Last week I sat in an audience listening to a woman sing the most beautiful music. The music was haunting and captivating, but unfortunate for her she had to compete with the party that was going on around her. The peoples' chatter would ebb and flow; whispers turning into loud whirrings and I would see her attempt to go deeper and deeper into where ever the song was trying to take her just so she could remain focused.

It was at that moment, the minute of that thought I had, she looked right at me. She smiled and then her umph came back. Me being the hippity dippity person that I am, I immediately picked up on the fact that we had exchanged some positive energy but then buried the thought and went back to watching.

After her performance people were standing around and sipping on their cocktails. I was with my friends waiting for a photo booth when I saw her walking towards me. She smiled and beamed; thanking me for my good energy. I swear Jersey looked at me crazy. I ALWAYS talk to him about energy and how sensitive I am to it and he just scoffs...laughs and rolls his eyes thinking I've just pulled it out of my butt. Nope. Others get it. And for once I did a good.

This week I've been a whirring ball of energy. Just picking up on subtle changes in the people I hold close to me...even feeling the presence of those who have passed (my daddy for instance.) It's just a good time to connect and share goodness I guess.

I've had a crazy couple of weeks; filled with negative nouns. This sort of thing is helping me out of that environment for sure. Like I said before, there's power in peace.


"It's a truism by now to say that the Internet has made music placeless and ubiguitous." ~ Sasha Frere-Jones, The New Yorker

I've been a bit lost. I stopped reading; stopped exploring new sounds and bands...I've just been existing--mind on sleep mode, hand on the remote control and now I'm a bit batty. I'm in the mood for something new. New book suggestions, new bands I should check out so for all those reading, I would love your help.

Currently reading The Untethered Soul and Sula.
Currently listening to The Great Gatsby Soundtrack.

Need to get back on track and get the ole noodle thinking and working properly! Where's the music?

Power in the Peace

I wasn't ready to write...I've been going through some really hard, painful friendship issues that have affected me to my core. I've felt really vulnerable, exposed, betrayed...all the gnarly stuff that isn't the time or the place considering I'm getting married in three months. THREE MONTHS.

But I've had some pretty fantastic people send me some strength, love and encouragement lately. Yesterday Jersey and I went to my cousin Sheli's place for a roof top party and had a great time laughing and catching up with friends. One of my favorite souls was there; a gal I haven't seen in ages named Ocean. She's a Kiwi (New Zealander) with a dazzling smile and an electric personality. I swear to God I wasn't sharing my pains and current worries...I've been bottling those bad boys up in the most unhealthy of ways, but right as we were leaving she grabbed me for a hug and whispered in my ear that she reads my blogs...had wanted me to know that there's something wonderful about how honest and open I am.

I've felt really down lately. Someone's done a good job of smearing my name and throwing me in a box reserved for the not so nice people and I'm way too sensitive to ignore it. I take great pride in my kindness and openness. I feel the bad energy being slung my way and it's heavy and hard to carry. Every night I've been praying for those wishing ill will towards me...sending them light. It was good to hear that not everyone is looking to catch something bad or negative in me. I needed that break. I needed someone to see me for who I am and what I know. Yeah...I know I should be strong enough to ignore those who have it wrong, but when push comes to shove we put trust and faith in our closest friends so when the closest friends throw us to the wind it's hard to suddenly turn your feelings off.

I needed her words...and Jersey's hilarious tipsy talks with our favorite Brit Andy...and my cousin's beautiful smile and strongly mixed cocktails...and Emma and her Poppy...I needed yesterday's Memorial roof top party and all the happiness and joy that came with it.

Sentimental Sap | A Farewell To Remember

I'm such a sap when it comes to saying good bye.

Yesterday I said good bye to the Flying Red Tomato. I traded him in for my dream car...the Prius. (Who has yet to be officially named. I'm still playing around with some stuff.) I know I'm silly. It's just a car, but I'll miss that fun little car. I have a hard time with change...with letting go...with saying good bye.

This is what happens when you name something and give it its own personality. It becomes real...personified to the umpteenth degree. I might have to have a moment to mourn...maybe a week.  That car saved me. My dear sweet Sebring blew up on the freeway (dramatic ass) so I had to get a car quick and there was my fun little Matrix; sitting on the lot just waiting for me to take him home.

Do you ever pet your car when it's tuckering out going up a hill? Do you talk to it? Well I did! And he became a friend. Still swear that's why my cars last me so long. They know how much they mean to me.

So yes, I'm totally geeked that I finally drive my dream car, but it's bittersweet. FRT deserved a proper farewell. Thanks for the memories you lovely red booger.

They let me have a moment to remove my FBG sticker and my KU license plate. I may or may not have teared up.

Defining Oneself

Audre Lorde once said, "If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive."

I heard this quote years ago, but I could never let it really seep in. It wasn't relevant to my life. (I knew who I was and was pretty good at presenting that definition to whomever I chose.) Recently I've had the pleasure of dealing with a painful breakup that I feel in my bones is resulting in a lot of talk about who I am as a person...and I'm not so sure it's true. I'm pretty darn open about admitting my faults and telling it like it is so I find it offensive when someone comes to me and says, "Well I've heard you're this and that," I say no and they give me the side eyes; disbelieving me because who honestly would say they were a bad person. I would!

I've been labeled as self absorbed, mean...needy, jealous. It's like the person spoke the words and they floated on over to me and pinned themselves upon my face. It's all a group of people currently see when they look at me. I feel it and I'm at a loss. I was really sad and quiet on Saturday while driving with Jersey. After explaining to him why I was moping in silence (me quiet is scary...) he took a moment and then carefully replied that I was going to have to go this one alone. That I was in charge of whether or not those adjectives meant anything. That I didn't have to allow other peoples' definitions to eat me alive.

It's hard though. When you place someone in a box it's hard to let them out. It's like telling people you saw a tree with a dollar bill hanging from its branch. From that point on those people will stare at trees with an intensity you never knew they had. We're curious creatures with a knack for focus on the dramatic. There's that and the fact that it physically hurts me to know that people in my inner circle could think such things about me...and believe that mess.

There's a lesson in all this, though. I've shared my opinion of people before. I've created unfair definitions. Now I see how it feels. It's not nice. Don't think I"ll be doing that in the future. I'm totally cool with allowing people to form their own opinions.

I have some serious damage control to deal with and not a clue as to where to start. Do I just keep being me and let the skeptics learn in their own time? Smart, but I'm much too impatient for that mess. Couldn't I just stand on Willy Wonka's golden egg scale and let those folks see if I'm a good egg or a bad one? Where can I find one of those?

Handing the heart breaks one smile at a time...

Sometimes You Bomb


"I really, deeply believe that dreams do come true. Often, they might not come when you want them. They come in their own time."~Diana Ross

Oh I bombed it mighty bad on an audition yesterday. I stepped outside of myself and could see myself bombing. I kept thinking, "Tish you're blowing this! Stop reading the cards! Stop screwing it up! Smile! Stop looking like a deer in headlights! You're an actress for Pete's sake!"

...and then it was over. I had stopped talking. The man behind the camera gave me a pitiful smile and that was it. I walked out of the casting office. I hung my head. Grabbed some fruit from the grocery store so that I wouldn't be judged for parking illegally there and then went home; tail between my legs.

I know we all have our bad days. That was definitely mine. I just had so much going on in my head. It would have meant so much that could have helped us out. It would have meant another bullet on my meager resume. Sigh...

Another day...another chance to make it, right?

Gatsby (No Spoilers!)

Why did I wait until Thursday to post this?!!?!

I don't know, but I saw Gatsby over the weekend and it was amazing. Honestly, I wasn't expecting much out of this movie. I'm one of those rare breeds that didn't have to read this book in high school. I had no earthly idea what it was about. (I thought it was about a heist...I thought 'gatsby' was a noun.) I asked my gal pal J to hook me up with some background knowledge on the story and this is what she gave me:

"It's about a bunch of rich miserable people being rich and miserable to each other."

I still chose to see it because Baz Luhrmann directed that bad boy and I LOVE ME SOME BAZ! I know his style annoys many..."too flashy, too cray" for them, but I happen to delight in his whimsical visions. Moulin Rouge was the bee's knees and so was Rome + Juliet. The man can do no wrong. Even loved his more subdued Australia. I must have put a shrimp on the barbie in my former life.

Anyways, I saw the flick and it didn't disappoint. I don't usually gush over Leonardo DiCaprio, but MAN did he kill it! His intensity was great! There were moments where I swooned over Gatsby. I forgot all about that big headed boy who pimps a Prius (that would be Leo) and was all for Gatsby and his love interest.

Okay and now I get super girly on y'all. I LOVED THE JEWELS! Oh my gosh, how I swooned over Daisy's pearl earrings and all of the other Tiffany & Co. jewels. The costume designer was doing the damn thing! I want to meet her! And I want her to give me diamonds! I fell in love with Daisy and her style. I told Jersey I need a complete makeover and I need to dress exactly like her. He said I could as soon as we win the lotto. Sweet!

Back to the film, though. There was passion, action, comedy, great writing (Baz made sure to incorporate exact passages from the book which was a clever choice.) and the music...OH THE MUSIC! It was intense, awesome and loud. I looked over at one point and the lady beside me was covering her ears. Wasn't a fan of the covers apparently, but Jersey and I were jamming. Like seriously moving in our seats.

Period pieces can get super jacked up, but Baz didn't jack up ish. Baz did good. Baz did reeeeeal good.

Four Months

We have four months until we marry...

FOUR MONTHS! I'd like to think that's plenty of time, but it's not. Sooo much to do. Sooo little time. I was at the gym yesterday and one of the trainers who I'm cool with told me I looked stressed and she'd be right. I'm stressed!

How do people deal with people not responding!? The bakery we're trying to get our desserts from hasn't gotten back to us in two months and I've constantly been calling and emailing. Not cool Robert Frost!

I have this list of things that have to get done. One thing gets checked off and three more grow in its place. It's a Greek mythology ordeal. It's a wedding hydra!!! I would draw a picture but that would be one more thing I had to do for this wedding beast and I JUST.CANT.DO.IT.CAPTAIN!

I want this all to be over and done with. I'm not gonna lie. Help! HELLLLLP!

I went after Jersey the other day with a vengeance. He was the bloke who wanted this dumb thing and I gave it to him kindly and I'm shoving it towards him saying, "HERE! You wanted it you worry about the decor and shat!"

He started out really good and helpful, but he pulled a smooth operator on me. I woke up one day and realized I was making all of the decisions and planning the whole thing...taking on that annoying girl role that I never wanted. Oh nooooo he diddant!

That is my life right now. Well at least underneath the cool facade I've been trying to wear in public. You'd think this stuff would be easy but it's not. I don't know why, but it's not and I will throat punch any girl that tells me differently right now.

Weddings are for the crazy!

Sister, You've Been on My Mind


My last birthday in Middle Earth was one of the most memorable birthdays I've ever had...I had all my favorite women in one room...all wearing green and having a good time. I had this click of wonderful women of color that were my crew called the sister girls. That night they were all there. Yesterday one of those lovely women sent a tweet out with a picture of the card I had sitting on every girls' plate.

She kept the card! I talk about that card ALL.THE.TIME. to everyone who will listen. Partially because The Color Purple is my favorite film of all time, but also because it summed up my feelings for those women to a T.

I have a dear friend who hosted and put together that party for me. An event planner, to the bone, Vikkie didn't miss a single detail. It was absolutely perfect. I'm hoping similar memories and good times are had at my bachelorette party this summer. My J and gal pal E are doing the damn thing. They've planned this amazing weekend and done exactly what I love to do most; they're allowing me to honor the women who I've fallen in love with over the years. I can't wait!

There's something about the act of honoring friendships that puts me in the best of moods.

Great Adventures with Mish | Take 2


Man yesterday was the best random chaos I have probably ever had with Jersey. I don't know what it was about this particular weekend, but we found ourselves without set plans so we winged it...all weekend long.

We saw The Great Gatsby which I thoroughly enjoyed. You just can't go wrong with a Baz film, I'm afraid. Sunday was the best, though. After a beautiful morning spent with E getting matcha green tea and java Jersey and I decided to beat the heat by heading south. We have good friends who live and work in Long Beach so we headed down for some of the best fish tacos. Then we drove even more south to spend the rest of the day with my lovely cousin, Sheli and her posse of awesome friends. 

Lots of drinking involved...some parts of yesterday are a blur, but it was so fun hanging with blokes from England (one a hilarious Irish man who just happened to grow up in London)  and my family. 

I'm a hot mess of tired today, but it was so worth it. For one glorious weekend we were young and free. :)

Let Me Be Your Star

Post title inspired by theme song of the TV show, Smash. When I say I belt that at least ONCE a's more like a couple. (sheepish grin) Yesterday Jersey and I headed down to Hollywood to watch a screening of a new show. I will discuss the actual show on FBG so look out for that. It was cool beans! Sorry for the tease, but I wanted to talk about the act of being on a studio lot for this bad boy post.

It doesn't matter how long I've lived here; how many times I've played on a lot; I always get giddy when I step foot in between those studio buildings. Fox Studios was no different. We pulled up and the stars in my little eyes started to pulsate. We parked and headed into the heart of the place and my inner geek went nuts. I started (loudly) telling Jersey that people in the surrounding area must be feeling something special in the air...that they were thinking, "She's here. I can feel that someone with the magic; someone with the 'it factor' is here and we must find her." Jersey laughed and walked a little ahead of me so people wouldn't think we were together.

It can never be helped. So much of my dreams float in that area of the city. I walk around and I see hologram-like images of myself walking here and there; going from show to show...working and doing my dream job; happy and cracked out with joy.

Yesterday evening was perfect. I was humbled for sure because I wasn't there in the capacity I've always wanted. (I was press not talent.) But I was there and for now it's good enough baby!

Absolute Peace

Yesterday was my last and final zit zapping treatment otherwise known as Omnilux.

I will miss those lovely appointments. Each Monday and Wednesday I would go to my dermatologist, sit in a little biddy dark room and they would shine either a blue or a red light on my face. The nurse would tell me she'd come back in 20 minutes and the minute she'd close that door I would fall IMMEDIATELY.

I would dream of sugar plum fairies dancing in my head; I was so relaxed and calm. I swear I've never felt that kind of peace before. I have no idea what those little lights do, but damn they're magical! It's been so long since I've been calm, which is sad. Even when I go to get a massage my mind is racing in a million directions or focused on the severity of the rub down (I'm sensitive!) so it's been a super long time. After those naps my workouts are ridiculous. I have mounds of good energy; way more than coffee could ever give me.

I'd love to say that time helps me focus and come up with answers for world peace, but I seriously knock out and 20 minutes later I'm dazed and confused wondering how it was over that quickly and if I had drooled while out. And I'm okay with that.

PS the skin is looking crazy better! It's hard to believe how out of control it was. Because I'm brave, I'll show you the madness I was referring to.

proactive, zits, problem skin

Crazy, right?! I have NO idea where it came from. Well that's not true. It was a combination of stress and dairy (I'm lactose intolerant...and wasn't aware that the whey protein mix I was slurping down every day was actually freaking my skin out. The minute I stopped drinking it my skin stopped producing colonies of alien zits. Coincidence? I think not!)

Never thought I'd allow something as silly as my skin to interfere with my life, but boy did I go into hermit mode. I didn't want to see anyone. Couldn't stand being in public; just knew people were gawking at my face. I'm learning some humble lessons y'all. Indeed I am...

Always and Forever

Best times are rarely grand and over the top.

Last night E came over with Sir Diddy. We cooked together, drank a little vino, jammed LOUDLY to "Luffa" Vandross and watched New Girl and it was flippin awesome with a capital A. (Dick Vitale style)

Work can be long and quiet (since I work from home full time) and my workouts can be even more grueling so it's nice to get some estrogen up in the hizzouse and do the darn thing. 

This chick has helped me out immensely over the years...she's helping out with my wedding ish (helping to plan THE best bachelorette party known to women world wide) and I couldn't be more grateful.

My suggestion: Find a friend who laughs at the same comedic parts; sings the same (but wrong) notes when Luffa comes on and is open to doing absolutely nothing together from time to time. Your life will be just a little bit better, my friend. I promise you this.

The Wedding | It's Coming Together!

I swear I thought I'd never write that...

 How far I've come since the months of freaking worry! When I first accepted the fact that I had to plan a wedding (whether my court-house-butt wanted to or not) I  didn't handle it so well. I'd say I panicked a bit. Just a tiny bit. I made plans and we found a venue and this and that, but it all seemed totally robotic and forced and alien as all get up.

Then everything fell through...the budget acted like a shart gone dud. We were expecting this huge outpouring (hee hee...I love using poop references so very much) and thankfully my parents slapped reality and sensibility back into me (too many TLC shows!) and gave me a more realistic budget which meant we got the HADES OUT of Los Angeles and thus out of that stupid trap that you have to follow some cookie cutter approach to your wedding day.

So yeah, once we knew LA was out of the question our true wedding frolicked into our laps and Jersey and I have been happily planning ish every since. The engagement shoot was perfect and then some. The invitations are just as fun. We're being goofs and totally poking fun at tradition and silly notions of keeping up with the married Joneses.

Now everything feels like it's really us. We plan to incorporate one of my favorite movies by Roald Dahl in our wedding...something Jersey and I came up with years ago, mind you. Turns out that the day we marry is the very same day fans of Mr. Dahl celebrate his birthday; September 13th. I found that out over the weekend. Spooky? I'd say so! I think the coincidence is totally lovely and practically perfect in every way (Mary Poppins, you still rock my world, too!)

So yeah, I'm still stressing...the results of which you can see on my face, but I'm having fun more than anything. I love the process. I'm savoring it like I've been told to do. I'm grateful now that I have friends who did this ish before me that I trust. When they tell me what to expect and do I listen...and do!

Invitations will go out soon. My first dress fitting is coming up as well as my bachelorette party which my woman of honor says is thrilling my girls to no end. I'm about to explode with glee. Pelvic thrusts of excitement!!!

Sula | The Book Found Me


How many times do I have to say books find you; you don't find the books?...

Toni Morrison's Sula found me and it was spooky how relevant this read has been for me. In the forward, Morrison discusses the effects of leaving a female friendship. Based on last Friday's post I'd say this book fell into my lap at just the right time. That's not even the creepy part, though! I brought the book to a golf outing I was helping Jersey with. I was sitting there on the golf course, wind blowing gently; peace bouncing all around when I read the first sentence of the first chapter...a sentence that involved a golf course. 

If that ain't a random cousin of a baboon's butt I don't' know what is!

I put the book down slowly...looked around for the hidden cameras and then smiled. Books find you. You don't find the books. 

I'm enjoying this read. Toni's stories are rich and soulful. Each word packs on extra meat that you can't help but try to hang on to. Love that darn woman's mind and then some.

When You Keep Hitting the Same Walls

Yesterday I was in the gym going through the third round of my exercises when this overwhelming sorrow swooped up and knocked my heart out of my chest. I mean one minute I was doing bicep curls and before I could say "center yourself," I was dropping tears in front of complete strangers.

Has that ever happened to you? This has been a really hard week for me, but I've never had an experience quite like that. It's almost as if the sweat purging was purging some of the bad I was trying to repress. I've heard that we can hold pain and sorrow in our muscles and thus release those emotions, but it's never happened to me before.

I'm pretty honest when it comes to this blog, but there are some things (especially when it involves my personal relationships) that I'm always hesitant to discuss. Usually this is fine and dandy because I can discuss said things with the actual person and be cool, but I've put myself in a really hard and confusing situation.

In a nutshell, someone isn't being honest with me. She's not sharing, not opening up, doing some shady things and making it completely obvious, saying some hurtful things and I, for some inexplicable reason, can't just say how I feel about the situation.I can't say it to her. Can't write about it... In fact I can't explain it to anyone! Usually I can come home and just let it all out and Jersey will listen and allow...or J will listen and help me through something, but I can't figure out the reason this person is causing me so much pain. If I can't identify the pain then I can't speak it into a tangible existence I can deal with. If I can't deal with it then I can't fix it and if I can't fix it then they're going to keep being able to hurt me. They're gonna keep doing it until I have a passive aggressive meltdown and explode in rage. Friendships are important, but sheesh if someone is obviously not respecting you, your heart...YOU then usually you'd just let them go and you'd be okay with that situation, but I'm damn confused for some reason and hurt. Beyond those feelings I can't really express how I feel or why I feel it. Does this make sense?

All I know is I need to get it together...for me. I need to become stronger enough with my life and my heart and my positive relationships and find happiness where it's always supposed to pull from--your internal reserve and boot this baddie's hold on me. Be honest, get it out! Speak! Say something! Say the right thing!

I've done all that by the way....I've said time and time again my intentions and reasons and explanations, but for some reason they're not sinking into this person's skull because we keep hitting the same damn walls. My heart is bruising. It can't take much more. So because this person is never truly understanding, she just keeps doing the same damn stuff.

This situation is really jacking with stuff. It makes me SO appreciate for those in my life who are consistently lifting me up and challenging me to live in a genuine state of mind. I'm allowed to be open, honest and sincere. By no means does this weird predicament deter me from loving and appreciating those folk, but it definitely takes energy away from them. Energy that I would MUCH rather spend loving and supporting those who do the same to me. Just got to kick this ish before it eats me alive. Suggestions are welcome.

The Bean Lady

My beloved Bean Lady has passed away :(

My grandmother called me the other day just as sad as can be. She was a good friend to my gram. They played cards together often and she always stood by her prophecy that I'd make it in acting. There's one thing I can't take and that's a sad gram. My gram, bless her heart, is a Pisces like me. We're sensitive, emotional women who wear our big ole hearts on our sleeves. This is the time I wish I could just jet back home and give her a hug. Mother Jones, as my gram referred to her, will always be around...I shall carry her with me.

Normally that would seem like a natural response for someone to make about someone who's passed, but the odd thing is I never even met her...a minor insignificant detail.  She told my gram my story when I was super small...when she did that she became a part of my story and life. I think of her often and her words that I'm going to make it. When I'm at my weakest, I carry her words.

I think that's the lesson in all of this...that someone's words can be so powerful and stay with you always. I want to thank that beautiful woman for giving my grandmother hope in me and giving me a little in the process.

Today choose your words carefully. Say the good things. Uplift someone. Share your truths. A little love goes a long, long way.

She said this little girl would grow to be someone that people would liste to... I would make it as an actor. I will! Promise!

I Got 99 Problems

Second post on skin...

Today was hard. I got to do this amazing event for FBG and instead of soaking up every cool moment of that awesome experience I was focusing on how embarrassing it was to be on film with my skin condition.

This ish is painful as heck and even more painful on my ego, BUT today I realized just how wonderful my friends are. My gal pal recommended a skincare line she uses and swears by. Another referred me to her laser doc. My Cinderfella (Jersey) has been nothing, but kind and understanding. He doesn't put up with my negative self talk, but he listens and supports my dietary experiments to eliminate whatever it is that's triggering the explosions of mass destruction.

Later today I will see the doc again. I may cry. I'm super duper sensitive about having this stuff around so close to my wedding day. Not cool man...just not cool. So crossing my fingers and keeping those digits far, far away from my face!
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