me: damn, i'm sick of my fat ass!

jersey: um, you're not fat. where does this crazy talk come from?!

me: it comes from my mother fuckin' gut that's bulging out of my jeans. that's where it comes from.

jersey: ...


cutie patootie friend: how's living with jersey going?

me: it's actually weird how normal and fun it is. i thought he'd demolish me by now.

cutie patootie friend: awww, well how could he when he's got your hot ass in bed with him?!

me: cuz that hot ass explodes with hot gas now!


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