cry, cry, check

i'm sooo hard on myself. i treat feelings and emotions like tangible stages. ok so you're upset tish. ok you're allowed to cry for this amount of time. cry, cry, now go in the bathroom, look in the mirror and check and see if you feel different. YOU SHOULD FEEL DIFFERENT NOW DAMN IT! you must learn the lesson immediately. that's what tears are for...tsk tsk. 

that didn't work last night. what got me to dry the heck up was a guy friend of mine writing and telling me to suck it up. brutal honesty is confusing. i'm not gonna lie. his teachings were making my brain bleed. if you're dealing in the rational and i'm dealing in the emotional and you can't translate into my code...well we have a problem houston. lol 

while i am still confused, i at least have gotten to a point where i'm not beating myself up over it. hey...that's progress for an emotional slave driver like myself. 

i just want to get to a place where it's ok that i mess up. it's ok that i don't understand or get it...a place where i can still live my life without thinking the world's gonna end if i don't nancy drew it all to pieces. 

cuz that's what it boils down to. i hate not knowing. this is why my behind goes to fortune tellers and reads books to learn, learn LEARN. i have to the minute i make peace with not knowing every darn thing, i'll be a better, more emotionally stable lady.

...and honestly, who's really silly enough to try to conquer such a ridiculous notion? i raise my hand slowly and my inner rationality slaps that hand down. stop it foo! (that's what i'm saying to my precociously youngin' self.)

work in progress...should definitely think about changing my blog name to that...


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