One Step Closer to Cracking the Code...

11.19.2010

...So I'm not completely quite close yet, but I think I've unlocked parts of a man's DNA that may soon help me understand that gender that makes my ass twitch most days.

In previous posts I probably told you (in a naive manner) that I knew boys...I'm kind of/sort of a boybian. I like hanging with dudes. Talking about farting and burping...hot chicks. I can do this. I can do it with ease...I've always been this way. I was so very thankful when I read something of Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own. When I read that everybody has a female and male brain I yelled to the world "HALLELUJAH YES!" and felt complete and whole for the first time. (The fact that I loved rocking men's ties in high school, yet didn't really want to be a boy per say...with like a penis...and didn't really care to date women...Well that was just weird and confusing for me. If I wasn't Ru Paul, who was I?)

Fiddly dee, I digress. So I thought I knew dudes because I've been friends with the little martians all my life, but then I shacked up with my main squeeze Jersey and figured out I don't know SHAT about them.

I will translate all Jersey's actions with the *Webster's Internal Female Dictionary and Decoder and I will get it wrong EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I don't speak martian and even if you have spies on the inside, that ish won't make sense unless you have a penis. The penis is a magical cryptex that holds the man code. Because I'll never possess that damn code stuff gets muddled. For instance, I don't understand why telling him I'll cut off his penis and tie his balls in a nice neat bow with the extra room is weird. I don't understand why a man must chill out with his hand down his pants. Not too sure I know why feminine products make them quiver in corners, and definitely not sure why ESPN has to be in the mix. I swear the man believes something bad will happen to him if it's not on. Like the testes police will come in and take away his man card.

So I was speaking to my twinkie twin, Nicole, the other day...I was telling her my guy isn't the best grocery shopper in the world. She told me that her dude isn't allowed to shop for food because he'll come back with an 80-piece value pack of chicken and twizzlers. My jaw dropped. Could this be a coincidence or do all men share this lack of grocery store knowledge?!

My guy will actually call me while he's in the store and ask me where things are. Like the signs and employees aren't as wise as I am..."Hey Hun, where's the peanut butter located?" That's a question I know is coming when he goes at it alone. So there ya go! One tiny part of a guy's nucleotides uncovered.

I mean this is the reason that women were the hunters and gatherers back in the day. Men have some genetic challenge to getting the proper food. Maybe because women can make food appear magically from their boobs...I don't know but this is something significant! If lionesses could talk, what would they tell us about their duties as the main hunter while the King sits around purring. It's something, SOMETHING I SAY!

While I may never be able to decipher Jersey's brain, I will get close to figuring out what truly makes this man tick. Fascinating experiment...


A typical conversation


*I made that shit up. Please do not go to barnesandnoble.com and search for that...Please.

4 comments:

  1. Or perhaps men are brilliant and deliberately grocery shop like idiots so we'll just do it for them. Diabolical.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ah man...back to square one.

    you're cruel nicole...

    ReplyDelete
  3. shat shat shat chanda! don't DO that to me! lol...burning notes. back to pg 1.

    ReplyDelete
  4. My husband can't shop. I have decided that I will take pictures of the areas I frequent the most so he has a visual. The only problem is, he'll still return home with crap that was not on my list!

    ReplyDelete

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