It's really easy for me to stop reporting on my day-to-day triumphs and failures and focus more on farts and horny toads. I get that...I know some of you, who have been reading this thing since its inception in 2005, are wondering why the heck I'm tripping. I know that YOU know that I know I'm holding back and I am...
Sometimes it's just not a cool and groovy time to share stalemate.
That's what I'm experiencing anyways...a stalemate of sorts. I am chilling in the land of "I ain't doing sheet!" and it sucks balls because I'm Ms Type A Future Planner. I'm the girl who thought I was going places. Gonna do big things...I had all the makings of a nerd gone successful. I set my childhood up perfectly for the crap...(Betcha didn't know I was only pretending to be a dork. Ha HA!) Right now my life is update-free. When people ask me what I've been up to, I smile. That's it! I gots nada for you on the social train. No tweets. No facebook awesomeness. I'm high and dry, y'all.
So yeah my book, Hollywhat, is still in the editing stages, but I've just learned Round I: Grammar Editing has been completed. Now my editor has moved on to Round II: Content (That's the scary part!) I've decided my book is allergic to literary agents. I'm the stinky kid of books. No one wants to touch my ish or be friends. It's sad. Truly. But that happens...So, there's a Plan B in the works for my little project once the rounds of editing commence. I'm going to self-publish. The one thing I said I did NOT want to do. Why? Because that means I, alone, have to hustle and get people to read it...I, alone, have to build hype and create buzz. I'm sorry, I've been writing Luv & Kiwi since 2005 and I have a big ole 30 folks who read. Um...
My Acting Bug
No acting news people! I don't even know what that means anymore. Acting? What's that? Oh wait! There is a short film I'm supposed to be researching stuff for, but I've been lazy and unmotivated. I've put the film I'm supposed to watch (per the director/writer) in my Netflix queue. That's about it. See what I mean? Hot mess--right here--pointing at myself. I just feel like I've been fighting and pushing for something that clearly doesn't want me for way too long. Now I'm sitting back and taking a break from door beating. No more beating down doors trying to get people to flipping give me a chance.
My relationship is HAWD right now. I can't lie and say rainbows and butterflies are singing hippie songs while sitting cross-legged on my butt, BUT it's starting to get better. We've been together for a little over a year now...I'll never know the true time for sure since neither one of us remembers a specific time we started talking. (groan) Moving in together, finding a way to make a chatty pants and an epic silent-one work...well it's a bit challenging, now isn't it? So challenging that I'm moving out. Did your jaw just drop? It did? Yeah, mine did, too. And then I bawled. And then I got angry and kicked his shoes around because it felt good. Then I started to simmer down and now I'm trying to process everything.
My life is so messed up. I'm moving out (we're still dating, but it's gonna be mad different) and moving in with B. While she's awesome squared for doing this, I still feel like a deflated balloon of stupid. Here I am, 30 and dependent on others. I've got nada to my name, a hole in my heart (and pocket!) and NO BOOK DEAL.
This, my friends, is the part where I admit my name spells MUD right now. I just have to put my hands up in the air and exclaim that Donald Trump is a complete idiot...and then focus on allowing the world to just take me a long for awhile until stuff starts to flow and feel right.