The Culprit Behind My Insomnia

So the other night I couldn't sleep. I sat there, staring at the ceiling, wondering where I fit in the whole dream thing...if I'd ever make I'd make it.

There are all of these things my agent and folks think I should do...magic pills I should swallow in order to find the dream, but I'm just drowning in suggestions. I got up finally at 1:30 in the morning and watched some more episodes of Felicity until finally my lavender oil kicked in and made me drowsy.

The next day I was still feeling down and out and then I got another audition. Yes, I got an audition and this time I didn't blast it all over the internet. I didn't tell anyone because I have no idea how these things work. The hope and giddiness that came with the first couple is now gone.

Now I'm just scared shatless that it may not happen for me. I went to the audition yesterday and sat on a bunch with a row of beautiful women...some even models I've seen before. Long legs, no cellulite, perfect women...and my heart sank even deeper into my chest.

I listened my little heart out to the directions for that commercial. I did everything the way the man behind the camera wanted me to without having to take multiple takes, which was good, (go me for following directions!) but I know with all of those women I have a fat chance in hell of getting that darn thing.

I really do hope that some day I get to be the lucky one who books the commercial. I don't know what magic it takes, but I want it so bad.

I came home afterwards and gorged on salad. (Total emotional eating. Glad I didn't have any ice cream laying around.)

Tossing and turning in Los Angeles...

This picture was hanging outside of the casting door. If that's not intimidation I don't know what is!


  1. I have those feelings a lot, too, wondering if I have what it takes to "make it." You're doing it, though. Remember how you said that auditioning (and plenty rejection) is part of the process? No one can cast you from your couch, so you're out there giving it all you've got! If you don't believe in yourself, no one else will. Have your bad day, but then look forward to the great ones. Those are crucial! Hugs!


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