Secret Burden

7.26.2013
I recently read a Vogue interview with Claire Danes that had my wheels churning. (Don't you love when you read something and a specific passage or maybe a word...possibly a thought sticks out and then sticks to your bones until you let it marinate and finally process/resolve in your noggin?)

She mentioned secret burdens and the little self-reflection fairies started dancing around me like the Harlem Shake song was on. 

Secret burdens...in Claire's case it's a fear that she won't be able to connect to her character in the magic way all great actors are supposed to. I swear that woman's brain fascinates the shat out of me. How I love me a smart gal. Her comparisons are poetic. Her motivation, encouraging. 

After I was done swooning over her words and the idea of everyone having a secret burden I started wondering about my own. Mine would have to be that I'm just a dreamer...I fear that I'm just really great at dreaming and I do it so hard that it feels real. I believe in my bones I'm supposed to act and be in film. What if it's just a beautiful dream and nothing more? That burden haunts me every day. My agent calls and the fear creeps up...as I sit at an audition it crawls closer to my heart...when I wait for the callback it travels up further and starts pulsating in my head. There's nothing more exhausting than tangible fear having a drum party in your brain. That's for darn skippy. 

It's a burden, but it doesn't weigh me down enough to keep me out of the hot seat. Still auditioning...still trying to believe I'm more than just a snazzy dreamer. 

So what about you? What's your burden?

Photograph by Annie Leibovitz, for Vogue August 2013

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