to hurt and destroy my spirit before I was strong enough to fight back…all neatly tucked in different areas of my throat waiting to explode.

I tried to explain this pain to Jersey and that’s when something changed. When we first started dating I didn’t think twice about our racial differences. He got me on so many levels and (I thought) understood what it felt like to be racially burned/scrutinized/picked on and shamed…but me sitting there explaining the word…well I knew we weren’t on exactly the same path and I started bawling. Three nights worth of dreams and I finally had to come clean because the pain I was carrying alone was eating at me.

It still hurts…which is why I’m still crying. I love that man, God knows I do, but a little slice of that innocent easy love chipped away when I had to explain that for once I felt alone…That I needed to know he would have my back (meaning I didn’t know if he truly did.) I needed him to jump racial lines if ever the need and defend a culture and a family that didn’t belong to him but one he married into and respected. We all talk about being colorless and all that namby pamby. I think that’s impossible and irresponsible. There’s nothing wrong with honoring and “seeing” race. Being black is my story…even when I didn’t know better…even when I thought I was white because I have a white mom, step-father and sisters and STILL called the N word I had a black story…my black experience.

So I told him all of this…and I could tell it hurt him because it defined us as different for probably the first conscientious time in our relationship, but it was eating at me.


There’s something desperate in my need to talk this out. Write it down. Let folks know I’m not okay with their casual use of a word that was slung at my people to remind them they were less than for far too long. There was a desperate need to get Jersey on board. Let him know I’m not going to sit in a circle and defend why the word is bad to his friends. That’s now something he has to start doing. He now has to let his friends know I understand and know how to say “black” in Tagalog…and that I’m very much aware of the tone in which they’re discussing black people right in front of me. Is that fair? I don’t know, but it comes with the ring he put on this particular finger. It’s just the way it is for me. And I would do the same for him!

I don’t have too many friends in my situation so I haven’t been able to talk about this with anyone. I have to find similar shoes soon though before I go mad.

In last night’s dream Jersey and I were hanging out with the couple who won the Knot Dream Wedding contest (yeah random and stalkerish but whatever) and I was looking at them and thinking to myself, “You two deserved to win more than us because we don’t have our ish together yet.” and it’s true. We have some work to do. I need to figure out so many things…the first being why this stuff decided to pop up now AFTER we decided to become engaged. A bit backwards, but at least it came.

So now I’m working on that. I swear a part of me just wants to go to my nearest Black History event and soak up that invisible thread of ‘knowing and understanding’ floating between people celebrating around me. I’ve been craving my peoples’ stories and presence like no other. Now it’s about the balance I’ll seek while trying to create my own NAACP-like atmosphere in the home I’m creating.

Do Not Disturb. I'm on the Moon

2.07.2013
My horoscope suggested I should put up a sign today about being on the moon...I thought it was fitting since I can't keep my head out of the clouds.

Do you ever wake up in a weird haze? I was dreaming and now my head is trying to pull me towards remembering whatever happened so I can't really function. I'm a Pisces. We are weird dreamers anyways so don't worry if I'm talking a lot of hippity dippity that makes you wanna scratch your watch and wind your butt.

Life's been so odd. I swear my fingers wrote weird, but the honest word is I'm troubled. Life's been troubling. It hasn't been hell, but I've just been blah...lethargic and annoyed. Don't know if Aunt Flow is just changing the game up or what, but God help the little fiances of the world because I am one peach my friends.

I'm dealing with some-timey spirits, wedding wait 2013 and auditioning let downs.

These are three things I can't control. I know I can't control them yet I worry about them all the same. I wish I could find peace with that instead of letting my inner worry wart destroy any sort of present awareness I currently own. I'm floating...wishing days to go by faster...waiting for some mythical better day that's supposed to be coming, but doesn't. Do you ever have those days/weeks/months?






Books + Beats

2.06.2013
Lately I've been trying to do less of the boob tube and more of that smart stuff I reckon I should be doing.

I've been reading and listening to music...like the good ole days.

As for 'literature' I've had my nose enthusiastically planted in The Uglies series. Oh how I love these books! I haven't read good ole geeky sci fi in quite some time and that's what it is. Fun sci fi. Lots of adventure...totally YA (young adult books) and I.CAN'T.GET.ENOUGH.

I'm about to start the fourth and final book, but I had to take a break so I could get in a library book with a deadline. (Wouldn't want a book to explode in my face!) The book is called Unorthodox. I'm fascinated as all get out with mysterious cultural fringe groups. Ever since I saw Oprah's interview with a group of Hasidic Jewish women I've wanted to learn more. And then Poof! The last book club recommendation came up. Books find you... I always say that!

As for music...I don't know why I do this, but I will crave a song for months and months. It drives those around me bat shat probably, but I care not. That song right now happens to be "Sara Smile" by The Bird and the Bee. I love this band, but this song...THIS SONG seriously turns me into a cheesy, peace-sign-throwing-gal with a need to groove.

I want to see Sara smile!


Take On Me

2.05.2013





So weird, but this lovely song from A-Ha keeps popping up in my life. First I was tweeting about it with a twitter friend and then I was catching up on Happy Endings and OH MY GOD they're talking about it on Happy Endings! They've made the video I always wanted to be in as a kid. I wanted a cute man to reach his hand through the drawing I had done and pull me into his scary little world with cops and wall slams. 

Then I remembered "there's an app for that!" and I got down to business. Jersey was a good sport, as usual. I really super duper wish I had an apple computer for stuff like this. iMovie sucks on the iPad and iPhone. Just so you know. Good first attempt, though. Pat on the back. 

Huntington Library

2.04.2013
On Saturday I woke up at the butt crack of dawn to go to the Huntington Library with Brigid. She is a member so she and one guest are always allowed to walk the grounds before the general public comes in and noises the place up.

I swear it was magical being out there. It was just me, Brigid and the statues. I was in heaven.

Arabella Huntington...now there's a philanthropist worth knowing! She's someone who someone else should do some primary research on. She collected some of the most beautiful art and furniture pieces I've seen in a long time. I caught myself walking as silently as possible; wondering if she had smelled the flowers I was smelling. How her summer cottage looked when she walked through the grass... It was enchanting. One lovely day indeed.















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