Walking a Line

I just finished watching this film by Polanski called Repulsion. When I first put the movie in my queue I didn't realize who the director was. I had obviously heard the story, but wasn't putting two and two together. Still wasn't making the connection when the film started playing, either. It was only half way into it when  I started to notice the weird sexual crap. At that point, my eye and arse twitched and the light bulbs started flickering on.

I paused, calmly walked to the living room, grabbed my laptop, walked back to the bedroom, hit play and began to google. Polanski...the director who raped a 13-year-old girl. My heart sank into my chest. This is honest Tish just writing what's popping up: I felt terrible that I had supported this man's art by renting his film. I felt terrible that I was watching it for an acting homework assignment. I may be doing a small short film for a director I respect and have known for many years...but after watching that I had to ask myself if I wanted to work in an environment that supported that monster in anyway.

I read the articles. Yes, I realize the now grown victim has moved on and doesn't care if he comes back to America for his Oscar...It's not about a trial or a punishment...It's about the act itself. I don't care what happened to him...how he lived his life and if he deserved to be happy...I really don't. The victim forgave him. I just can't wrap my heart around something that produces such horrible negative energy.

Not that it should matter, but I was molested as a teenager by a guy I was talking to. I get how a victim feels on a cellular level, but even if I couldn't personally relate I still don't think I'd jump at a chance to work with this guy...Even if he asked me to put my personal feelings aside and collect a million dollars for standing in front of his camera.

Does that mean I'm not the actress I once thought I was? I'm asking that question with all sincerity. Do true actresses abandon personal character and thought in order to lose themselves in the art? I'm not sure. All I know is this is the first time in the history of me wanting to be an actor that I have questioned my talent and skill. I tried to find actors who were openly against him....Google let me down. They just listed person after person who supports him including my acting idol--Whoopi.

I hate when these kinds of shocks hit our dreams and aspirations. Why does everything have to be a battle? Why can't some things just come easy?

I went back through a Dooce Community post that I remember contributing to in order to see if it could bring me some peace...Sadly it didn't help.


  1. I cannot tell you how much I empathize with this post. I've seen a number of Polanski films and have to fight the skin crawlies every single time.

    I will say this, though: do not think you ever have to compromise your foundational morals to get what you want. Even if all the popular and successful kids seem to have different sensibilities and ideas of right and wrong, you do not have to give yours up to pursue and achieve your dreams.

  2. I ♥ you for your comment.


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