My mom sent me an email this morning that came at just the right time...hit just the right nerve.
I flew to Jersey last Thursday to run a race with the Fit Bottomed Girls and had THE suckiest race of my life lol...I'll get more into that lovely ordeal on FBGs site, but let's just say it wasn't my prettiest day or moment. I felt like such a frickin failure at the end of that race...six miles broke me. I ran a marathon and six miles broke me. I just kept thinking, "I'm not good at this athlete stuff...health issues or not I'm not a good runner."
THEN there's this other underlying issue of friends loving friends for how successful they are. There's this situation I have where a friend was all up my butt when I first moved to LA because I was going after my dream and actually booking work...I looked promising and hopeful. She was so proud and was all up in my ish. Then the auditions started slacking...and my shine wore off and I started noticing how she was focusing on a new prodigy who was doing the damn thing. Moving up through glamorous circles and excelling EVERY.DAMN.DAY at being fabulous. So I see this pride and energy and my insecurities set in. Yeah, I know I shouldn't focus on friends who only dig me if my job is cool, and trust me it's not like I'd suddenly feel fulfilled and happy if I won the Oscar and said friend was up my butt again. When push comes to shove, I just feel bad that my acting career isn't going anywhere. That I'm not shiny and useful...
...Then there's my full time job. Out of a small group of folks, I'm the lowest position...the one who's monitored and so forth. It's a bit embarrassing. I realize this isn't my dream job...it pays the bills and keeps me afloat until the moment the acting thing happens, but I'm still a perfectionist at heart. So my ego just keeps getting pounded from all directions.
Physically and mentally broke; I needed that post from my mom. I'm not your typical every Sunday church chick, but I'm open to any and all spiritual pick-me-ups. I have to replace the bad thoughts with the good:
- I may not be a fast ass runner, but I finish. I do.
- I may not have moved up the ladder of my acting dreams just yet, but I'm out here trying and I know I have the chops to do this damn thing.
- I have a job that keeps food on my table.
This week I'm going to focus on the art of replacement and see where it takes me. Tishy needs some peace of heart and I'm pretty sure this will be the key to unlocking that flow! I hope so anyways...because feeling like I've been feeling lately is for the birds!