I'm sensitive. I don't mean like the type that enjoys long walks on beaches and cries when puppies yelp...it's deeper than that. I"m sensitive to people and their intentions. I get upset when I feel ill will, bare witness to negative intentions, etc. Seeing negative ish makes me retreat into dark places where I can't think. I get anxious and I cry...some times a lot.
Since I was a little girl I've recognized I have a knack for empathizing with others. That's no surprise, but what does surprise people is I'm missing the strength that most empathetic folk have that allows them to sit, listen and avoid absorbing that ish. I get lost in others suffering and pain. And it seems the older I get, the more weight I feel and the harder it is shake the bad stuff off.
Yesterday was a weird day. I hadn't slept so well the night before (even on the west side of LA we're feeling the heat waves) so I arrived at work, fresh in my rawness.
I started trying to pinpoint why I was so overwhelmed...so filled with grief. I had no idea where it was coming from or how to cope with it so I did what every lucky person would do; I wrote my bestie and asked her to help talk me through it all.
She gave me some awesome meditating advice and validated that I'm not indeed crazy. Jersey even chimed in...offered a massage, a new fan for the bedroom and even jabbered with me about an idea I'm circling around. I think I've come to hate facebook and everything that darn site has come to mean. I sent this article to J and Jersey, "Social Networking and Depression" and figured out I'm not so off when it comes to hating that darn thing. The ticker was when J responded back with, "It's pretty fascinating from a sociology standpoint. It used to be that the Joneses were next door. Now they're all over the world 24/7 in your face!
How insightful!!! I wanted to hug her in that moment. While I personally could care less about the whole friend number game, I do find myself getting upset if I see snarky people intentionally writing things to piss others off...posting updates with inuendos with hurtful undertones...shallow replies, etc. I don't like nasty funky attitudes lol...Period. Conclusion, Tishy?: Get the hell off of Facebook! Now some of you who haven't joined the dark side are scratching your heads wondering if maybe, possibly I sucked on lead paint chips as a kiddie. Read that article!!! People put sooo much importance on that dang site! I didn't speak to someone for months and the first time we spoke she wasn't upset that we hadn't chatted in ages; home girl was mad I deleted her from Facebook! It's THAT important to society now.
It's icky. It's tangibly sticky and grotesque. It's virally disgusting. I'm stepping away...and cursing the fella who lured me into that hideous social networking site.
...Whenever I'm on the good path, information starts piling in to reaffirm I'm on to something. This morning J sent me this:
I’ve noticed in the last couple years, with myself (especially) and my clients - a heightened perfectionism due to all the visibility and exposure we have with Facebook and Twitter. We all naturally want to put our best foot forward and present ourselves in the best light. However, by only showing or commenting on our most glowing moments - we play into what my coach, Mona Miller, calls the “High Ego”.
When we live in the “High Ego”, we incessantly compare and contrast ourselves to other people - people we look up to or idealize, people we want to impress from our past (ex-boyfriends/girlfriends) or anyone we measure ourselves against externally and want to feel ‘better than’. This momentarily boosts an inflated version of ourselves…but the High Ego is just the flip side of the “Low Ego” - the place where we are afraid we may not be ‘as good / successful/ happy… as’.
By constantly editing (instant ‘untag’, anyone?) and embellishing, we only permit this idealized version of ourselves to rise to the surface, be seen and accepted. What we actually end up feeding is our fear that we aren’t good enough, exactly as we are (all the good, the bad and the ugly). We deny, minimize and try to gloss over the more wrinkle-y, annoyed, sad, blah, mundane self (a.k.a. The Shadow). ~Ashley Turner
I'm gonna keep it real. No more High Ego!