2012: The Year in Review

12.28.2012
2012 is almost over. How did that happen!? Why do I care?! It was a hard one! Why am I asking myself questions and not giving the answers?! 

To be a bit "half full" for a moment, the year wasn't a complete wash. There were some really sweet moments and I'm sitting here chillin under a roof. I have both my legs and arms. I have a job, a dude who's pretty darn awesome sauce and good friends. It's for these perky pollyanna positives that I was able to create this montage. 

Thanks to the goodies. Suck it to the baddies. Onward to whatever the future holds!







Django. The D is Silent.

First he made a film about a woman who had been done dirty. She got revenge. (Kill Bill)

Then he did a film about WWII....some American soldiers got some good revenge on Hitler. (Inglorious Bastards)

Now Quentin Tarantino has Django--a film that deals with slavery and one man's revenge.

Notice a pattern here? I love me some Tarantino films. I'm not one of those clever beasts that can break it down...I know next to nothing about his subtexts....what actors and stunt doubles always appear in his films or special shots he always uses, yadda yadda. The films are just entertaining as holy hades, but finally after the third film I get it. He loves giving historical underdogs their fantasy kick ass moment.

Django was funny, difficult, gory, lovely, entertaining and powerful. When I found out Spike Lee refused to see it because he respects his ancestors too much, my butt began to twitch. Does he assume this film is offensive? Does he think you'll leave the theater thinking slavery's not a bad idea at all?  Did he ever read Octavia Butler's Kindred?! She wrote a Sci-Fi book that dealt with slavery....was that offensive as well, good sir? Annoying. Usually I'm down for a good movie critique, but I feel like Mr. Lee is throwing some major jealous salt towards this film. Totally unwarranted (FYI) because the movie is the bomb dot com.

And before anyone gets all cray on me for being confused by Spike Lee's stance I ask you to remember that he backed that dreadfully offensive film that Kevin Willmott did at my Alma mater, KU (Confederate States of America) which was TERRIBLE. I left the theater thinking the audience might just reinstate some good ole slavery. He made it look charming and delightful. Not cool.

If you like Tarantino films, see this. If you want to see a fictional flick about one slave who pulled a Nat Turner and revolted most gloriously then see this film. I personally was proud of Kerry Washington and Jamie Fox...as well as the entire cast for their acting chops. It was no easy task to do what they had to do in some of those scenes...

Have you seen it? Care to share your thoughts? What do you think of Spike Lee's reaction? Warranted or stupid as heck?




For the curious: Here's a good piece on the movie. I was right there with the Cord on this one!



A Walk in the Park

12.27.2012
Someone got a camera...

A camera she named Maxwell (because it's black and sexy.)

Jersey gave me  a homework assignment yesterday: he placed my camera and my beautiful lenses in my hands and told me to start shooting. I have NO clue what I'm doing with Maxwell, but I'm trying my hardest to see...see the light and the shadows...see where to focus. 

People are always complaining that the person who holds the camera misses out...they're somehow too busy...that doesn't bother me one bit. Snapping makes me pause and look around. I stop and snap the roses, dang it! I walked through my neighborhood...watched as people uncomfortably stared wondering if I was paparazzi and where the celebrity was.  

It all works for me. 






Holiday Happiness

12.26.2012
I had a wonderful holiday with Jersey. We skyped with our family, we created new traditions we plan to share hopefully with some future kiddos, planned and executed a good arse meal, and had a good time with friends.

I haven't had a Christmas like that in a long time. Usually once the Christmas sun comes up and the tree lights go off I lose that wonderful luster that's built up over the month. Not this time. As I sit here and right I'm still grinning ear to ear.

The last couple of weeks have been hard and I've been standing under the dark cloud with the umbrella playing a sad song on my tiny violin, but no more! 2013 is going to be different! I've got some lingering holiday joy that's gonna drop kick all the funk. Get ready!


Those new traditions...




The fellas in the kitchen...as they should be

It's a Wonderful Life after all...

Christmas Eve 2012

12.24.2012
It's Christmas Eve, but it sure doesn't feel like it! I'm working because for the first time since I moved out here I will not be spending the holidays with family.

Jersey and I have been saving all of our vacation days up just in case we were chosen for that Knot contest. We found out on Friday we will not be one of the couples you can vote for, though so all this work while everyone else is off roasting chestnuts sucks balls.

This is how it went down...

Jersey came home sicker than a dog so I put him to bed, got him boxes of tissues, Lysol, cold meds and juice and then started cleaning and disinfecting the house. I paused for a bit to check my email and that's when I found it...the email from the Knot folks stating they had gotten submissions from hundreds of couples and we just weren't sweet or tragic enough to make the cut.

I just plopped onto a chair and sighed. I texted my mom and facebooked the world and that's when it happened. People kept saying weddings are no big thing...that eloping is totally fine. Even my mom suggested we should hit up the courthouse and my heart broke into a million little pieces when I realized that my dream wedding was every one else's nightmare.

People kept telling me weddings are no big thing...that they're just a waste of money, yet EVERY married couple I know has had a beautiful one that they loved. Weddings are there for a reason. It's a day where you get to celebrate and have fun...a day out of the ordinary. I hear no every day, all day. I've heard no my whole life dang it so for once I just wanted to have a girly moment...a day where we get to walk into a party as husband and wife for the first time and shake our bums into the night. I'm sick of feeling stupid for wanting that.

I've had the whole weekend to cry and come to terms with reality. We will more than likely be cancelling the wedding idea and just going for a courthouse trip. No white dress, no first dance, no friends and family there to witness the happy occasion. This is not a fun realization being that today is Christmas Eve.

2012...you were a very hard year and I am not sad to see you go.

A Glitch in My Gifting!

12.21.2012
I'm having THE hardest time with gift ideas this year. I don't know if it's all the allergy meds or wedding ish or what, but I've just been off my gifting game. (Enough to make me arse twitch!!!)

I usually rock at gift whispering, but this year I've relied heavily on lists and STILL haven't rocked that ish completely. Is anyone else having this issue? Am I the only person on the planet who wasn't aware Christmas Eve is on Monday?!

Where did this year go!? I still have a couple days left, but I can tell you right now I failed miserably at Christmas cards this year. I just didn't have the time or mullah to fart out funny ish like I did in the past. No newsletters...I told ya, I'm just not batting like I should be.

I'm the person who has to watch everyone else open their gifts up on Christmas day. I like seeing shock and awe mixed with joy. It's the bee's knees! I need to get my act together...for real!

Mission Christmas Joy! Let's get it together, Tishy!!!!



Dolly dog don't care! Dolly dog don't give a shat!

An Actor's Confession

12.20.2012
I wonder how poor gals make it in this biz...

Today I have an audition that requires me to wear a business suit. Business suits are expensive man! The last time I bought one was right after college for job interviews. I wore that suit a couple of years ago for my time on the Young and the Restless and had to listen as the makeup guy snarked at me that the next time I came back I'd have to step into some clothes that weren't so old and outdated.

I cried so hard after I left that man's presence. Snotty punk totally got to me. That suit was $300 which was crazy, ridiculously expensive and is BTW classic...it's moments like that which remind me of how ugly the world of fashion can be...probably one of the reasons I refuse to make it a priority or important.

So yeah...tomorrow I'm wearing THAT suit and I've gained weight so it doesn't fit as great as it once did and I'm nervous that I'll relive the judgement...It's gonna be one of those days where I have to put my pride aside and just go for it.

These girls who have all the money in the world to shop for cute outfits to help them shine a bit brighter in the auditions...they're lucky gals. For the rest of us...well I'm hoping I make the clothes...and that the clothes don't flunk me.

If it's not acne or fever blisters or invisible agents it's something like this. Tiny and silly things, but there are sooo many of them. You have to really REALLY want this life...


***UPDATE!!!

J totally just burned any negative thoughts associated with that suit. She suggested I think of it as my "super suit"...Anyone who has watched The Incredibles knows just how hilarious and perfect that is. So in about an hour I shall yell, "Honey!!! Where is my super suit?" and all will be awesome and light in the world. Don't you just love friends with great imaginations?

Snap magazine

12.19.2012





There's this super cool online magazine called Snap Magazine that I gawk at on Stella the iPad. Every picture is shot using an iPhone app called Hipstamatic.

I'm a Hipstamatic junkie who was just introduced to the crackfields and told I could go buck buck. Life is sweet. If you have an iPhone or iPad I would check this out. 

It's cool with an extra side of eyegasmic delight.

Nerves of Mush

12.18.2012
Monday early morning, (4am to be exact) I woke up excited like it was Christmas day. I couldn't go back to sleep for nothing! I knew it could possibly be the day the Knot could call and say we were one of the top four couples chosen for the Knot Dream Wedding Contest.

So I tossed and turned, then would roll over and smile/stare at Jersey creepily, then I'd toss and turn some more...repeat. I wasn't tired that day, either. I was hyped up on some major nervous anticipation. I probably checked my phone at least once per minute. Not even bullshatting you...I was glued to that darn Poppins...making sure I didn't have missed calls or emails...

My lovely friends were so cute, too. Everyone's just as nervous as we are! I received text after text asking if we had heard anything. This gift would stretch out to soooo many people. My parents (of course) but also two in my wedding party have never been to New York. They'd see The Big Apple in all its winter glory. I'd be able to fly 18 of my loved ones to the city...people who wouldn't have financially been able to afford the trip to LA. The wedding would stream live...every person we know, but couldn't invite would get to participate. The Knot has no idea what dream they've unleashed in me! I want it so bad I can taste it!

That dream wedding tastes like fun, wonder, financial peace, some luuuuv and a dash of kiwi. PLEASE send good thoughts our way. This would mean so much for me and the mistah.

I'll keep you all posted and thank you from the bottom of my wigged out heart for supporting us thus far!

MISH!!!



Movie Nights

12.17.2012
Ruby Sparks
An indie flick on a Friday night. Yes please!
I truly believed this movie would be a total waste of time. It didn't pluck at my heart strings when it was in the theaters, but it was soooo good. The writing was clever. The acting was nice and sweet and believable...which is hard to do when you're building a story like this one.

Basic premise: boy is genius writer. begins new novel. creates a gal named ruby. ruby is written into existence.

Is it a dream? Is she a figment of his lovely imagination? You won't know unless you peep it out. I recommend it. Copped it on redbox. Best buck I've spent in a loooong time.

PLUS, Zoe Kazan wrote the screenplay (she plays Ruby.) I loved this movie even more when I found out it was written by a woman...love that she played Ruby and had her boyfriend play the main fellow. Keep it in the family yooooo!




Rise of the Guardians
Not an indie flick.
Jersey and I took his mom to see this one. (Yes, it was totally my idea.) I love children's movies. I can't help myself...I love feeding my imagination and wonder. The movie lived up to my hype, too. It wasn't cheesy, kiddy, but it wasn't inappropriately adultish, either. (Yes, I made that word up.)

It had some really sweet and poignant lessons that tugged at my heart quite a few times. I was prepared for that going in. This spiritual love guru bloke I follow on twitter was all verklempt over the movie so I knew it was a sentimental one, but I wasn't expecting such emotional sweetness.

Loved the characters, the story, the animation (Jack Frost is hot. Yeah...cartoon dudes are totally crush-worthy) and most of all the message.

I'm two for two so far and I expect it to only get better!



Dance!

12.12.2012

A couple of weekends ago Jersey made me go to a park with him and do some workouts for his site...

I woke up this morning and headed to the kitchen; walked in and he was looking at me with a weird grin. He said he needed to show me something and then started murmuring about how dorky I was. I was scared. I had no idea what I had done...what he had caught me on tape doing, but then the video above came up and we both started laughing our butts off. Oh yeah...I DID do that.

What can I say. I have a song in my heart that needed to bust out.

So This is Love

12.11.2012
This morning I wasn't feeling too hot so I ate breakfast and then went back upstairs to bed. Jersey was snuggled up watching sports and when he saw me he lifted his arm to indicate I could cuddle on up beside him which I did...and then I promptly fell sleep.

A long time ago I wrote a post about how this man smells like sunshine. Like he was hung outside to dry each day and the sun kissed him with her scent. That darn smell has the ability to make my eyes roll back in my head. Before I knew it I was out and he was up kissing me on the forehead telling me to feel better.

We've both been super nervous, anxious, hopeful, crazed about this Knot Dream Wedding Contest. We just want it so bad. We had to tell the editor who called stories about why we love each other so much...I have no earthly idea how to summarize all of the tiny wonderful instances that have led me to wake up each morning saying, "thank you thank you thank you for this man!" but I pray that they caught an inkling of that gratitude from the conversation we had.

I love that sunshine-smelling dude! Love him so much I didn't pop him in the throat this morning when he screamed at my face because I woke up with fever blisters. THAT, my friends, is Luuuuuuv!







My First National Commercial

12.10.2012
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be." ~Shel Silverstein 


Getting ready for my closeups


We got to shoot a couple of stills, separate from the main commercial. I had a camera in my grill  and loved every dang moment of it!



It happened. After seven years in LA, I booked a commercial. 

The morning of I had this crazy dream. I was watching as this woman was going through the rounds of a modeling competition. She was walking the runway, dressing in next to nothing and strutting her stuff. Then the owner of this prestigious modeling agency (who sat in the front row) spoke and said that only one of the women had been chosen to join the agency...and that person was LaTisha Merritt...me. The girl in the dream was me and I had done it. I remember thinking it was dope that I had given my full name. Then my alarm went off.

I woke up and immediately knew it was THE day. I bounced out of bed right to the bathroom...a place I would visit three times before leaving that morning. I was so nervous. The same kind of crazy nervous I used to get before an acting competition or play...It had been so long since I had felt that particular kind of butterfly and I so I freaked. I wondered if it was normal to experience such discomfort for a dream. I worked through that mess, though and arriving at the spot with five minutes to spare. And then the magic kicked in. A van picked me up to take me to the makeup trailer. I could hear people on walkie talkies confirming I was en route...saying my name. I got to step into a real deal Hollywood trailer and sit in a makeup chair while the assistant director gave me the lay of the land. 

It was surreal. The nerves were gone. I was happy. I was home.

It was a long day. I was exhausted driving home, but it was so worth it. The commercial will air on Fox networks and CNN around the end of January (or so I've heard from one of the parents who was on set.) I'll probably geek out when I see it. I'm so proud of myself for sticking it out. I followed my bliss through the bad and came out feeling the kind of joy I've dreamed of for many, many moons.

The Competition!

12.06.2012

Ahhh! One of our friends in New York texted Jersey and told him he had just seen us on the news so of course I had to get on the phone with J (the woman of honor) and start hunting down the video. She's been helping so much with all of this. She tweets the ish out of it and gets giddy with me every morning via email. Friends...gotta love 'em... 

As for the video: Found it. Watched it. Done!

I'm not gonna lie. I'm a bit intimidated by this couple they featured, but I also know that Jersey and I are a good arse couple with a set of our very own financial burdens so I still think we have a good chance. 

I'll be wishing and praying and hoping that we are chosen as one of the four couples that the world at large can vote on come January 7th. I'm going to reach out to as many people as I can and ask them to help us out. That includes you...my lovely kiwi readers! This dream would be a dream of all dreams for a Pisces gal and her groom-to-be!

The Knot Called!!!

12.05.2012
Ahhhh!

So someone from The Knot just called Jersey and I individually and asked us to gab a bit more about our relationship...how we met...what we love about each other. I'm not gonna lie; I got choked up more than once. No, Aunt Flow hasn't called; I just really get emotional when I think about how great he is.

So here's the deal. The editors from the contest will all get together and decide who they want as their top four contestants. Then it's up to the public at large to vote and decide who deserves the dream wedding.

(Hint: We deserve to win!!!)

I love how excited our friends and family are for this! It's addicting and inspiring and touching to boot! I hope we get this! It just feels right!!!

Living My Dream

12.04.2012
Today has been so fun!

I took the day off to shoot a fun workout segment with Angela Parker (this totally awesome trainer I started stalking after watching Chelsea Settles on MTV.)

Now that I've successfully gotten my fitness on, I'm now getting ready to head on over to my first official commercial fitting for my first official acting gig.

Oh yeah! Pelvic thrusts! Life is good!

I know life is filled with ups and downs so it's best to appreciate the good when they're around. I'm grateful as a mother trucker for the blessings that are right here, right now. Happiness is shooting out of me!




Get ready...

The Knot Dream Wedding Contest

12.03.2012




Directions for my dear friends...


  1. Click on the link above.
  2. Leave a comment on our page stating why you think we deserve to win.
  3. Let me hug you the next time I see you.

I'm so crazed with happiness right now! Back when Jersey and I first started planning we said to ourselves, "We really need to find a wedding contest." I don't know why that popped into our heads, but it did and then three different people sent us this wedding contest to enter. We knew it had to be a sign.

We filmed this video the night I found out I didn't get the commercial (that same commercial I ended up getting after all...) and it totally cheered me up. Reminded me why I'm marrying this man. He's up for anything and totally carefree in the way you want your person to be.

If we win this contest you all will get the chance to see our wedding on a live feed. Pretty cool, eh? Plus Jersey would be marrying in his neck of the woods. He always said he was fine with marrying in LA, but after seeing how excited this possibility made him I know now that was his dream.

I'm feeling mighty loved y'all! (And also excited to boot!)

The MIL








Santa Monica after a grey, cool weekend. 

Jersey's mama came to visit this weekend. We took her to the Grove, introduced her to Sprinkles cupcakes, walked the 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica; basically showing her all of the things we love about Los Angeles...well all the things you can show someone in three days. (It was her first time visiting us!)

This whole mother-in-law thing is so weird for me. I swear I feel like a 14 year old most days. The idea of being engaged...having a mother-in-law, well it makes me giggle...like any minute I'll wake up and my mom will be calling me for dinner and telling me finish my homework. 

I'm frickin grown, though. Definitely engaged with a mama-to-be upstairs in our guest room. Lucky for me, she makes this whole transition pretty easy. 

She knows that I'm a big slice of goofy and she's okay with that. I had a blast with her this weekend. We had a chance to talk and be girly. We laughed and sang Christmas songs in the car together.

I think I scored with this guy and his family. Thank goodness!


Dear Ombudsman

11.30.2012

Psych! Just kidding! I DID get the commercial!

My agent told me I would find out if I was the chosen one yesterday so when yesterday night rolled around and I knew my agent had left for the day I kicked proverbial cans for the rest of the night. I was not pretty. Promise.

Then I wake up today, go out to lunch with Jersey and my lovely mama-in-law to be and POOF! The agent calls, I've got the job and the details for the shoot!

ARE.YOU.KIDDING.ME?!

I called J and we celebrated in the most mild-mannered way. lol...that's what you do once you've been put through the wringer of all wringers!

Future actors of America...THIS is the glory you can look forward to. Prepare your nerves!

And Then He Taketh Away

Yesterday was grey and cold...my inner funk was working some serious projections on the drizzle-tastic world I was moping around in. You see, that beautiful first commercial booking that I was oh-so-happy to land was a figment of my sad little imagination.

Apparently my agent forgot to mention one tiny detail...that I was not in fact booked but rather marked as "available" meaning I was someone's stand in if they didn't want to do it...yeah...so that is not as promising. I sat at home the night I found out and cried and cried and cried. Who gets a job and then doesn't get the job?! Who does that happen to!? Honestly!

So back to that cold and drizzly yesterday...

I had to walk out in the drizzle and grab the mail. One stupid letter in that whole big mailbox...one stinkin letter from my Alma mater...one cruel question stamped on the front... "Where has KU Taken you?"

I have never hated junk mail so much.

Wellllp, dearest KU, I haven't gone far. I've managed to pursue my interest for seven + years only to land up on my living room couch sobbing on a damn pillow. No first acting job...no breakthrough moment where I find that perseverance and letting go means something.  I'm right back where I was...

Jersey did a bang up job of cheering me up the night I found out. We got Chipotle...I drowned my sorrows in a barbacoa burrito and woke up over the whole crying bit. Now I'm just confused, numb and snarky to boot. Rejection sucks, but rejection KILLS when it starts out as a success and then pulls a fast one on ya.

Letting Go, Accepting Flow

11.28.2012
Hippity Dippity, I am.

(said Yoda)

Something happened to me the week I wrote the post "Broken." I just threw my hands up in the air and let go. I found clarity in giving up. I know what I want...now I just have to give it up and hope for the best...let the Universe work its magic. Being the control freak that I am; this has been hard.

It's a lot easier on my stress levels, though! I have no control and so it's easier to get through the days. The auditions are starting to come in more regularly. It's commercial season.

I'm trying to soak this all in..and I'm wishing, hoping, praying that this is just the beginning.

When You're Relevent

11.27.2012
OUCH!

I just received an honest, yet bitterly tragic response about the book I'm trying to publish. I submitted the work to an agent and while he dug my writing style he basically admitted that no one will buy into this memoir of a tale unless I'm someone and obviously I'm not right now.

How humbling to hear...when you make it then we'll listen. When you make it then we'll read. When you make it then we'll pay attention. And folks wonder why actors are closed off and "snooty" to strangers. After years of being ignored because you're not getting 500,000 hits on your blog a day or working on a Spielberg set I'd give the world a long skinny middle finger salute, too!

The book is being put to rest. Maybe some day it'll be my turn to make it and I'll feel like taking someone up on their offer, but I doubt it. There's just something whack about accepting conditional attention, don't you think? I'm much too bitter of a woman to throw caution to the wind and pimp.

Sad, I've been wanting to write a book since I was in high school. J and I said we'd co-write a book called Kiwi Power.  I always kept that book idea in the back of my mind. Years before blogging and memoirs from nobody's were around...I guess sometimes you have to let the dream go.

Poop.

Instagram | On the Interwebs



I'm late to the game. Have you all noticed that Instagram is on the net now? Groovy, ain't it? I could watch it flip pictures ALL.DAY.LONG.

I'm obsessed with this silly sight...although I am trying to quit it, Brokeback Mountain-style. Just read an article in Newsweek concerning social media and what it's doing to friendships around the world. (It ain't making 'em better folks.) So while I love all the pretty new bells and whistles I'm also slowly tiptoeing backwards away from the traps and internet trolls. 

Funny what some good old-fashioned meditation and perspective will do...






It's Time!!!

11.26.2012

Jersey and I spent yesterday in total Christmas mode. We went tree picking, trimmed the tree, hung the stockings and jammed to Christmas tunes like rock stars. 

All in all, I'd say it was a pretty perfect day. We had our first Thanksgiving at home (we always travel to either Middle Earth or the East Coast to be with our fam bams) and now we'll have our first Christmas as well. We're starting those traditions and making them count.



Well Versed in Humility

11.21.2012
This morning I sat down at my computer and began to work...just like every other day.
Made my smoothie, threw my hair up in a bun, wiped the sleepy from my eyes and exhaled out the morning funk.

I mentioned in my last post that I had hit a bottom. Not sure if it was rock bottom, but it was pretty damn close. I'm an extreme dreamer. At four I had so much conviction that my life would be in film. I felt it in my bones. Then last week happened and for the first time in my life I wondered if the younger starry-eyed me had landed in some cruel joke of a reality--a reality that had nothing at all to do with film and I bawled. Ooooh, I cried and cried and I moped and stopped believing in miracles and fortunate circumstances.

Lucky for me J is a serious hippity dippity spiritual junkie. She talked, listened and advised me to keep on reading emails like The Daily Love and watching vlogs like GabbyTV. I also kept up the meditation challenge that she suggested. Each evening I'd sit and meditate and try to find answers to all the pain and confusion.

The outcome: I let it all go. I let the counting signs go...the superstitions...the mind bullying  all of it. I decided that none of that matters...I have no wonky weird control over when I'll make it. The universe is gonna do what it wants to do and I HAVE to start accepting its schedule instead of my own. Hard, but giving it all up and admitting that I've done enough and now it's just time to live life and see what happens was the final outcome.

...So I exhaled the morning funk out and my phone rang. I couldn't pick up because I was on a call, but the minute it went to voice mail I muted my phone and listened to the message. My agent was calling to tell me I had booked my very first commercial job. SEVEN YEARS...I put down the phone and immediately began to bawl. It's such a weird feeling...the idea of releasing control and being okay with  a "Que Sera" mentality is HAWD...but I'll be darned if the Universe wasn't giving me a little smart ass hint that I was FINALLY getting what I'm supposed to do.

I'm humbled and confused and happy and crack-headish. I'm thankful that this time I was able to see a beautiful light come out of all that darkness. I know firsthand just how abnormal and random that is (seven years, y'all!)

I am thankful. I am learning. I am an actress.

bRoKeN

11.18.2012
My faith in me and my life broke last week. 

As soon as it happened I knew it wasn't a fleeting mood. I knew the light that has always pushed me forward...the one that has always allowed me to believe I had something big to do in this world went out. I haven't cried this much in a long time. 

I've spent this weekend breaking down how this all came about. A huge part of it was the epic acting breakdowns that happened over last week's hellacious days. I got three auditions that were all terribly wrong for me. I was a seat filler...there to make the casting directors feel like they got their quota but I knew and they knew I was nowhere near what they needed: wasted gas, wasted time and wasted energy...

I get that commercial work is all about silly details I can't change. I'm not White or Asian. I'm too tall...these are things that I get and don't affect my heart. I don't cry over not being this or that. I am what I am. I do get upset, though when I see that the right parts never come. I'm not even put in those rooms. It's as if they don't exist and it's that realization that I start to cry. 

The actual business of acting hasn't broken me...it's that I haven't even been given a chance that has broken my spirit. My whole life has been about this dream. I knew at a very young age that I had a gift and that some day I'd be great at it...I'd be successful at it. Instead I'm sitting on my couch, watching Super Soul Sunday and shaking my head that nothing they say makes any sense to me. I have $4 to my name and a quiet home. (not a good cocktail)

I was meditating but that stuff only works for people who get what they want. It only works for the successful. If you keep trying and trying at something and never see positive stuff happening then you're insane to keep going. Isn't that what Einstein said? I'm surrounded by success. I see my friends and family experiencing it all the time. Maybe they want to be the best mother they can be...so they are. They want to be a doctor so they find the job. They want to be the best trainer they can be so someone comes knocking on their door asking if they want to start a boot camp company. I mean the magic is ALL AROUND me and I take it that it's God's way of saying you're not meant for this. This success thing isn't for you. You don't get to have what you want.

When I see someone's light (aka potential) I help them. I help them get what they want and it's awesome for them, but I'm growing bitter because no one sees mine. Maybe it's because I surround myself around the successful who don't need help (famous quote: when we need help, we should help) I'm not sure, but my spirit is dim. My faith in persistence has crashed and burned and I'm deaf to the Positive Pollyanna that usually keeps me going. 

I don't want to write for awhile. I don't want to do much of anything except figure out how to get out of this intact so yeah, if you (my three readers) don't hear from me it's just because I've lost that 'thing' that has always made writing possible...

My dreams, faith, happiness and optimism are on hiatus. There isn't a lick of luv or kiwi power in this girl. 


Tie The Knot

11.16.2012

If Jersey and I can make the wedding groovy and cool we will. He's really into bow ties lately (Can you say soul mate?!) so he's decided he wants to rock one for the big day and would like for other blokes who come to rock them as well. 

Fast forward to a month or so after he made this fashion choice. I randomly stumbled upon Jesse Tyler Ferguson's labor of love, Tie The Knot. Proceeds go to equality, which works for us. 

Love begets love, yo. 

Sprinkles ATM








I finally became a true LA girl. Dara has been wanting to hit up the Sprinkles ATM for months and we finally got our ish together and made the trek down to Beverly Hills. 

It's cool...but I almost slapped a chick for getting 12 darn cupcakes out of it. You have to do one cupcake at a time and it takes FOR.EV.VER. You go to the cupcake ATM for your sweet fix...not for your company's snack day.

I got strawberry for me and pumpkin for Jersey. Dara went with the chocolate coconut. Good choices all around. 


Irene Diaz | A Songstress After My Heart

11.15.2012
To help fund her EP click {here}

I am in love with this woman's voice.  It's been a long time since an artist has moved me. Amy Whinehouse, Selah Sue...and now Irene Diaz.

Revolutionary Petunia, Crushed


I call it Revolutionary Petunia, Crushed.

I love to finger paint. Jersey will walk into the room and I'll be sitting there with my Crayola Crayon finger paints going to town. I'm trying my hardest to make my house a home. (Queue Luther Vandross!)  I need color and walls with ish on them. I need stories to drip off the ceilings, walls and book shelves. 

This is my start. 



Acting | Ask and You Shall Sort of Get

11.14.2012

This is me. This is me stressed out of my frickin mind. This is my second audition for the day. I woke up wee early, went into my full-time job's office building to have a meeting with my boss and found out I had not one, but TWO auditions and I needed to leave three minutes ago. I handled my business and got to both auditions. 

Yeah, I may have missed the memos for dress code. I didn't have a "cop" outfit and I wasn't casual/conservative enough for the other, but I made it, damn it...And it was stressful, and tiring and hella heartbreaking. 

Yes, I want to act more than anything, but this period of the dream...zooming and zigzagging through the streets of LA, running to this dead end to that, sitting beside creepy smart kids and women who are allergic to food and happiness...well it's a hot mess. It makes ME a hot mess. 

I recently started doing meditations with Jersey before bed. (J hipped me to a really great challenge.) The night before the day of auditions we focused on this centering thought, "Today, I embrace my potential to be, do, and have whatever I can dream."

This meditation thing is powerful! Don't you think? So now I have to figure out how to be grateful for the crazy...while at the same time better defining what exactly it is I was wishing for. I'm allowed to focus and edit my dream! I'm ready for film work and parts that make my heart soar. I'm ready for the excitement and the fun. I'm also ready for a nap. 

After my agent chewed me a new one the other night I wrote my mentor. As always she was able to talk me off the proverbial ledge. I'm sharing her words because I think anyone could relate to what she's saying. All of my hurt melted after reading her words. This is hard and I believe with all my heart I wouldn't have made it in LA without people like my mentor...that doesn't make me any less worthy of my dream. It doesn't mean I should quit. Just means I'm a stubborn arse; strong-willed woman. And maybe a bit crazy with a side of sensitive.

Dearest Tish,

I am so sorry you are feeling sad.  But please be gentle with yourself.  I know it sounds trite but things truly do happen for a reason.

Remember when you were little, and you wanted to play with someone but they didn't want to play with you?  You were too young, or they were doing something else, or whatever.  
It made you feel bad until a baby squirrel or a puppy or some other wonder said, Hi.  And now we don't even remember that person's name.  This too will pass.  You will be successful but in your own time.  
There is no right or wrong way to get to a destination as long as you are traveling toward it.

Remember the times when we have finished a scene and we feel like shit.  Sometimes its simply because we were performing a piece in which our character felt shitty.
So please ask yourself, "Whose thoughts are these?"  I just got home from an amazing meditation, which i do with a group but I felt bad when only seconds before I was in bliss.
When i asked myself whose thoughts are these, my soul answered the facilitator of the class.  She was feeling like she wasn't appreciated.  Your agent is feeling like she is not appreciated and so you feel like a fuck up because she doesn't feel appreciated.

You were simply taking care of you in that moment.  LA can't handle the truth.  If you told her you were bleeding like a castrated bull ,or you had just experienced a rape she would have been happy to cover for you with the casting director:)
What she needs to know is that you feel like an actor more than anything else in your life.  She'll get over it.  Make her cookies or something:)  Also would she have scheduled the audition later so you could have left work early thus honoring both? 
It was another possibility or would she still have needed power and said the same thing.  Who knows.

You were honest, Tish and that will be rewarded.  Maybe not right now but in your soul it will grow and nurture everything you do in the future.  You are an actor, a very good actor.
You are unique in a town that can't tell a woman unless she showing cleavage.  Unfortunately that is, what it is, but do you give up or do you show them something they have never seen before.  You are unique Tish, you will never be a sassy sistah or a ditzy blond or a stiletto wearing femme fatal you are an Ann Hathaway or a Sandra Bullock or TISH MERRITT!

There are solar flares and Mercury retrograde and a Solar eclipse tomorrow and the planet is trying to give birth to herself right now so progress is not very likely for anyone.  The best thing to do is read a good book, make love and visualize how you see your life playing out.  And please don't be a tight wad with your dreams.  Dream bigger! Whatever you create is what it will be.

I know you hurt and are looking at all the things you did wrong today, but please look at all the things you did right for your soul.

I am up right now if you wish to talk.

With love and respect and so much faith in you,

(Mentor)


When It's Hard

11.13.2012
When the dream is hard, it's HARD. Forget about the no's and the judgmental looks...the sideways stares and the sleazy casting directors...When your agent calls you up and chews you a new one for not being able to make an audition you just want to curl up in a ball and die the big die.

Here's the deal. I want to act more than anything else in the world so when someone scolds me like a punk for having to say no to an audition (that I would never say no to unless I had a really damn good reason for turning down) I just want to pop them in the throat.

It's been a hard couple of months. I've had two auditions. That's it. No callbacks. No bookings. I've been out here for seven years and I can't remember the last year I worked. I feel like a joke. I see people accomplishing their goals and getting the dreams they want all the time. I don't know if I'm supposed to take this as a hint to give up.

When does a smart girl throw in the towel? I wrote my acting coach/mentor and asked that. I'm losing that spark that's necessary out here...hitting that moment when a super duper dreamer starts to see things more clearly. Shocks of reality suck balls.

Private Eyes

11.12.2012
I went to Trader Joe's the other day and moved through the store like a floating ghost...Usually I get super duper hung up on being "seen"...observed and acknowledged, but for once I was content in my anonymity. I just wanted my blueberries and pomegranate seeds.

When I got back into my car the song, "Private Eyes" (a cover by the Bird and the Bee) was playing and I snort giggled.

I love ironic moments.

Even more funny: I spent the rest of the weekend standing out like a sore thumb. I got a facial peel that jacked up my face. Kids, always remember to ask your dermatologist if the creams she or he prescribes have side effects. I've been told I won't scar, but I'm feeling some serious Samantha from Sex and the City chemical peel vibes. Vitamin E, aloe vera and some humble frickin pie.





The Hipster Version of a Quilting Bee

11.09.2012
Last night I did something I NEVER do. I went to an event alone...without Jersey or friend...and sat at a table with complete strangers AND actually spoke to them even though I felt like the lone, weird chocolate chip in a very girly, blog-licious ocean of JCrew bling milk.

I stalk (a tiny bit) this quirky blogger, Bri from DesignLoveFest. I dig her fashion sensibilities, her gangster-like approach to design. She's a cool hunter...a taste maker...you get the drift. Well, Miss Bri held a little DIY party last night at the Anthropologie store in Santa Monica. I reserved a spot for me and a bud, but I couldn't get a soul to go with so I went alone.

I know it may seem like I'm a social pimp, but I hate being alone in large crowds. Freaks me the heck out so I was pretty impressed with myself. (In all honesty, I just really needed to get out of my rut of a routine and do something fun and creative.) So I went and had a blast making Christmas ornaments out of yarn. Think I may have found my domestic calling. If you need yarn balls, I'm your gal.



Best frickin frack donuts

Finished masterpieces. Bri + Me

My favorite yarn ball...looks a bit like something out of a Dr Seuss book, no?


Luv & Kiwi is Going Boom

11.08.2012


Jersey said the words every girl in love wants to hear, "My family is coming to visit. Let's get on that decorating thing."

Oh how I love that man. He's killed most of my decorating endeavors since we've moved into this place. There's always something else that takes precedence but now we've got good reason to spruce. 

I'm not expecting HGTV magic, but I am excited to think maybe, just maybe I could finally finish the living room. . I've always believed your home pieces should tell stories so I'm comfortable with building a home piece by piece. 

I fell in love with Dooce's "Boom Boom Room" as I like to call it. Each piece dazzled my curiosities  I want my home to be an aesthetically eyegasmic novel of ooohs and ahhhs. Putting on my pizazz hat and getting ready to produce a miracle: I want to find affordable, plentiful pieces! Fingers and toes crossed...



There's something sweet about a wreath named "cottage berry"
Frida
The Westport dresser
Fake fun
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