Welcome! I’m an actress and blogger who lives in Los Angeles. I’ve accepted my fate that I have to chase my dreams (and document that ish along the way!) I give you my stories with all the luv and all the kiwi a gal can muster.
...so i'm not really too sure how much detail i can give about the actual talk i had with the producers so bare with me... what i write in this blog is what i can tell lol.
i can say that i started getting more and more nervous as i got closer to my appointment time. i entered into this quiet office room... one guy sat at the front desk while a tv played last season's show. another girl sat with me and together we talked about our fears and preferences until it was her turn and i was left in the room alone... sniff
the logo for fear factor was right above the tv... i swear that was some jedi mind trickery right there.
i went in the room and left feeling like they assumed i was this schmuck who expected a king. the more nervous i grew the more i spoke. i went way passed the point of "slow your roll flo" for sure.
at one point a guy said maybe it's not the guys in la... maybe it's you and something in me curled up and died of shame. it's kind of hard to sit in a room full of strangers and hear something like that...
i don't know why it's different, but writing about dating here on my blog is WAY easier yo. that ish left me butt hurt.
it's over now... i'm safe at home. no more sizing tishy up.
i swear random sticks to my life like hoochies stick to corners.
tomorrow's my date with the dating in the dark producers.
i've decided that i choked in my first interview. the dude asked me about crazy dating stories. i could think of none. i forgot to mention going to an out-of-state wedding as a dude's date and him getting so cracked out on CRACK that i literally peeked my head out of a bathroom and saw him twitching naked thru the room. (he swore up and down someone put something in his drink, but i've never heard of the date rape drug causing one to take off all their clothes and twitch.) true story. help.me.please.
then there was this whole weird horrible date in san diego which entailed me driving this loon around and doing all kinds of weird errand-like activities only to find out he didn't want to show me the real him because i might change myself to accommodate him. (this one still makes my brain hurt) he was right...i totally changed. i changed from thinking he was cool to thinking he needed help...and then i suddenly became forgetful, lost his number and moved the heck on.
ok...so now i have the stories that will make people pity me. i figure i should have my list of requirements ready too. i'm thinking if i could put my perfect mr wonderful together using a computer like the geeks from weird science i loved as a kid (i still put bras on my head) these are the requirements i would need:
he's gotta have an interesting voice. preferably like ole boy from i love you man. you know the high pitched dude "give it everything you've got!!! give it everything you've got!!!"
he must take at least one shower per week
he can't be a test tube baby. i need to know if i squeeze his head he'll be able to handle the pressure
he must have a name
i suspect he should know how to use toilet paper--for both toilet papering a house and cleaning his rump
he must be able to count to at least 13. it is my favorite number after all.
he has to have read at least one book in his lifetime
gremlins should terrify him as much as they terrify me
he should have at least 3 pooh stories to tell at an awkward dinner gathering to break the ice
he should never call me "boo", "sho nuff", "ugly", "delicious" or "late for dinner"
he should be an expert in pee wee playhouse trivia
he should be able to feel my face once and then sculpt an exact replica of it with clay
he should beat box on wednesdays
he definitely should be able to promise me he never believed the little boy was actually in the balloon. at the same time i'd appreciate if he believed in fairies.
if he has an allergy to pickles it's a no go
he must have previously owned one of THESE animals
he must be able to rub his belly and pat his head at the same time
he should have at least one pair of green underwear
his paper snowflake-making skills should be off the chain
the first time he says the three magic wordaroos he should then (in john leguizamo's accent from moulin rouge) shout out "i only speaks the truths!"
there you have it folks! my list in all its glory...remember kids. aim high!i will settle for nothing less!!!
the boy is back in town whenever i have technical difficulties (i.e. computer, tv, car, etc.) i run to d like whitney houston runs to a crack pipe. yesterday i cried on d's shoulder asking him why my computer decided to turn it's back on me. i mean the computer's name IS george after all. george on grey's anatomy WAS reliable and dependable...thus my computer name came to pass. now the little jerk takes five minutes to load anything. it's like i've traveled back to 1995 and i'm waiting for the dial up to say, "you've got mail."
d's solution was an external hard drive, but not just any drive...oh we had to go and get the grown and sexy version...
check this out:
only true nerds would both admit that an appliance can be sexy. that is why i adore the dude. as for the savior's name... i'm going with prince sexy. sleek and lovely. not because it's an external HARD drive as b-the pervert-assumed. dirty filthy mind...
i came home last night to freshly shampooed carpets, a lovely external hard drive to play with AND new internet security (we were going commando on our wireless for years...i know, i know...that's why we got it fixed.) i plucked two grey hairs yesterday from my head. it was time to alleviate any and all worrying i could control!
ps. d also sat with me for an hour in barnes and noble reading a birthday/horoscope book. ain't he just great?
seoul sister my kid sister is in s. korea and suddenly she's reverted back to being five years old in my eyes. i seriously almost cried reading about her adventure trying to find an eye doctor to fix some eye issue she was having out there. her husband is mr frickin wonderful, but...she's five and she is sitting on my bed on nancy lane reading my poetry books and listening to alanis morissette. she needs me. how much is a ticket to s. korea anyways?
luv lesson for the day do you watch private practice? the last episode featured a sweet little wedding speech about an anyway friend. what is an anyway friend you ask? well it's when you mess up and make mistakes and there's someone still hanging around that loves you anyways. i love this idea and plan to milk that line for all its worth for years and years.
i saw a book in barnes...something like get a husband by friday. i wonder if the "anyways" concept is covered in such a work of non fiction. we can all get husbands by friday? i want to just stand by that darn piece of bound paper and see who picks it up...just wanna see.
lol...i'm kind of obsessed with pooping. figured you might be too since you clicked on the durn title...hee hee. aren't i just a stinker?!...no pun intended! this weekend ended with poo, but it was fa fa fa from being craptastic.
sunday was spent doing some of the things i love to do in life, but haven't gotten a chance to do in a while...i hiked with my buddy kidd and her two pups, kingston and jay (rock chalk pup).
i have NEVER moved quite like that on that hike. those little dogs were galloping so hard. i was running with all my might to keep up with kingston. people were giggling as i ran by. yes...a poodle yorkie mix kicked me arse. apparently we kicked the pups' arses too because this was kingston post run.
i felt like snoozing myself but friend time was to carry on.
i went to porto's with bree and then went back to her spot to watch an english flick we both randomly wanted to see from the early 90's. it was called enchanted april. it was just aight and i'm not gonna recommend aight for my nearest and dearest so you can skip that one and still feel complete in your life. you're welcome.
i went to the farmer's market and picked up some beautiful buds for a green vase on my desk (figure it might spark some luv and a much needed push--something needed in order for me to crack that book again.)i also tried a new drink called the "anti-oxidizer" at an organic little restaurant in brentwood...pure pear, lemon and blueberries. THAT'S IT! nada else...gotta love organic hippy dippity do!
i had a good time over the weekend...i didn't write pooh but i did snap a picture of it. that counts for something, right?
i'm sweet? who said i was sweet?! i'm gonna let you in on a little secret if you've never read anything snarky i've written. i'm no angel. my emails to folks can be biting and plain out cold. ask gangsta mom... i swear that's why she continues to play with me on the playground. she knows i pack a verbal punch that will have any kid crying to mrs jenkins sooner or later.
take this moment for example: j sends me this awesome opportunity for fitbottomedgirls. basically, this documentary guy wants an FBG to be in his film and discuss childhood obesity. if they can't make it out to middle earth to interview j, they'll interview me out here in cali.
the following conversation ensued...
j: Just got a request to do an interview for a documentary on obesity. If it works out, AWESOME.
me: woweewow j!!!
j: I know...it's just kinda sinking in. They might be able to come to [middle earth] or do it remotely. If they can't do [middle earth]...they will be on the West Coast. Would you be game? [BIG GRIN]
me: heeeck yeah. i might need to be coached on what to say...cuz you know my behind would tell the story of my chubby little cousin who was in the lake house oinking while we were all outside being active. i took the ice cream out of her hand, shoved it in the back of the fridge and said "go move...move for a couple of hours. no more eating" lol
j: LOL! Yes, you will need coaching.
just saying...i can be a real peach sometimes :) i like to think i take the "jillian approach"...
mimic the marathoner...run the race your heart is meant to run.
in the last couple of days several strangers have approached me and asked me questions about running a marathon. i don't know if it's because i look normal (don't rock ripped out muscles, oakley glasses and running kicks all day err day ) and therefore do not intimidate, or because i'm kind of loud, or they just saw me every day lugging my running bag full of gear down to the gym...hours on a treadmill, sweating it out.
i don't know but they're asking and it makes me happy and proud. the maniacal marathoner in me lives ever on.
i plan to run at least two races this year. possibly one with a fellow friend either here in california or in olathe, ks and a relay race possibly in may.
running is something i can be proud of...when you're experiencing the days where nothing goes right and you feel smaller than david the gnome you have something admiral to focus on...
mimic the marathoner...run the race your heart is meant to run...
do you know how surreal it is to watch ono, shani davis and all these other amazing athletes doing their thizzle in vancouver in a building i've been in? I WAS THERE!!!? remember?
i was chillin in those stands, watching jennifer rodriguez speed around the ice--demonstrating how the awesome kick butt ones handle long track. i hung out in the rooms where the athletes prepare before it's time to go...i've breathed olympian air folks!!! yes...i'm totally patting my back for living in the shadows, riding the coat tails of those that rock the world, basically dancing in the second-handedness that ayn rand would butt twitch over...
heck you never know! maybe awesomeness is contagious. my time in the gym yesterday rocked. i was a beast in class and i started researching celebrity marathon times...my inner competition monster is growing like a prepubescent boy's wee wee at the 6th grade dance. i've been hugging my brain all week. why you ask? BECAUSE my brain pushed me to write...which got me the gig at fitbottomedgirls.com, which got me a ticket to canada to interview a bunch of kick arse athletes competing...which got me the hat i sport below.
i went to bed last night wearing THE hat... i don't feel the olympian yet, but it's coming ya'll...it's coming. i already have the name. aphro-thena...part luva part kick arse athlete...all gangsta. i can feel it...
ps...is anyone else getting emotional over these darn commercials?!
there was no pulling up...definitely have to work on the upper body strength. do you remember when this ish was easy for us as kids?!
i've spent the last couple of days hanging out (literally) and doing some randomly sweet things. it's been so long since i've learned something new about myself and what i want...
i'm STILL working on that pesky resolution of learning to love myself a little better. learning to appreciate the good stuff and not flog myself with spiked whips for the accidents and flaws.
it makes me laugh to admit this, but auditioning for "dating in the dark" did a gal good. the guy behind the camera was asking me some great questions about myself and what i want in another person. i realized that i'm a pretty ok lady if one were to judge me strictly based off the guy i'd choose.
i didn't give the cheesy butt sniffer answers. i said i wanted someone who made me feel comfortable enough to be the goof i want to be...to appreciate the woman who jumps from box to box--turning into a whole tootin mess of different things. one minute i'm the student, the next minute the teacher and everything in between.
sometimes i want to be the buddy bud tomboy that understands a man's need to grunt, scratch and do manly things...then i'll turn around and demand he see my inner loveliness...i'm talking mesmorized by my cuteness (hearts popping out of the eyes--the works)--every girl wants to know her guy thinks she's beautiful. sometimes i want to be funny...other times i want to be taken seriously...it makes my head spin but i managed to spit all of that and then some at the fellow behind the lens.
i left the audition, grabbed a chai tea blend from coffee bean and drove home with the windows cracked (can't have direct wind on the new eyeballs just yet) and felt the joy come in.
i figure i'll spend some time doing some good stuff for me. i'll finish my book (i mean it!), i'll finish reading a couple too. i'll take my time and not rush thru work outs...enjoy that ish. i'll go see more movies with myself and i'll seek out new stuff to learn like attending an NPR event in march that has me squirming in my chair with excitement.
it's so hard to appreciate "ME" 24/7, but i'm trying. this is still my start...
surgery went well..i say that because i can see. i still wake up every morning--scared to open my eyes...i keep thinking i'll go back to being blind again. the first morning i swear i thought i had forgot to take my contacts out...lol panicked a little.
katarina was a great surgery suga mama. she took video which rocks because the actual dvd the doc gave me is a bit graphic and had some folks' tummies turning.
post surgery: that ish burned and the light was atrocious but luckily they give you amazing drugaroos to help you snooze and you wake up feeling awesome. i slept 2 hours longer than they expected. i woke up, caught the end of the olympics lighting ceremony and called it a night again.
i'm not 100% YET they say (gotta wait a couple of weeks) but i see like i did with glasses on...and that's enough to amaze the crap out of me.
i can't lie. the procedure was scary. i was freaking out a bit being awake while they're poking around in my eyeball, but it was worth it.
now...no make up for a month and i have to wear these protective goggles at night. it's all so weird. i don't think it's sunk in yet all the way...i'm in 20/20 denial.
it started at a young age...1st grade to be exact...
what came first? the glasses or the nerd?
i swear my mom and dad were both hotties...how they made THIS i know not.
ok so i'm not wearing glasses here yet but i definitely have wonky eye...it was the beginning of the end for me
sally jessy rapheal?
they were thick & sad...lets all cry for her
...and finally this week. they dilated my ish after my consultation. this would be glasses covered by blue blockers...sexy
sorry for the blurry pictures. i could say i meant to do that...in honor of how i see the world, but sadly, it's just because i don't possess a scanner and took pictures of pictures. whatever. you get the gist and that's all that matters.
everyone keeps asking me if i'm scared to do it. nope. i'm ready. glasses have seriously and honestly defined my whole world. i can remember going to get my first pair...i can remember kneeboarding and skiing and not being able to see the glass lakes or smiling faces as i splashed on by...i remember contacts and all kinds of stuff...all centered around the fact that i've been blind as a bat since age 6.
my good pal katarina is my designated sugar mama tomorrow. she's going to try to smuggle in a camera to tape the procedure for this darling blog as well as direct me to my bed and the lovely drugs they will give me post surgery.
i plan to be pretty doped up and probably won't remember much tomorrow although my eyes will be awesome once i wake up from my drug-induced naparoo. (5 hours of zonk! courtesy of valium...oh yeah baby!!!)
this year is plum full of new stuff, new adventures... i'm ready to see the world in 20/20! hopefully new insights and new perspective will follow shortly after...
i'm reading changing my mind by zadie smith and listening to little ann's deep shadows when i get home today...
have you ever just felt like you're an emotional rollercoaster and you know you'll wake up and things will be on the up and up, but for now you feel like screaming "FML!!!" at the top of your lungs?
i haven't had a lot of time to myself lately...working long hours, going to the gym, coming home and going straight to bed--that's been my life. so tonight--the night before my surgery--i will prepare thy abode for upcoming gimp mode. i realize this weekend is valentines day weekend and everyone has sweet plans to love the ones they love. i will be working on my book. sounds swell right?
when life throws lemons at your head and private parts (ouch!) well...you learn to either duck or catch those puppies and make some sour arse beverage. aren't i a pickle today?!
my current life is about uncertainty and floating...this morning on my way to work i witnessed a man standing on a ledge. he looked like he was contemplating a jump. i called 911 (i don't play with that type of stuff!) and spent the rest of my morning wondering if that man had reconsidered...or been saved by the cop i knew was on the way. i also wondered if the dude would hate me...or hate me because he was just checkin out traffic...or whatever.
the point is...God gave me this HUGE splash of perspective. yes...i'm in the worst most confusing state of liminal dating EVER. yes...the job makes me cry sometimes. yes...my health is annoying the ish out of me right now BUT i also have a great bud who's taking me to and from the eye surgeon's laboratory (mwahaha). she is also taking me to my new favorite pancake restaurant before they slit my eyeballs. i have good buds, lovely books to read and new music to vibe to this weekend.
one memory as a kid that defined the kind of goof i am today (i happen to be the BEST kind of goofy--the unapologetically loud kind) was me zipping and weaving across the waves on a knee board while belting at the VERY top of my lungs the words to "american pie."
imagine if you will a 10 year old kiddoe singing "drove my chevy to the levy, but the levy was dry"...i swear my parents would have to hide their heads as much as possible during my number...which was quite impressive considering my dad had to drive the boat simultaneously.
i would sing, smile and wave...sigh. how i loved my days on that river...
fast forward to today. now every time i hear that song i smile to myself and chuckle. such a strange mortal i am. i pretty much take the cake for weirdness and i'm ok with that. in fact i love it. (i wouldn't chuckle at that oh-so-sad song unless i did.)
going down memory lane is such a gift. today i remember that zany goof that has made life interesting for me over the years...and added some very interesting material to this lil blog o' mine might i add.
friday was not such a swell day. if you happen to be my facebook friend, you might have read a posting i flung out into the world about how my job was knocking me down mighty low--how i didn't want to go back to the place, yadda yadda. i went out with jersey that night to shake it off, but it just wasn't slithering off my brain the way it should have. of course the fellow got me talking and laughing enough to totally distract me and that was the beginning of better.
saturday i went and did the lasik stuff and found out i am indeed a candidate. the surgery is scheduled for this friday (wha?!!!) and i couldn't be more thrilled. ya'll don't even know what kind of mayhem i'll get myself into once glasses are a thing of the past. mwahaha then i had that interesting party i blogged about already followed by the BEST night with jersey. i showed up at his place sporting an "i love jersey" t shirt he got me a while back. he was rockin some jersey love on his t shirt as well which had us both laughing and off we went to a j dilla tribute hip hop party in china town. (the reason for the laughs? j dilla was a detroit producer...but what ev...great minds think alike!)
it was so dope being in a joint where i could rock a t shirt and chucks...sit back with ole boy and just vibe to the music...no worries about hollywood divas or douche bag dudes...it was just chill and nice. jersey and i got in some dancing and some laughs...it was definitely my kind of saturday night. there was a moment where the beats started vibrating in my chest, i closed my eyes, leaned back against the wall and forgot who i was and where i was...i just got lost in the music.
it was perfect. i felt so alive. sigh... sunday was all about the super bowl. jersey and i were invited over to his boss' place to watch the game so we got together beforehand and made some of my lovely turkey burgers and some chocolate treats. ole boy added some pinoy love to the pretzels for sure. had us all grubbin like piggies i tell ya!
we watched the game, cheered for the saints (WOO HOOOOOOO!) and then i came home to write you this post :) so proud of myself, because seriously my bed has been calling my name for 30 minutes now...i'm talking about full on barry white voice "tisha baby come on over to bed...i'll make it real nice fo ya" stuff. i'm coming bed!!! i'm coming!
puttin the man to work!
these suckers turned out to be so flippin tasty. he kept eating them before they could make it into the bowl "oops this one's broke, gotta eat it."
since wednesdsay i've been forced by gunpoint to wear my nerd goggles (no offense to all those that actually look sexy, cool, smart, awesome, sophisticated in theirs.) i do this with hopes that the lasik eye docs can look at my fresh browns and verify that i indeed am THE almost blindest woman in the known free world, thus giving me the go to get my corneas slit and fixed. (such a cute little procedure)
i think this is how they reel folks in. make me wear these annoying things for a couple of days...work out in them, take showers with them, JUST so i can walk into that office and not chicken out. i HATE wearing the darn things. "SLIT MY EYEBALLS! SLIT THEM FREELY! TAKE MY 23 YEARS OF PAIN AWAY I SAY!"
i feel like the absent-minded professor. pushing them up every 3 seconds isn't a cute look for me.
just think i'll be able to have impromptu slumber parties if i so choose "sorry...forgot my contact case. it's a no go edward from twilight. i can run and look like the bad ass i am...there will be no silly adjustment pushes that rob me of my thunder. and most importantly, i will not have to feel my way to the darn things every morning. yes...i'm THAT blind.
tomorrow is the consultation. cross your eyes for me!
i got on the elevator today and right as the door was about to shut a small man with a slight limp stepped on. he stood beside me with his head down, reading a piece of paper. i noticed immediately that he had some sort of muscle issue--his arm jolted back and forth and his head would rock. i could tell he was trying his hardest to control the spasms that kept rocking his body...he was only on for a moment. then he walked off, head high and a smile on his face.
i wonder how i would be if that were my body...how would i handle the stares and the insensitive questions. my dad has a form of turrets syndrome that has always caused movement in his back and arm. i can remember getting so angry as a kid for him when people would look at him questioningly.
how would i be if it were me? and more importantly...why God? i mean no disrespect in asking that. i thought about this in the elevator. why is it that some people are born with hardships and others not? why can some of us handle this or that, while it would break another? and will one day i get to find out these answers? when you go to heaven do the emotions of this world somehow change so that you can handle the realities that currently rip open your heart?
a total stranger can walk into my life and this whole sad story pops into my head and i find myself crying hoping things aren't as bad as i imagine. i hope that others smile at them and let them know that we're all a big ole mess on this planet and that at the end of the day we're the same and you don't have to hang your head down or feel like you're less than anything you deserve to be.
that's the conversation i had with God anyways...
and then this email came from "mr universe"(this email i get every day)
If you knew how much you have in common with every single person now living in time and space tish - in terms of your greatest hopes and dreams, and your deepest fears and worries - you'd wonder how I manage to tell you all apart.
And from this day forward you'd likely think of every single one of them as "dearest," just as I do.
sometimes i get hella bored at work...don't feel like working on work...feel that i'm the queen of creativity and need my loyal subjects to entertain me arse, and so i go to the world wide web ( i swear i sometimes forget that's what it stands for...gone are my aol chat room days) and i do some damage.
usually i stick to blogs i dig, but people have been stingy with their business lately soooo i've been catching up on archived posts on dooce.com. she's got tons of ish to keep me squealing with glee. a couple of months ago she even started this community post thingy majig that allows someone to post a question and like magic the world responds.
it's amazing! i shall share some of my loveliness.
i've asked if you can really get pink eye from farts...what are the benefits of going commando...i have entered into a WHOLE NUTHA LEVEL of joy.
sincerely, ask jeeves
...and for the curious georges, my question and the answers that followed:
Scratch under my pouch. And by pouch, I mean stomache, not my cooter. Although... Let me elaborate. The incision scar from my c-section still itches from time to time, but scratching it is not something I would ever do in public. If I'm alone though, I'm lifting the excess stomache up, and going for the gold. It.feels.great.
@blackpanther- totally thought you were going there, lol! Watch the Real Housewives of Orange County while digging through the ice cream tub, picking out all the candy pieces and leaving the plain stuff for my hubby.
turn up the tunes and pretend im a disco diva, usually with hoover in hand.
@Davina - talk to my dog all the time! I thought people that talked to dogs were nuts until I got a dog. Understood quickly :) Sing up a storm... I have an awful voice and can only sing in the car. I pretend no one can see me an pull the "sauve pause" at intersections so no one can see me busting a move in the car.
Open a bottle of wine and NOT USE A GLASS. Also, SING SO DAMN LOUD to TORI AMOS. With that beautiful, not pretty, totally chest voice that's only used when home alone and in the shower. And run around naked.