attention! i eat scum for dinner

i'm not hear to offend delicate ears with my TMI bizznazz but i am on the pill. i have been on the pill since i was 15 to control my monster cramps that used to rip thru the flesh of my mid section like one of those little queen alien babies from the movie alien. (rip, tear, little baby fangs, ROAR, i shall eat my way out of you earthling!)

i remember coming home, 15 and newly doped up on baby stoppin' magic, and watching as my mom explained to my dad that i was on the pill. all the blood rushed from his face and i believe he went into his tool shed after and did manly controllable testosterone activities for a couple hours.

so yeah, i've been on the stuff for a really long time. i tried to get off for a couple years and those years sucked balls because my face broke out into pizza-rific polka dots and tishy couldn't have that. i was actually modeling and acting pretty frequently and about to move to los angeles so i got back on.

fast forward to now. the other night i was too lazy to take my pill into the bathroom, away from the sink, in my special place so that i don't lose the damn little things forever...instead, i stayed in the kitchen and in slow motion i watched as the pill grew legs, popped out of my fingers and ran under the stove...

a classic, "OOOOOH NOOOOOO!!!" (manly slurred slow sounds) poured out of my mouth.

i immediately dropped to the ground with flashlight and started searching. the guy--totally oblivious to the wonders and magic of that little pill--asked me why i was stressing so much...that i should just let it go.

HUH!? and risk a baby or even worse, a PIMPLE!? are you kidding me?!

after about five minutes i found my beloved pill...laughing at me in a pool of dust bunnies. have i mentioned before that i'm anal retentively neat and a total germ freak? i fished that stupid pill out of the muck and proceeded to spaz out and twitch every time i thought about bringing it up to my mouth to swallow.

finally i wet a paper towel down and wiped off the top coating of the pill..hopefully dust and 5 year old food doesn't know how to seep into pill coatings.

i put that thing in my mouth and then proceeded to upchuck from disgust the rest of the night.

the things i do for magic...


  1. Gross! Hilarious though. I dropped one down the sink once. Having no other options but to take the next day's pill, I was just a day off the whole month and my period just came one day earlier. Keep that in mind for the next dust bunny disaster!

  2. ahh i'll remember that dawling. lol

  3. "lauhing at me in a pool of dust bunnies". I love your vocabulary, and this blog.


  4. hilarious.

    just read now before crashing at 1:30 am. loved it. needed it. :)



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