I Moved to Cali and all I got was this Lousy Rejection

2.17.2011
I had two dreams. First dream: Become an actress who takes people's breath away. Second dream: Publish a book. Those were the two steady constants in my life. The book thing is a bit more recent, but I've been focusing on that whole acting thing since I was four. It was pretty major.

So...last week I hear from my agent that she's rejected my pictures. OK...fine. That sucks balls, but at least I still have my book to fall back on. My book is about acting and will become a movie and then I'll star in that movie and I'll still win in the end so tinker with that toy trick! So acting dream...deferred, but still hovering in the background of my little hopeful world.

Then today rolled around. Dressed in black (I was totally foreshadowing when I chose my wardrobe this morning and didn't even realize it) I sat at my work desk and skimmed the internet. I hear my phone buzz and I see the letters of the literary book agency pop up. Oh my! Did they get my submission early? I open the email, smile plastered, sparkle ready to shine when I see the words regret, no thanks, you suck (OK, I didn't quite see that one, but I felt it!) and I start to feel warm drips on my cheeks. I'm crying...in broad daylight...for all my place of employment folks to see. Crazy dude watching? Yep. He's looking at me like I'm the weird one. I cry harder. In one day I have found out I did not win the bed contest with Jersey and now this. I check my other email from the agent who requested hard copy chapters recently. Maybe I misread. Maybe this is a different agency. Hope builds for a quick second and then...nope. Same agency, different agent.

The same thing keeps repeating in my head...I never succeed. I always fail.

My shoulders start to fall and I'm wondering how I'm ever going to be able to pick up a pen again. Rejection sucks folks. People asked me how I would handle this and for the most part I was a darn good trooper. I handled the negative with grace. I even sprinkled a little sass into the pot--I kept the rejection letters so that when the good one came I could throw each letter back in the faces of the misguided.

This rejection was different though. THIS rejection wasn't normal. They started out liking my book. They had multiple agents asking me for information. I was jumping through the hoops. I thought I was in. Yes, I've heard you're not supposed to get excited at that stage because they could still say no, but for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I was actually confident in my talent. I actually believed I had something good and knew they couldn't say no. But they did. My last thread of hope was snipped and I watched helplessly as it gently fell to the floor.

I've been writing this stupid blog for almost six years...written a book that took two and some years. I swear my blood, sweat and tears went into that...When you find out that it's a no go, what do you do with all of that? What do I do?

Picking up a pen or writing more here just seems absurd. What's that saying? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results...

3 comments:

  1. 1. You already take people's breath away.
    2. This blog is not dumb.
    3. Repeat number 1 until you stop crying.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Michael Jordan was cut from his highschool team and now look at him..next try out starts tomorrow, so lace them up again

    ReplyDelete
  3. You make my mornings special with your amazing and witty posts!!! This will only make you just stronger. Take it from me...there are many unopen doors waiting for someone to open them. Sending you kisses, darling
    Muah

    ReplyDelete

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