a powerless play

do you ever have one of those days where bad thoughts trickle, tears drip and crazy situations flow creating the perfect cocktail of bad day?

yesterday my car started shaking again. it's not supposed to shake. i felt totally powerless forking over the money to fix her and as she shook and the little mean engine light blinked on and off, i felt like melting into the engine and letting it burn me out...more than the burnt i already felt and still feel. 

that powerless flowed right on into other financial situations. i realize i'm young and this and that, but it sucks being broke. no one talks about being broke. no one discusses how hard it is to be beyond the point of budgeting. i booked a family vacation ticket yesterday that made me almost pass out from anxiety. i was actually upset with my parents for not being the type of parents that spoil their kids and pay for every little thing so that they're debt free and traveling like it's nothing. care free...debt free jealousy...

that's what seeped into my bones. self pity is terrible but honestly i don't know what else to play with right now. all the other toys are too expensive. 

there was a moment yesterday evening...when i was watching my finnish people board the bus to leave me...a moment where i started to cry and knew i couldn't stop.  i knew then that crazy situations would continue to pop up in the near future. fighting will be pointless...i'll just have to learn how to ride out the hard because it's gonna come and it's gonna touch my life no matter what. that particular realization got me into my car. got me to start the engine and drive home. 

some day i truly hope this part of life gets easier. i really hope that if i need to get a new car because my poor old car wants to take her last breath, i can. i hope i can travel at least once a year for more than a weekend and experience true relaxation...i hope so many things. 

the guy says that i'm a driven person and that means that i'll come out on top. at this point, anything that doesn't involve powerless moves sounds like a plan to me. i'm willing to play with that idea.


  1. tish! hey girlfriend, aloha.

    My husband and I were at the North Shore last week where the beach is wide and serene and the ocean is absolutely massive. Watching the waves break and move forward then suddenly retreat back- it reminded me of the challenges we face in life. Basically, they just keep coming whether we want them or not. And regardless if you're a trust fund baby or living paycheck to paycheck- the truth of the matter is....shit happens. Once you accept that your life is a dynamic, ever changing experience- you can begin to get in touch with who you are, how you react, and maybe start thinking about what you want to change.

    You'll get through this, chica. This too shall pass.


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