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1.22.2010
oh it's dear diary time. i haven't had one of those good and juicy posts in many moons. friends used to ask me how i could be so open and out there with total strangers (shout out to e!)...it just felt good to release and i predict this post will feel good as well.  

a good portion of my 2009 blog entries would passively aggressively discuss this guy i've been digging for almost a year now. i think he's pretty amazing. we're not a couple but i have this inner calm that is thankful he's popped up into my life at all. i'm cool with the mantra, "what will be, will be."what can i say,  i DIG the guy.

"Let me tell you why I love him"

  1. he's quiet initially but definitely can step up to the gangsta plate if someone's trying to push him around.
  2. he has this distinct laugh that is definitely nerdy, but he STILL razzes me for my ernie/duck laugh.
  3. he has THE hottest bawd i've ever seen. if i could marry his pecs alone i'd be a happy camper.
  4. he could win the olympic gold in cuddling...not too clingy...doesn't make me sweat...doesn't stick me into his armpit and call it a day.
  5. he has a green phone. that's just meant to be folks!
  6. he uses an old school razor...his hotness goes thru the roof because of this one.
  7. his natural smell is intoxicating. he smells like a giant picked him up and hung him out to dry in heavenly sunshine perfection
  8. he digs good real hip hop
  9. he's down to work out with me and never leaves me behind
  10. he gives me butterflies every time he smiles at me
  11. he loves to clean just as much as i do
  12. he has a kind heart and it's apparent to all those around. the guy made me homemade chicken soup when i got sick once...dude!
  13. he thinks i'm something :)
"I remember the very first day that I saw him
I found myself immediately intrigued by him
It's almost like I knew this man from another life
Like back then maybe I was his husband maybe he was my wife"


i swear the first time i met him i stopped breathing. usually when i see really hot dudes i roll my eyes. it's totally horrible, i know, but i have this theory that beautiful people lack substance. unless you grew up dorky and a half, society never demands that you develop a personality.  but he spoke to me and it was like that cartoon chime that happens when magic is happening. i was a bumbling idiot. for two months i couldn't look the guy in the eyes. he'd smile at me and say hi and i'd put my head down and turn about three shades of rojo red.


obviously i got over my fears and actually spoke to the guy. i found myself wanting to start more conversations. after a month or so i invited him out for burgers at my favorite hamburger joint in pasadena. i thought maybe then i'd see what i'd need to stop crushing so hard on the guy...we'd have horribly awkward conversation and that would be the end of it, but it was just the opposite. i didn't want the night to end. there was just something about him...


"And even things I don't like about him are fine with me
Cause it's not hard for me to understand him cause he's so much like me
And it's truly my pleasure to share his company
And I know that it's God's gift to breathe
The air he breathes"


months went by and we started hanging all the time. we were both dating other people so there was no threat...no walls to becoming friends. we'd let secrets we'd never told anyone spill out of our mouths...we found we liked the same flicks and tv shows...we both had the fitness factor...he went on a long run with me during marathon training and kept me going when i wanted to just give up. i learned so much about him in a few short months. i was like a human sponge. i soaked up all things him--the good and the bad. i liked it all.


"How can the same man that makes me so mad
(Do you know what he did)

Turn right around and kiss me so soft
(Girl do you know what he DID)
If he ever left me I wouldn't even be sad no
Cause there's a blessin' in every lesson
And I'm glad that I knew him at all"


here's the rub though. he may leave... he wants to jump state and chase opportunity and that there is sad my friends for me. the mature me knows deep down i gotta let the guy do whatever he needs to do. (i of all people understand what supporting one's dreams really means.)  i need to shut my hole known as a mouth and accept that what is meant to be will be...

the little devil sitting on my shoulder keeps asking me if this is the right thing to do though. i mean lorenz tate didn't say ANYTHING in love jones when nia long went to ny to see what was up with her ex fiance. it caused drama that led to nia hooking up with bill bellamy... i can't hook up with bill bellamy ya'll!!!


"There ain't no substitute for the truth
Either it is or isn't
(Cause he is the truth)
You see the truth it needs no proof
Either it is or it isn't"


we went to see a psychic together. she took us each individually. afterwards we went to lunch to discuss what the other had heard. over portuguese food, he told me how this woman had told him three major things...first he would keep the job he was worried about losing. second, more money would start coming to him..and third, that him and i had this special love that wouldn't be broken. 

she broke down all kinds of truth to me...how i care for him, what i do for him...crazy.


mind you, we're not officially a couple. on paper--just friends. she told him all of that and not even a month later the first two have come true for him. so i wonder now...about the man i think i know so well...i wonder what he's thinking in that head of his and if he believes that third truth or not. 

"Cause he is the truth
Said he is so real
And I love the way that he makes me feel
And if I am a reflection of him then I must be fly because
His light it shines so bright"



i'm gonna continue with the "sitting back and being patient" thang. if it's meant to be, it will be...

all i know for sure is i dig the guy. did i mention that already? (smiles) songs started making sense, i'd smile randomly at my desk and then giggle remembering some sweet nothing. 


so that's my story...my heart is exposed once again. and like i thought, it felt good to release.


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