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6.28.2011
Credit: anyjazz65
In some ways, I'm hanging on by a thread.

I don't know when it happened...all I know is my depression is a tricky pest that's not leaving without a fight.

It started out as rage, anger, tears and despair. I started talking to a therapist, changed up the dosage on the happy pills, and life seemed better... but it didn't last long. I've never regained the energy that used to burst out of me. The doctor who prescribes the meds seriously looks at me like I'm that one idiot who forgot how to read my own body when I attempt to explain how I'm different.

I used to be able to work out and no matter how tired I was, I'd at some point feel the endorphins kick in and I'd get a surge of energy that would have me grinning so hard my dimple would get lost in my cheek. I never got that back. It's been plaguing me for awhile.  Hate to cook...don't really want to hang out or exert any kind of effort...Dr. No Personality seems to think increasing the dosage of the pill will solve all, but I'm still a shell right now.

That's the only way to describe it. I've got no life in my bones. I have just enough energy to wake up, go to work, work some, and then come home and plop my body down. I don't feel joy. I don't cry either...I just stay numb.

Jersey came home. He's been gone a month and I've missed him so much it's hurt. Usually welcoming him home sets off the butterflies in my stomach. I get nervous and giddy and I pace the airport floors until I see him. Then there's relief and excitement. My body remembers how it's supposed to feel...but for some reason this time I was just numb. The alarms went crazy at that point.

More than sadness and anger combined, feeling numb has got to be THE worst feeling. I think I've been hanging on by threads--trying to keep it together until he got home...knowing there was no way I could have broken without someone there to clean up the pieces. (Talk about a welcome home gift)

Today I get to talk to my therapist. I shall tell her about Dr. No Personality and his lack for truly hearing me out. Then depending on what she thinks, I may have an appointment with him the next day where I will promptly tell him to stop pushing for the pharmaceutical rep who's obviously scratching his back.

Friends have been shocked to find out I haven't been OK. Depression just comes in all shapes and sizes...morphs if you will. It's like escargot: "Slippery little sucker"

So yeah...this little adventure has a "to be continued" label.

3 comments:

  1. I wish I could type something to make you feel better and make the numbness go away but I know that's not how it works. Like the poster of that kitten says, hang in there. And if you ever need someone to talk to, you know I'm here.

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  2. Numbness eats kittens for breakfast...when it has an appetite that is.

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  3. Awww Tish, I wish I had some secret magic answers to make this go away. I thought surely with the new therapist that things were looking up. You seem to have The worst experience with doctors, I hope your visit with your therapist reveals some good news :) I'm just happy you have someone to fall apart on.

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