Yesterday I was in the gym going through the third round of my exercises when this overwhelming sorrow swooped up and knocked my heart out of my chest. I mean one minute I was doing bicep curls and before I could say "center yourself," I was dropping tears in front of complete strangers.
Has that ever happened to you? This has been a really hard week for me, but I've never had an experience quite like that. It's almost as if the sweat purging was purging some of the bad I was trying to repress. I've heard that we can hold pain and sorrow in our muscles and thus release those emotions, but it's never happened to me before.
I'm pretty honest when it comes to this blog, but there are some things (especially when it involves my personal relationships) that I'm always hesitant to discuss. Usually this is fine and dandy because I can discuss said things with the actual person and be cool, but I've put myself in a really hard and confusing situation.
In a nutshell, someone isn't being honest with me. She's not sharing, not opening up, doing some shady things and making it completely obvious, saying some hurtful things and I, for some inexplicable reason, can't just say how I feel about the situation.I can't say it to her. Can't write about it... In fact I can't explain it to anyone! Usually I can come home and just let it all out and Jersey will listen and allow...or J will listen and help me through something, but I can't figure out the reason this person is causing me so much pain. If I can't identify the pain then I can't speak it into a tangible existence I can deal with. If I can't deal with it then I can't fix it and if I can't fix it then they're going to keep being able to hurt me. They're gonna keep doing it until I have a passive aggressive meltdown and explode in rage. Friendships are important, but sheesh if someone is obviously not respecting you, your heart...YOU then usually you'd just let them go and you'd be okay with that situation, but I'm damn confused for some reason and hurt. Beyond those feelings I can't really express how I feel or why I feel it. Does this make sense?
All I know is I need to get it together...for me. I need to become stronger enough with my life and my heart and my positive relationships and find happiness where it's always supposed to pull from--your internal reserve and boot this baddie's hold on me. Be honest, get it out! Speak! Say something! Say the right thing!
I've done all that by the way....I've said time and time again my intentions and reasons and explanations, but for some reason they're not sinking into this person's skull because we keep hitting the same damn walls. My heart is bruising. It can't take much more. So because this person is never truly understanding, she just keeps doing the same damn stuff.
This situation is really jacking with stuff. It makes me SO appreciate for those in my life who are consistently lifting me up and challenging me to live in a genuine state of mind. I'm allowed to be open, honest and sincere. By no means does this weird predicament deter me from loving and appreciating those folk, but it definitely takes energy away from them. Energy that I would MUCH rather spend loving and supporting those who do the same to me. Just got to kick this ish before it eats me alive. Suggestions are welcome.