Painful Pause

7.29.2011
Therapy looks so much cooler on TV...

...This has been THE hardest week of my life.

This is the story of how tiny little hiccups all came together to bring me down to my knees.

The shortest explanation I can muster: Got a sinus infection. Doctors didn't believe me. Vertigo set in. Trying to fight the infection sans antibiotics led to body breakdown. Was taking meds at the wrong time...that combined with crazy fatigue led to night terrors four days in a row. Don't know if you've ever experienced a night terror, but they are terrifying. I'd wake up multiple times a night screaming for Jersey, convulsing and crying...I spun into deep depression.

I've been so scared and not in my right mind. I have nothing creative in me...I'm a shell of myself trying to heal as best I can. I see the world carrying on and I'm just stuck in my own head...trying to find my way out of the utter fear that's permeating every inch of my body. Trying to get lots of rest...took some time off of work. FINALLY got some antibiotics....

More than anything I'm focusing on the word balance. Our bodies are so delicate...Hiccups. I cried to my doctor yesterday...so scared that this right here is what I can expect for the rest of my life. He seems to think it won't be...I want to believe his words more than anything.

I don't know when the "me" will come back...when words will eagerly spill out of my head and find their way into my quirky little blog. Just gonna rest...and think...and try to be patient...and cherish every damn moment I feel like me. Never take that for granted...

3 comments:

  1. *hugs* times ten, m'dear.

    I'm right there on the scared-I'll-never-really-be-me-again train. Though things were rough before, but I have newly defined levels of physical pain and misery after this week. And I know I will heal, but it's going to take longer than I want.

    You WILL get better. You WILL find a voice again. You WILL rise above all this, because you are an amazing woman. Period.

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  2. Isn't it crazy how physical pains can lead to mental ones? Jeez mon.

    ♥ same goes for you my dear!

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  3. xoxo

    One time when I was a teenager someone told me that we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but that we are spiritual beings having a human experience.

    And sometimes, when the pains and personal trials of this physical world seem too much to bear, I like to remember that I was not made for this world, but that I can, and will get through the best I am able. :) and that is really all that counts.

    xoxo again.

    ReplyDelete

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