the great repression

9.20.2010
i'm going to share a key personality quirk with you...something that may or may not define me. i can't make that distinction quite yet. i'm only 29...one should never name the clay until it's finished becoming the bowl.

i am über hard on myself when it comes to where i stand in the world i've created. translation? if i have it in my head that i'm supposed to be successful now then i'm devastated if that success hasn't hit. so...with that being said, i'm unhappy because i don't have a book deal. i write blogs day in and day out and have no earthly idea if the ish gets read cuz i never receive comments...people don't even like to mention they read it. it's always an off-hand totally flippant (yeah i caught that blog that once) ouch...that stings. i'm a self-absorbed writer. i don't move my fingers on the keypad cuz it feels good...because the act of physical typing is cathartic... i write and tap my fingers on the keyboard because i like connecting with people. hearing crickets isn't good for the soul...

so yeah...i took a break from social media (aka twitter and facebook posting) because i figured it was time to read, listen, learn and leave the silly posts for someone else to create for awhile. that's how i'm coping. sounds a little counter intuitive, no? i feel insignificant therefore, i hide myself from the writing world...ok tish. sure...

the thing is it's working...first of all it's an ego check. maybe i need to learn how to get my inner attention whore to simmer down and not worry so much about being needed...or being some one's everything. (mama instinct warped itself into a monstrosity!) second, i'm becoming a student again. i'm reading new and interesting things and taking the time to reconnect with my inner grasshopper...as opposed to focusing on who's reading me and if my footprints are sticking or fading.

i'm writing in the background. my book is still growing and i'm still submitting to agents...i'm going to start a self-publishing adventure soon because according to anna wintour (a new twitter hero) "If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results".

i'm changing things up...by admitting what people probably already guessed about me. i need to know i'm noticed...i need to know i exist in the world. maybe that comes from my father passing...experiencing death at such a young age causes you to question things...or at least think of things a little differently. while my friends were asking me if i enjoyed winning a tether ball match, all i was really thinking about was what people would miss about me if i died. how would the world go on and would anyone care? morbid little thing, wasn't i? whatever the root cause, whether it be my daddy issues or my "chicken or the egg?" theory on social networking (does it breed, festor and grow little narcissists?) the cyber ban was a good idea.

i'm not fixed yet...a couple of days isn't enough for a life-changing aha moment, BUT it's a start...it's a change. anna would be so proud of me...well she'd be proud and then she'd see my beat up chucks and old shaggy cardigan and hang her head in shame.
to be continued...


the art of editing...

3 comments:

  1. I hear you, I see you! Makes my day when you post!

    ReplyDelete
  2. sounds like a good idea...

    writing to get attention is well, like instant gratification, soon you want more because it wears off....

    you said you write "because i like connecting with people" .... hope to see more of that in your future writings....

    don't give up, just rest, restore, and well... begin anew, without the ego....

    ~a.

    ReplyDelete
  3. you hit the word right on the head annie...ego. THAT'S what i'm working on. this was a hard post to write...it's hard to show an unfortunate side of myself, but figured i needed to clear the air.

    hopefully it works!

    krys, thank you for stroking that ego i have a luv/hate relationship with :)

    ReplyDelete

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