My faith in me and my life broke last week. 

As soon as it happened I knew it wasn't a fleeting mood. I knew the light that has always pushed me forward...the one that has always allowed me to believe I had something big to do in this world went out. I haven't cried this much in a long time. 

I've spent this weekend breaking down how this all came about. A huge part of it was the epic acting breakdowns that happened over last week's hellacious days. I got three auditions that were all terribly wrong for me. I was a seat filler...there to make the casting directors feel like they got their quota but I knew and they knew I was nowhere near what they needed: wasted gas, wasted time and wasted energy...

I get that commercial work is all about silly details I can't change. I'm not White or Asian. I'm too tall...these are things that I get and don't affect my heart. I don't cry over not being this or that. I am what I am. I do get upset, though when I see that the right parts never come. I'm not even put in those rooms. It's as if they don't exist and it's that realization that I start to cry. 

The actual business of acting hasn't broken's that I haven't even been given a chance that has broken my spirit. My whole life has been about this dream. I knew at a very young age that I had a gift and that some day I'd be great at it...I'd be successful at it. Instead I'm sitting on my couch, watching Super Soul Sunday and shaking my head that nothing they say makes any sense to me. I have $4 to my name and a quiet home. (not a good cocktail)

I was meditating but that stuff only works for people who get what they want. It only works for the successful. If you keep trying and trying at something and never see positive stuff happening then you're insane to keep going. Isn't that what Einstein said? I'm surrounded by success. I see my friends and family experiencing it all the time. Maybe they want to be the best mother they can they are. They want to be a doctor so they find the job. They want to be the best trainer they can be so someone comes knocking on their door asking if they want to start a boot camp company. I mean the magic is ALL AROUND me and I take it that it's God's way of saying you're not meant for this. This success thing isn't for you. You don't get to have what you want.

When I see someone's light (aka potential) I help them. I help them get what they want and it's awesome for them, but I'm growing bitter because no one sees mine. Maybe it's because I surround myself around the successful who don't need help (famous quote: when we need help, we should help) I'm not sure, but my spirit is dim. My faith in persistence has crashed and burned and I'm deaf to the Positive Pollyanna that usually keeps me going. 

I don't want to write for awhile. I don't want to do much of anything except figure out how to get out of this intact so yeah, if you (my three readers) don't hear from me it's just because I've lost that 'thing' that has always made writing possible...

My dreams, faith, happiness and optimism are on hiatus. There isn't a lick of luv or kiwi power in this girl. 


  1. If you are really passionate about acting and that is what you want to do, why is your success or failure dependent upon the approval of a group of people who can't see what you have to offer? Good riddance to them. Find kindred spirits who can truly appreciate your talent and passion. Write your own play. Get people together and act in it. Find other playwrights and screenwriters who are looking for exactly what you have to offer. There might be few and it may not be easy to find them, but if you reject all that is not what you want, you will get closer to that which you do.

    I know of actors and actresses who truly enjoy acting and are superb artists. Yes, they are performing in plays no one knows about but those who do know of their performances consider them remarkable and an inspiring privilege to see them act.

    You get to decide what is success and failure depending on what you want. Perhaps the more important question to ask is: why is it you want what you want? I don't mean why is that you like/desire acting.

    There are so many actors in Hollywood that have made no difference in the film industry, in the performing arts history, or even as people who happen to be actors.

    There are many ways to explore your predicament in my assessment and opinion. :)


    1. I need to find a writing partner that creates what I can't imagine. Yes,it's ironic, but I can't write screenplays. Not so passionate when it comes to writing fiction. I want to act and reach people in the same manner that reached me as a kid. Whoopi in The Color Purple. That is the dream. lol I want to be a Whoopi. She's not some beloved siren, but she's pretty up there in my professional world so it's not that I'm looking for fame and fortune. I'm looking to make a living doing exactly what I love.

      My problem right now--I'm walking around in complete darkness. I have NO idea how the business works. I have no idea who I should be looking to find. I got an agent because I was told that's what you do. I go to auditions and classes for the same reason. So until I know what to reject and what not to I don't feel like I can move anywhere and it's driving me bonkers.

    2. sounds like you know exactly what to do: "So until I know what to reject and what not to I don't feel like I can move anywhere" : )


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