please give my regards to the fruits

10.13.2010
i want to know how it's possible...so many people are out of work, yet my job is able to hire some of THE most crazy nuts i have ever met in my entire lifetime.

i'm seriously pacing the floors at my place of employment wondering how in the heck i've managed to surround myself with such nut jobs and how the hell i can get myself out of it. every day i'm one butt twitch away from snapping. seriously. i shall list a small dose of the stupidity i ingest on a daily basis...

i give you a list of the crazy shit people do and say at my job:

the pen is mightier than the sword
i was lucky enough to gain the supply ordering responsibility (we won't discuss the fact that i possess a degree) for a group of folks in my department. i get an email requesting a specific pen. the pen must be sans grips because heaven forbid a wiley grip fall...it could destroy the planet. i order the damn pen. it comes in a box of 12. when the shipment comes i give it to the spazoid...spazoid freaks the hell out because he only wanted one pen...there's no room on his huge bare desk for 11 extra pens that may come in handy... say when the other pen runs out...

dude spazzed and marched over to my desk and slammed down the pens...stating no PENS!!! NO ROOM! i read a study recently that said one can become dangerously supplied if they have more than one pen at a time. i need a moment to collect my damn mind.


cat nip surprise
i asked a woman from my floor if she'd help me out by joining our company gym (20 referrals and you win a wii) she took one look at the address section and screamed that it was too personal. heaven forbid the gym that belongs to our company have the same information that HR has. i like to think she secretly used to work for the KGB and knew if the gym were to get a hold of her information the united states government might just come after her and her million cats and feed them all (including her) poisonous cat nip. i just don't want to believe that she's crazy...that would merit a good slap upside the head and i kind of need my 401k right now.

the gays are coming!!!
lady at work came up to me one morning to shoot the shit...usually this is cool. usually she'll ask how i've been...i'll say swell and the earth will begin to rotate once again. one morning she got a bit brave though and kept talking to me...apparently me turning around shortly after my swell comment didn't seal the deal. somehow the crazy coot decided it was share time at tishy's cube. she started in on religion and how fabulous the mormon church is. before i could say "jesus pajamas are magical" she was whispering how the gays were responsible for trying to bring down the church...at that moment i giggled a bit inside imagining a mob of fierce homosexual deviants storming temples asking for worshipers inside to release every pair of  pink jesus pajamas available; water guns loaded with the devil's caffeine...why is it that when people experience horrific tragedies in their life they flock to the extreme fringes of religion. "i got in a bad wreck therefore i need a snake biting group of people to make me feel whole again..."

...i live in an office space hell.




2 comments:

  1. Almost fell out of my chair. I feel mountains of sympathy for you, love. One thing I am very thankful for is my co-workers are not like this...

    ReplyDelete
  2. HILARIOUS!

    that is all.

    well, i sympathize too, but thanks for the laughs.

    ReplyDelete

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