Last night I watched the ESPYs and cried as Robin Roberts graciously and beautifully accepted the Arthur Ashe Courage Award.
She quoted her mother, "Make your mess your message," and it resonated. I had always heard that we all have stories. A professor told me once none of us are special, which always was at odds with me and my writing. I don't write about fashion or food...I write about what's happening in my life. I realize (trust me I do) that my life is far from entertaining. I'm not jet setting off to Paris at the drop of a hat, but I still need to journal. This is me being Doogie Howser...my Murder She Wrote...my Margaret and God moment. It's me telling my story to make sense out of my own mess and possibly (on a much smaller scale) sharing my message.
Side note: I'm sick of calling Mark "Jersey". He's lived in California with me for years now. While the fella still rocks all his Jersey gear passionately, he's now a true Cali kid. That being said Mark and I went to see my therapist from a while back, yesterday.
That woman has the best energy and light shooting out of her face I swear to GOD. I hugged my friend of yesteryear and then Mark and I sat on her couch and we all discussed some of the things that I've had a hard time with as of late. The issues were resolved and then I got to sit and talk WITH someone to my therapist. So weird to think that it was totally comfortable having him beside me. She gave us time to talk about us and how we work as a couple and I'm happy to report back she said we're pretty darn awesome and on the right track. (We talk. It's always good for two love birds to communicate.)
Mark was surprised it wasn't like it is in the movies. We weren't screaming at each other and waiting for the therapist to interject and say things like "I hear what you're saying. Now let your partner talk." and so forth. Just a peaceful, loving and sunny room...with an angel sitting there listening.
She calmly asked why I've given certain individual so much power in my life...and gave me some sound advice for how to deal with past pain that attempts to linger. Being accountable has been freeing for me lately. I've made sure to take care of me whether that meant watching a ton of kid movies last week; taking breaks from my daily workouts when my body yells, "Uncle", having good, long and meaningful conversations with my loved ones and staying the hell off social media. That one's been fascinating!
When you remove social media drama from your life you notice just how often you "check out" instead of dealing...I see how often I used social media as a crutch--reading a friend's update instead of reaching out and seeing how life REALLY is...because we all know we never really share the tears quite as often as we show our green grass. I read more lol....(sad) and I pay attention. I don't know how long this vacation will last, but I'm enjoying it more than I thought I would. I thought it would be hell, but it's been freeing.
So all this to say that I'm healing. That's what I've been up to. My mess is my message. It always has been I think...