raw & exposed

3.22.2010
while it's not sealed in blood anywhere...while there's no official document stating this, i've decided that 29 will mean i can say what i need to say and work to build a better me with no apologies. with age comes wisdom and sass...that's my thinking anyways.

last night i had THE crappiest dream concerning me feeling like i wasn't good enough for anything. i just remember this strong feeling that my life meant nothing...i can't remember the actual events that took place, well other than me telling b that she was better than me and her life actually meant something while mine did not. it was HORRIBLE...and sadly has a bit of truth in it.

not that my life means nothing, but the fact that i'm still working on the whole "who are you and what are you good for?" stuff in my life.

some days i'm on fire. i believe, wholeheartedly, that i'm the shiznit. i'm writing, i'm working, i'm working out...i'm using a lot of w's. i'm good and i'm proud of the woman i've become.

then other days i really base a lot of my worth on how other people treat me. my standard of measuring is stupid and weird, but my brain accepted it many moons ago and it's hard to reprogram the thing.

"could be an organ donor the way i'd give my heart up"

the guy who i think the world of thinks i'm great...but he's not in a place where he could say "sure i want to be with you..." that blow to the heart sent mass shock waves out to all parts of my ego and left me dreaming dreams like last night's unfortunate one.

i don't understand the guy's version of a heart and head. my emotions control EVERYTHING i do. if i have feelings for someone then i go for it. there's no patient period of wait where i line up all my ducks, neatly in a row, and then decide if they look good with the other's ducks. THIS is why i can go on that reality dating show. i go back and forth between waiting and living my life.

the phrase "it doesn't take a whole day to recognize sunshine"and investing in something that isn't willing to invest back is scary. those two ideas combined are what lead my head and heart now. scary as they are...

i don't know how to get my heart to simmer down and focus on other things...this, my friends, is part of the reason for my lexapro luv...matters of the heart affect me so hard right now. i apologize if you're squirming...i know this is a bit heavy, but i'm 29...and i need to be honest for a bit and get this stuff off my chest...and out of my heart.

6 comments:

  1. Hey babe, don't worry about unleashing whatever you need to. Life isn't all fluff and kittens ;) Sometimes we just need to get stuff off our chest so we can start getting it out of our minds.
    I'm always here if you need to talk. Love ya!

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  2. thanks babe. :) i really want to nip these bad feelings in the bud. don't like the person they're shaping me to be

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  3. if you are conscious enough...you don't need to 'nip' them in the bud...but allow them to bloom and die...

    it is our duty to feel as humans, what are we if not conscious?

    let moments come and go. you are not the moment.

    i responded to your recent comment in re: my mother's words.

    also, what has been the most beneficial for my personal development has been going through my phone, once every six months, and 'nixing' out people that 1) i have no talked to in 6 months AND 2) i don't feel the impulse to call or text them now given i have not talked to them in 6 months.

    you will be surprised to learn that although you think you surround yourself with "decent" company... how many are 'negative zeitgebers'. :)

    peace,
    ~a.

    p.s.
    oh must read this arrticle. even though it is for "food" related issues, i found it applicable on lots of others levels.

    given what was in this month's oprah magazine on relationships and love, i did not think there was any need to write this one article that has been lingering in my mind for some time, but perhaps i should anyway...having read your post.

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  4. Oh sweet girl...those feelings are so hard to deal with ~ I know...you do have a purpose and so much ahead of you! I'm not sure of your circumstances...but you do deserve respect and love ~ everyone does:)

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  5. i'm reading a.q.s. i'm reading!!! good article...and yes, i believe you should write about this. i'm not the only lost gal out there i predict.

    thanks martha :)

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  6. you are not lost. neither is anyone else who is seeking some answers, clarifications, integration. when the seeking stops, then there is a concern.
    "all those who wander are not lost." :)
    i would like to add: all those who wonder are not lost.

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