esoteric

12.04.2009
oh this post is a long time coming...

you only thought i've been capable of blabbing my guts out. i've been sitting on some pretty deep and heavy stuff for a while now and i think it's finally time to share.

here's the story: i got sad. then bad stuff started flowing into my world and before i knew it, i was drowning in stresses that i couldn't see my way out of. everyone gets sad. everyone feels stressed at some point in their life. when you're depressed your stresses are magnified and at the same time your ginormous problems are growing in front of your very eyes, you're also emotionally drained and incapble of fighting back. you no longer have the strength to deal and THAT'S when things start to get scary.

work layoffs were constant talk in my department. i developed an inconvenient crush. i started having anxiety attacks every time someone mentioned my marathon training...my friend lost her father. another friend lost her father. i sank more and more...

so my strong totally awesome j rescued me. one day at work i sat there bawling my eyes out, unable to deal or fight anymore. she picked up the phone and called my doctor and yelled at him and drove home the fact that he was enabling a troublesome sadness that he shouldn't be enabling. the test results i had been anxiously waiting for all week spilled out of his mouth. i didn't have thyroid issues. that day my buddy saved me. that day i made my first appointment with a therapist.

turned out therapy isn't as bad as i initially thought after my first session. (i was so disappointed it wasn't like the show in treatment.) i'm a pretty open person so i didn't know how talking more was gonna somehow be different with a stranger, but peggy dawling (that's what i secretly call her) is really good at sensing my awkward pauses of discomfort...she'll start telling me stories, shower me with lessons to ponder and give me little home work sessions. she's a good teacher and i don't feel like i have to fill the awkward silences with my big mouth. no entertaining necessary. she pointed out that i'm a people pleaser (this isn't so shocking) so my first round of business was going to the bathroom at work. sounds silly sally simple right? i'm the kinda chick that will sit there holding it for the entire day because i don't want anyone waiting on me for something...makes your bladder throb just thinking about it, doesn't it?

there's obviously more though. lots of people see a therapist. you were probably questioning why i even thought it was a big deal. that's not the big huge "oh my" though...the big thing was after telling my doc that i was blah about life...that i hadn't cried in weeks because i was numb...that food was so blah to me i didn't feel like eating...that i couldn't find the joys i used to find so easily anymore, she told me i needed to consider medication. things got quiet on the couch and then i told her i had been thinking the same.

and so now i'm three days in. some my wonder why i wrote this. according to my therapist (i both twitch saying this phrase out loud and dig saying it simultaneously) it's ok to talk about depression. sometimes it finds you and you don't have to remain mum.

i was scared to write this...i was scared because i was still in the muck of the bad stuff and it's hard to write or talk about it when you're in it because it scares you more...makes you feel more hopeless because you're actually focusing on it. now that i'm feeling more like myself i can write to my long fingers' content. some are so quick to judge, but i have some friends out there that deserve to know they're not alone. i have others that deserve recognition for keeping me whole from hundreds of miles away. it's those friends that silence the finger pointers.

so now my confidential couch moments are yours for the reading. do with them as you will.

2 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you've taken the first step towards feeling better!! Hang in there, Tishy!

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  2. Tish, I really think it's courageous that you took the step to go see a therapist and are willing to consider and take medication. I've been in treatment for my OCD now for nearly eight years and there are times, even though it has proven to work for me, that I avoid going to appointments because I just don't want to deal with all of it. So, kudos to you for taking the hardest step: the first one! It's going to get better, you're going to learn great tools and coping skills for life that will help you in other ways, and you're going to know that when you need it, you're able to ask for help, a strength many of us view erroneously as a weakness.

    Also, the more people talk about their struggles with anxiety and depression, the less stigma we'll all have and the more willing people who need help will be able to get it. I try to be very open about the fact that I'm someone living with a chronic illness, and that just because it's mental/neurological based doesn't make it any less "real" and impacting. The more people can see what someone struggling with this kind of stuff actually looks like (like everyone else, in fact, but a bit more worried or sad or "blah", sometimes), the better. So keep sharing, if it's what works for you for now, cause it helps all of us.

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