I've been beating myself up trying to decide if it was okay or not okay to write a rant. I just don't know if folks who choose not to write deserve unexpected press. Ya know what I mean, Vern?
Then I decided it's less about the person and more about me writing the bad ish out of myself so...
Why Valentines Day Sucked:
I don't like V Day. Never really needed it, understood it, cared for it, blah blah blah. I'd host little spoil events for friends and honor them in different ways...little slumber parties, etc. because it's cute to be sweet and loving to your pals. Still sounds mad cheesy, but whatever.
So anyways, I've told Jersey this. I've never and will never expect gifts, flowers or cards on the day. My dad sends me a valentine and that's all the cuteness I've ever needed. Jersey still gets me stuff anyways but in the past it's been so cute and thoughtful that I've just went along with it. We went and saw one of my favorite artists, Goepele, and when she performed "Closer to My Dreams," I just about wet myself. It's my acting theme song. That small gesture meant the world to me.
I can always get down with sweet and thoughtful. I want to marry sweet and thoughtful! What I don't want to marry is forced and fake. Forced and fake are gifts that are generic to the day...chocolates are a big one. I can't eat chocolate. Chocolate gives me the major toots. I JUST figured out I get the toots because I'm lactose intolerant and it's MILK chocolate. Why did it take me 10+ years to figure that out? Why did J have to knock that piece of aha into my noggin just last weekend? Special I am...
So yeah I got chocolates I can't eat and we went to a concert for someone I don't really dig all that much. I understand that all of it was his sweet attempt to show he cared. I GET THAT PEOPLE! I feel like an honest to goodness brat about complaining about gifts.
This is where my sentimental sap starts oozing out. I'd rather get nothing at all. Getting me something that I clearly don't like or can't have just makes me think he doesn't know beanie squat about me and THAT nugget of knowledge is a lonely, sad feeling that I've now had for three days and I still want to cry.
My friends and family have sassed me saying I'm silly and to get over it. He was attempting to be sweet. I get that. He is a sweet guy. I'm just upset that maybe I'm not as understood as I'd like to think...and that's where the romance comes into play for me. The only thing I've ever wanted out of a mate is to be understood. Someone I can relate to and all that jazz.
So now I'm sitting in my office, looking a hot mess, tearing up and feeling like poop. I made extra sweet black tea and even lit a candle this morning to try to chase away the glum, but nothing's working.
That's why I hated Valentines Day this year...its ripple effect just keeps going and going. I have a sad case of depression and I don't know how to shake myself out of the funk.
Last night I thought maybe I'd eat the chocolates right before bed and then hotbox the hell out of him so his nose would forever remember not to get me chocolates, but the tooting mischievousness faded pretty quick. Now I'm just back to ho hum.
You KNOW it's bad if tooting ish can't cheer me up!