I'm Scared

9.09.2011
If you were to ask me what emotion plagues me most lately...I'd answer with fear.

Things are changing while other things are staying too much of the same. Jersey and I are moving and while the new place is beautiful, it's also HUGE. So huge that I was terrified being there alone yesterday. I popped over to unpack glasses...other odds and ends and out came all the noises and places I've marked as "No-Go-Zones".  Like my writing nook for instance...I don't mosey down on the first floor when no one's home. Nope. Too dark.

I don't do stairs without the light on. I don't like being upstairs either. It's hella empty so everything echoes and my ears just LOVE to play tricks on me.

Besides that little nuisance, I'm just all around scared about life in general. There's the whole idea of being a good person. Yesterday I was talking to someone who is friends with my ex-friend. She mentioned said ex-friend so I responded back with, "I'm praying for her tonight."

The person who I was telling this to wrote "lol, okay now. let's be nice," and I scratched my head. I was indeed being serious.

My pal Gina, who I love dearly, knew my heart wasn't in the right place so she gave me a prayer I'm supposed to say to the person making my heart hurt (ex-friend) and then to myself. It's a beautiful little prayer filled with good intentions...

So you can understand why my bottom lip popped out and my 'tude growled. I'm not down with people looking for my worst. Encouraging my worst...believing in my worst. I'm scared that I'm encouraging my worst, too. Do you ever feel that way? You get so caught up in the ugly you don't even recognize yourself?

Yuck.

I'm also terrified that I'll never finish my book...and that my acting career is never gonna begin...and that me being an ugly person is what will land me in Punishment Ville.

Fear leads to some bad ish...but what if you fear fear? Does that cancel out the bad? Can this fear of fear help me change for the better?

Let's hope.

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