The N Word

5.10.2011
Oh the N word...


This word has plagued me all my darn life. I've been called that word many a time and yet I never get used to it. Every time I hear the hate oozing out of someone's mouth I get chills down my spine and feel the need to crawl up into a ball and disappear.

I'm not proud of the fact that the word has so much power...I know I have people out there slinging that word around as a term of endearment...my kid brother included. I usually tell him he sounds like an idiot, but shrug it off in the end. If he wants to be on that team of folks who are trying to reappropriate the word-fine. I'm not that special team's mama...I'll just continue to roll my eyes....and pop him in the throat every time I hear him use it in person.

Back to the reason for this post. This morning at approximately 5:25 AM, I stopped for gas at my local spot. I was getting my debit card out when I noticed a man slowly sauntering over my way. I immediately turned to the gas station attendant window to make sure someone was watching me and then got out of my car like a bad ass (that means I made sure my eyes weren't bugging) and started to pump.

The man walked to the front of my car and said good morning. I said good morning back and turned back to the numbers moving fast, but not fast enough.

He asked me if I was going to work and I said yep. Smiled. Turned. He then asked what I did. Now I'm not much for chit chat with homeless folks (OK, I am most of the time, but not this dude) so I lied and said I worked on computers...easy fast response and his face lit up. Apparently he had buddies from being in the Army who had been into computers. Nice! (Now leave me alone.)

I smiled...turned again and that's when I heard it. I have no idea how he worked it into the conversation, but that wanker of a crazy man said the N word and I swirled. Now, I realized he was crazy so I tried to control my venom, but I calmly replied that I was black and then smiled at him. He said a spade was a spade and then started hurling the word at me like he was chucking boulders at my heart.

I'm an actress so I smiled politely, got back into my car and drove off. Remember, this dude was the crazy homeless guy...not really the time for a special lesson with Tishy. You think it would have ended there...That I would have been able to shrug it off being that the man was clearly 3 cocos past kookoo, but the word is tricky...

It doesn't matter who uses it...You become crazy once it leaves your lips and the hate behind the word always seems to find it's way in.

Hate first thing in the morning? Today's gonna take some kind of miracle in order for me to bounce back.

...And people wonder why I shoot looks of crazy their way when they drop that word. Sometimes I wish I had Powder's ability to transfer pain.

For all the dummie's who use the word, but don't really know why or have never thought about that terrible word's history...READ THIS.

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry. What a gross way to start your day.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'd post the whole quote, but I don't want to write an essay in the comments-James Baldwin sums it up for me. http://youtu.be/L0L5fciA6AU

    I pity the ignorance of those who feel like they wield some kind of power over me by using that word.

    ReplyDelete

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