captain of my soul

6.15.2010
there are moments when we can give in and start to believe the worst about ourselves--a worst that consists of thoughts punching our brains telling us we're undeserving. last week i was really sinking into that shameful hole. like robin williams in what dreams may come, i had entered a grey hell similar to the one his wife existed in. i could feel my mind's wheels slowly stopping and the flicker of light in my eyes fading. that point is a scary one because you don't care that you're losing something precious. all i could see or accept was my current challenging state--no rainbows in sight...


then something kinda wonderful happened. i watched invictus and learned how nelson mandela was able to unite his people. it left me inspired and then some.


it wasn't long before i was able to start daydreaming again (that's what usually happens to me when i get even a smudge of hope) then i started to think about a future that consisted of kids...thought about how i'd feel if they came to me asking if they should give up. i knew i'd want to push them and show them just how much i believed in them. i knew i had to demand the same for myself so that someday i could speak with my children honestly, without hypocrisy about such matters of the heart.

so i'm taking the criticism and turning it into a big ole bowl of self improvement.

there are women i admire immensely like oprah, lisa ling and soledad o'brien. these are incredibly accomplished people with something to say...they have actual platforms that help their awesomeness. i know they're not sitting at home writing sob stories into their journals about what they can't do. so it's time to start pushing to get into that league.

don't get confused though. my writing will stay the same. i admire the success and sense of accomplishment they posses. i'm not saying my writing will cease being the silly fluff that it is. it may be a far off cry for those looking for the next poet laureate or pulitzer prize winner, but i know i have something up in that noggin that can be dished out with gusto...with a voice distinctly my own.

after a weekend of laundry time and day dreaming, i've decided this is a good place to be. it seems to me uniqueness comes in handy for those looking for their own piece of the pie in the sky success story.

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