I'm alive! I woke up! You all are rolling your eyes and saying, "Yeah, Tish. We do that every day. Good job," but today I had a procedure done in the morning that required sedation and I do not do well with the idea of going under. Anytime my life feels like it could be in jeapordy I do my tried and true Tishy 'thing': I write goodbye letters to those I love. I lost my father at a young age and (never got to say goodbye) so now I HAVE to say goodbye. Words can never go unspoken! People think I just HAVE to have the last word, but that's never been the motive. I just can't do that to anyone. My loved ones HAVE.TO.KNOW. Period.
So last night as Mark and I got ready for bed I sat down with my book and began to write. I wrote a letter for each person I love and instructions for what I wanted to happen after my passing. Do you know how hard it is to write a living will? I cried so hard my nose started bleeding. YES! Mark was drifting off to sleep and then I start spazzing out; he wakes up startled and freaked and then we both laugh as I lay in his arms with tissue shoved up each of my nostrils.
And that's when it got even more hard, because thinking about losing a man you JUST married and doing that to him...and leaving him. Well, it just kind of tore me up inside. I hugged him tight for a very long time and in the morning as the nurse pulled me away I hugged him again and whispered in his ear that I loved him very much. It's scary letting go of someone's hand and walking into surgery. I was in a bed with needles stuck into me for a good hour before they gave me the happy juice (as they called it.) That was so nerve wracking and heart breaking.
I love that man. I love that man! OOO WEEE, do I love him! I fell for that fella quick when we first met. We've definitely had our fair share of moments where I've wanted to trip him nice and hard, but I love him so much harder than I've ever wanted to trip him. :)
I'm glad I woke up and was wheeled out to his smiling face. I'm thankful for the beautiful friends who texted and called the night before to wish me luck. My wonderfully kooky mom and my best friend...I'm thankful he took off work and sat beside me ALL.DAY as I slept.
I of course will read the letters to my loved ones. Why? Because you should always tell your loved ones how you feel? I love journaling. It's such a beautiful way to document. The old school blogging. You all just think this was a trend that started for me in 2005. Pshhh! I've been chronicling since 1987, yo. Word to your mother.
Journaling helps me remember and reminisce...helps me reflect on who I was and who I now am. I'm proud of myself, too. I have no regrets. I am perfectly content with those who are present in my life. When you're sitting there processing your life and the decisions you have made you wonder if you've made the right choices. I have. Realizing that was a gift in itself. I'm getting back to old school...loyal and loveable people who you can count on hands found their way into my life and there they shall remain.
I have my peoples. I'm alive and so are you.
It's a Wonderful Life.