my momma didn't raise no fool!

2.25.2010
tomorrow's my date with the dating in the dark producers.

i've decided that i choked in my first interview. the dude asked me about crazy dating stories. i could think of none. i forgot to mention going to an out-of-state wedding as a dude's date and him getting so cracked out on CRACK that i literally peeked my head out of a bathroom and saw him twitching naked thru the room. (he swore up and down someone put something in his drink, but i've never heard of the date rape drug causing one to take off all their clothes and twitch.) true story. help.me.please.


then there was this whole weird horrible date in san diego which entailed me driving this loon around and doing all kinds of weird errand-like activities only to find out he didn't want to show me the real him because i might change myself to accommodate him. (this one still makes my brain hurt) he was right...i totally changed. i changed from thinking he was cool to thinking he needed help...and then i suddenly became forgetful, lost his number and moved the heck on.


ok...so now i have the stories that will make people pity me. i figure i should have my list of requirements ready too. i'm thinking if i could put my perfect mr wonderful together using a computer like the geeks from weird science i loved as a kid (i still put bras on my head) these are the requirements i would need: 


  1. he's gotta have an interesting voice. preferably like ole boy from i love you man. you know the high pitched dude "give it everything you've got!!! give it everything you've got!!!"
  2. he must take at least one shower per week
  3. he can't be a test tube baby. i need to know if i squeeze his head he'll be able to handle the pressure
  4. he must have a name
  5. i suspect he should know how to use toilet paper--for both toilet papering a house and cleaning his rump
  6. he must be able to count to at least 13. it is my favorite number after all.
  7. he has to have read at least one book in his lifetime
  8. gremlins should terrify him as much as they terrify me
  9. he should have at least 3 pooh stories to tell at an awkward dinner gathering to break the ice
  10. he should never call me "boo", "sho nuff", "ugly", "delicious" or "late for dinner"
  11. he should be an expert in pee wee playhouse trivia
  12. he should be able to feel my face once and then sculpt an exact replica of it with clay
  13. he should beat box on wednesdays
  14. he definitely should be able to promise me he never believed the little boy was actually in the balloon. at the same time i'd appreciate if he believed in fairies.
  15. if he has an allergy to pickles it's a no go
  16. he must have previously owned one of THESE animals
  17. he must be able to rub his belly and pat his head at the same time
  18. he should have at least one pair of green underwear 
  19. his paper snowflake-making skills should be off the chain
  20. the first time he says the three magic wordaroos he should then (in john leguizamo's accent from moulin rouge) shout out "i only speaks the truths!"

there you have it folks! my list in all its glory...remember kids. aim high! i will settle for nothing less!!! 

5 comments:

  1. AWESOME ! Dating in the Dark is coming back ?? I loved that show !

    ReplyDelete
  2. yeah i have a live one! it is coming back...tell me about it! i never watched...do they make folks look like dweebs? does anyone ever really meet cool peeps?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Indeed you do. I like your blog. I think I'm gonna stick around. haha.

    The show is really really interesting. I've noticed that ALL the men always took chances on the women based on the connections even if the girl wasn't their type.

    But the women were unpredictable..sometimes they'd let a really good connection go because the guy wasn't what they imagined or wasn't as handsome as they thought he sounded.

    Once all 3 women wanted 1 guy and after seeing him they all rejected him. He wasn't ugly, he just looked young.

    I don't feel like they make people look dorky...they actually do a good job with not skewing the people one way or another. Yeah it seems people met some cool people. I kinda wish I could be on it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. interesting...ok i feel better now. thanks for reading :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love your list of requirements!

    Love that it doesn't have the usual suspects like he must have a sense of humor or he must be taller than you.

    Who has time to worry about if he likes long walks on the beach when you're with a man who doesn't have a name or can't count to 13.

    You've got your priorities straight my friend. Good for you!

    ReplyDelete

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