blue moon lessons

apparently there's a blue moon tonight...

they only appear every 50 years or something like that. fitting being that it's the end of THE bluest period of my life to date. (picasso's blue period ain't got nothing on me!)

i read every one's year in reviews and i scratch my head. i kinda missed the happy boat this year. it actually makes perfect sense to me that a blue moon will punctuate 2009.

personally i think it's a sign from above. "yes tish...your year was shitty, but it's over. time to start new...what do you say?!"

i say surviving a shitty year and still being around to tell my best friend, " i want to be strong and tough but still hopeful and nice. i want to be able to let people in. i don't want to be scared. i want to have drive and ambition and be what everyone keeps telling me that i am but can't believe--a light that makes my immediate world a better place...genuinely." is pretty good. i'm thankful i still have it in me.

every once in a blue moon gumption hits apparently...

ps i've decided 2010 i'll do less more daily doses. i've learned a lesson from the blue moon. people dig randoms more than least in the a.d.d. world of blog readers. blue moon lesson #1

pinky swear

being a creature of habit, i have to set resolutions and clean the cobwebs of my crazy mind and heart at the end of each year. superstition forces me to be a good soldier. i make sure my spot is clean...all the junk has been thrown away to make room for the good my bills so debt doesn't follow me into a new get the drift.

2009 has been whack. lol ( has!) i'm glad to see it go. out with the old, in with the new!

because my inner pollyanna is pulling on my shirt for her turn to cut loose, i'll try to keep this positive.

things to luv, remember and carry over to 2010:

writing, good books, a runner's high, seeing muscles pop out of my olive oil arms, noise cancelling earphones, knowing this here kidult still yearns for toys--preferably the kindle, watching my best buds dog look at me like i'm the craziest ish she's ever seen and then lick her hoo hoo to avoid further bewilderment.

these loves represent who i am...i'm nerdy, a sucker for heart palpitations, a traveler of sorts, a fit bottomed chica who will always refer to herself as a kidult. i'm grouchy and yes, goofy.

and finally the resolutions:

work on self love, finish my book, write more for FBGs, fight to remain open and light hearted and of course run a marathon.

happy new year

a gut feeling

yesterday i stressed myself out royally worrying about what i had to accomplish in one day. i needed to finish sending mp4's to my buddy in kansas city so he could put together 15 cds for me for a christmas thing a group of friends do every year (yeah, i kind of dropped the ball on that one.) i needed to get in a 4 mile run. i needed to not kill anyone at work and i needed to be on time for my appointment with peggy dawling.

i got in a good run, didn't kill anyone and right as i was on my way to check off the next list item, jersey texted and asked if i wanted to join him for this seminar thing he got free tickets to. i don't know why i agreed to go, but something told me i needed to. (weird right?)

instead of peggy i opted for a shower and spontaneity i guess. to make a long story short i ended up at this sylvia brown (psychic) thing. i had no clue who this woman was but the minute jersey explained who she was i knew i was meant to hear something important. if folks wanted, they could pick up a raffle ticket and if they were chosen, could ask her a question. i kept getting pushed and moved out of the line but i finally got one, only to lose it once inside. i had just about given up when ole boy suggested i look in my back pocket (where i never stick crap) and of course it was there...for some reason the numbers had just kept jumping out at me and i knew i had to find the ticket.

when the time came of course she chose me out of hundreds of people. my heart raced as i walked to the front of the amphitheater and asked my question...

i don't know if i believe all much of our lives are much is based on what we want and what we go for, but it was eery how it all worked out. i knew i'd be chosen...had no clue what i'd ask but out popped the question and then out popped her answer. jersey got it on tape (that was pretty cool of him.)

i wonder if it's all meant to that stuff real? did i know 2278 would be chosen? why did i hear what i heard? these questions will plague me for a little bit. thoughts? opinions?

lol. i'll definitely be googling her. fascinating woman...

(i give thee, "the tish footage". that's montell williams on the right.)

zeal of a fanatic

so i’m reading this novel by zadie smith…one of my favorite authors and i’m totally back into novel appreciation mode…back to loving words and ideas again. i’ve been running around so hard (literally and metaphorically speaking) i haven’t had much time to sit back and think.

holiday travel really helped in the “make time to think” department though. (sad when you don't have time to think lol)

yesterday i sat and pondered the significance of “going home” and what that really means. by calling middle earth home, i’m insinuating that la is alien,yet it is indeed life as i know it. i need to accept that, right? i’m a dreamer—forever have my head up in the clouds...yeah, definitely need to acceptla is it for now. lol.

there’s a fundamental question brewing because of all this back and forth in my noggin: is one more likely to get hit over the head with the fruits of the present if they stare at the roots of their past for too long? the present demands our attention…gotta come to terms with the three conundrums of life (past, present, and future) maybe if i work on accepting my past (in moderation) it’ll help me appreciate the current me a little better. (because then i can stop looking back scrutinizing the mess out of it!)

this all stems from trying to figure out what my new years resolutions will be in 2010. (in case you were wondering where "tish the deep one" came from)

my current present state consists of friends, job, writing, and marathon training. naming them is the first step…

i'm gonna allow myself to be a fanatic about the good stuff i have going on right now. plain and simple...or at least i hope it is.


just a couple of pics from yesterday...

75th street brewery: sisters and one goof ball in the background

buds & beer

post 12 mile run. those smoothies j made were the BOMB (spinach, banana, cherry, strawberry, chocolate protein powder goodness)

mr perfect: the husband looks like he should be in santa monica playing a jason mraz cover :)

buddy system

j and i have done quite well being virtual training buddies in 2009. we've gotten through a half marathon and now we've completed weeks and WEEKS of marathon training. she runs in middle earth (kc, mo) and i in los angeles and that's life...was life.

yesterday we had the rare opportunity to do a long run together. for 12 miles we ran side-by-side and it rocked like whoa. figured out in those 2 hours that we'll rock the marathon together that occurs in two weeks. TWO WEEKS!!!

i was so happy about it i allowed myself to have beer (which if you've read any of my previous blogs you know i don't fact i've been craving the ish but the devil brew makes my runs drag balls) we went to this brewery that we usually hit up at least once when i visit and got happy and ate lots of MEAT. after a run like that meat is my friend.

of course i caught the worst case of insomnia because of all that crap but it worked out since jersey was driving home late and apparently so was my kid sister. i made the perfect late night worry wart.

i've had about 2 hours of sleep (mmmm feels good). tishy will be a snoring queen on planes today.

i say it's worth it. it doesn't get much betta than hanging with fam and friends. love the buddy system man...

christmas day

christmas day rocked!

we slept in. sorry...this seems like a small thang but it is definitely bigger than a chicken wang folks. my fam wakes at 6 am's hell on earth so sleeping in until 10 something...then watching flicks...casually opening gifts up and chillin to the 10th power was my cup of tea.

we made sure to keep up the movie tradition though, so we all loaded up in vehicles and went and saw avatar in 3D. it ROCKED and the whole fam loved it. afterwards nina and i pretended to be avatars--complete with hissing sounds and jumping on our winged animals. yeah...we're cool like that. (kidults for life!)

and that was it...the rest of the night consisted of christmas movies, trivial pursuit and talks.

funny my dad says maybe 10 words to me in a year (i kid you not...he's a quiet man...oh the irony of having me for a daughter!) so he makes coffee christmas morning and we're the only two up so i start talking to him about my current dating situations...if i'm too nice, not nice enough, etc. i kid you not...the man gives me THE BEST life lesson based on a bud light "too hot, too cold" commercial he currently loves. lol..."keep it in the middle tish"

that's my kinda family talk totally made sense. gotta love that man.

all in all, it was good times with the family. i got really emotional when we pulled away from my waving mother. there's just something about my family that brings out the best and worst (hee hee) but definitely the heart in me. i leave my heart in springfield. who would have ever thunk that!?

it snowed!

we appear in all our embarrassing glory on every tree mom found out stephen wears boxers to bed, thus THIS present was born. i've never seen those two kids that embarrassed. lol the kinkiest christmas EVER!

this woman is the biggest kid i know. now you know where my goofiness comes from

3D movies ROCK!

i like to squeeze the hiney!!! i've been squeezing my mo's tush since i was a kid. (makes me happy) she likes to slap my hands away, wiggle away and scream at me that i'm weird...this little dance we do makes my heart pitter patter.

christmas eve recap

my christmas gift this year was my fam bam and boy was i loving it up.

wednesday i ran my 8 miles and then got on a red eye that led me first to dallas and then to kc. i hung with my gram, auntie and granny for a couple hours and then my sisters and brother in law hopped in the jeep wrangler (beep! beep! who's got the keys to the jeep?) to drive the 3 hours to springfield to visit the parental units.

we listened to "a very special sedaris christmas" laughed and caught up on life. nina's still my wild child free spirit, an's happily married and stephen is still THE sweetest guy in the world. the youngins introduced me to noah earl (new musician they're buds with) as well as some "epic" tunage called lcd sound system. the whipper snappers keep me fresh yo!

it was the sweet good life. my kinda road trips mos def.

my mom seriously had 7 trees in our house. when i say my mo is a christmas crackhead, i'm not lying...the woman makes my heart go pitter patter. there was a christmas tree in the bathroom yo!

we chowed down on my mom's totally yummy chili when we arrived. home cooked's what's for dinner

so we totally ran up to the neighbors house on accident, rang the doorbell and my two sisters looked at these folks like "you're not tom & sue" totally funny. the neighbors got a kick out of it. sad...must really come home more often. what children go to the wrong house?!

the sisssies chillin in the back of the jeep. i love these gals

the lights will inspire you

there's just something about going to look at christmas lights. this year i got to see them with the guy who makes me swoon (that is when he's not suggesting i walk in the frickin cold rain!)

there are moments when you feel like you're this crazy weird person that no one will ever understand. then you hop in a car with someone and you go down candy cane lane and you hear the guy singing christmas carols and saying "ooooh! oooh!" every time we hit a jackpot house and you know the encyclopedia of you has been found.

you lift weights like a GIRL!

oh i've been a little sneaky work out beast this year.

you may have noticed that i've been doing stories here and there for a while back the ladies with the fit rumps asked me to check out this pink gym boutique.

while my inner tomboy twitched immensely i found out that it wasn't really that bad...

check it out yo! PINK IRON

blue woman

ok so i have to be honest with ya...

for months i'd see the durn previews for avatar (no spoilers!!!) and i'd roll my eyes. it just didn't look appealing to me at all...

mind you i did not know that mr cameron wrote the durn thing...had been working on it since titanic and basically this was his little baby in cinematic form.

i think that would have perked my ears at least a tiny bit. i'm all for people with passions.

i am not a demanding person. i don't throw temper tantrums, this time i have to be a brat though. you HAVE to go see this movie. if you do not i shall pluck out each one of your nose hairs one by one and feed them to your first born.

seriously though, it'll change you. it'll make you see the world in a different'll make you want to also be a 10 foot tall woman who says "you should not be here..." i have to add that i'm pretty good at this impersonation of neytiri (the blue chick). i mean she is an amazonian ginormous skinny tall lanky chick...sound familiar? i'm pretty sure james cameron saw me on the street and decided i'd be the muse for his creative vision.

today on the treadmill i fully grasped the idea of my muse-y qualities when i started flashing my long e.t. fingers around. i'm so's not even funny. where is my bow and arrow?!

anyways...i digress.

the movie was seriously amazing. i wasn't the only one sitting on the edge of my seat--face full of wonder. jersey was seriously glued to the screen man. ole boy can do a pretty awesome na'vi (the avatar peeps) call. for this reason alone he gets a gold star for the year.

i couldn't sleep after seeing it. my mind just wanted to play with all the images and ideas and concepts and beauty. mr terminator director out did himself...surprisingly. seriously wasn't expecting that kind of awesome-ness at all.

see it. luv it. let me know so we can share in the blue woman luv.

only an angel

i'm touched.

when life is hard and i start to question if i have any significance at all for being on this darn planet, a wonderful dear person in my life springs forward to let me know i've made a ripple in their pond.
a new friend of mine hit me up on facebook a couple of weeks ago asking for my address. i assumed she'd be sending out the traditional christmas cards that pop up in the mail around this time each year. you can guess my surprise when i opened this BEAUTIFUL book with a lovely note explaining why she sent it.

it truly is the little things in life that make my heart swell and seriously that's the best feeling on earth. it can get me thru car troubles, crazy hectic work schedules, bad marathon training days...these little gestures of thoughtful kindness keep my heart pumping out the joyful stuff.

i'd like to thank my librarian twin for such a wonderful means the world to me.

da vinci code


it was the hardest secret kept thru the century. well at least it seemed like a century to little ole me. i LOVE finding the perfect gifts for folks. that doesn't always mean that the recipient GETS the significance of the gift at hand, so my joy increases exponentially when the givee actually geeks out over what i give them.

in july i started conspiring to give one of my favorite peoples in the world, jersey, something that i knew he would love. he's a sporto and a half and would marry the sport of snowboarding if it was legal in california so i spoke with a buddy--this totally awesome and might i add well-known artist--and asked if he could paint on a board if i found one. he one upped me and said he'd do better and get me the whole shebang. so for months i've been sitting on this totally awesome secret. this past weekend jersey started scaring the heck out of me...he was searching for boards online...looking at magazines so the eager punk got his gift early because i was terrified he was buying himself a new board.

he looked like a frickin kid his eyes were so big. that was the face i was hoping for. don't you just love this season?!

behold my own personal holy grail unveiled:

the board had to be tested after this...we drove an hour to a mountain and let him play to his little heart's content

ole boy immediately starts playing

merry christmas!

method to the madness

for years ladies our ears have been cursed. we've been forced to listen to men cry, whimper and moan about how girls go for the bad boys...that nice guys finish last...blah blah blah

it's hogwash for sure and now i can prove it! mwahahaa...

so it was bree and i's annual christmas exchange last night. we met up over my house, did the gift thing, did the hot cocoa thing, then decided the cocoa thing was too much for our delicate natures so we drove over to my favorite grub spot. (the restaurant inside the arclight theater)

as we grubbed on yumminess we did what we do best...we gabbed about guys,work, and the arts. we always do this and i always learn some fascinating new tidbit. last night was no exception.

while eating a divine turkey cranberry wrap bree layed it on a sister. it has nothing to do with wanting a bad has nothing to do with wanting a guy to treat us like pooh. it has EVERYTHING to do with smell. you got that? smell! and it's true. a light bulb went off in me.

the two "perfect on paper" guys smell like nuthin to me. in fact, the two men who everyone thinks i should mate and make sweet babies with, both lack scent. nada there... the one who i'm giddy all day err day for smells like "clean". i can't describe it...he just smells clean...i feel like he's hung himself up to air dry on a heavenly clothes line. he smells of sunshine and air. i love it.

my ex fiance smelled like baby and that bought him a good couple of years. one ex smelled like sandalwood...then he started eating onions 24/7 and that's when the relationship soured (no pun intended) bree and her bud are on to something fantastic here!!!

it's old school you see...we're going back to cave women sensibilities. the nose knows!

disclaimer: these are NOT the two "perfect on paper" fellows. just a simple picture that captures the face i make when experiencing the pain and agony of dating. sorry d! you know i got luv for ya buddy!

unique unicorn

a project for 2010:

according to b i am a walking, talking anomaly. i am the only person she has ever met who is free from conceit. (but not in a good way) i have the weirdest self esteem known to woman. this esteem is sadder than an intentional mullet, more powerful than a candle votive... able to destroy a compliment in a single bound. (sad attempt at a superman reference...slap me now.)

this my friends is why i'm special (when friends tell me i'm special i like to switch it up and say i'm a unique unicorn...somehow i don't think this is what they intended.)

honestly though, i just never really got down with looking in the mirror and thinking my ish was the bomb diggidy. hence my resolution for 2010...

she said i should get to a point where i look in the mirror and say "dang you're beautiful..." but no sooner had those words passed from her mouth, she started busting a gut laughing. it's silliness. mirror talk...i tell you what.

woman in the mirror aside, it's good to rock a bit of self appreciation. helps with dating that's for dang skippy. honestly i look at women that have gushing guys (or gals) and i sigh with envy. i feel a tiny bit that someone claiming you as their own proves just how swell you are (as opposed to the internal mirror talk stuff). this is big honest food for thought i'm dishing out right now. yes...the feminist in me knows this is secret talk that you don't share because it makes you look like a doofus but since i identify and DO doofus on a daily basis this wasn't much of a deterrent for me.

my two besties rock at thinking they're the ish (in a good way). that gumption gene never really kicked in for me unfortunately. funny...i just received an oprah email saying how to love your looks without surgery yadda yadda...oprah has the gene. if oprah has the gene then i need to get the gene! (i do what oprah says....that's what oprah-phites do.)

i'm hoping i can correct some of this loco logic in 2010. otherwise i'm doomed to be a catless cat lady. and frankly that is way sadder than an intentional mullet.

doofus turns divine...2010
word to your mother!


i found out yesterday that my lovely fan story i submitted to a former jayhawk will be published in his swell book.

you can purchase my words on i receive zilch nada kwan (aka cash) from this plug. i'm just really stoked when anything i write goes public. (now you understand my need to blog like my life depends upon it?...)

i must go now. my groupies await autographs and the chance to feed me grapes.

it's a hard life...but someone has to write about it.

ups stalking

i'm kind of upset with the guys in brown right now. for the last couple of days i have raced home (ten times more banchee than i usually am) in the hopes that my darling package i've been waiting for all my life and then some would arrive.

it has yet to do so.

in the mean time, i've sped. i've done a crazy u turn that didn't quite turn all the way (darn blasted car!) that ALMOST got me killed from two different directions. i've ran through my parking garage. i've checked my phones to make sure they're working. i've checked my little tracking device like the stalking chick that i knew i could always be.

in a nutshell...the girl's gone crazy.

sigh...i don't know what to do. all i know is i want my stinkin' package yo*. i want it like yesterday and i think it's super duper mean of the boys in brown to keep me waiting.

i have a bone to pick with them. just cross your fingers folks and hope to christmas that i don't add to the scary list above : )

*shortly after finishing this post i received a glorious email on mikimoto (my cell phone people) telling me my package was waiting for me outside my door. people you can rest assured that my banchee behavior will finally simmer down.

tis the season for giving

i love giving gifts...there's just something about going into a store with the intention to make someone squeal with joy once they see that you've taken the time to care.

today i went to the grove in the hopes of shopping and enjoying the holiday ambiance. it's always so beautiful in that little shopping oasis. there's a train decked out in christmas gear that goes through the grounds... a farmer's market with yummy crazy eclectic food stands and shops galore.

i picked up most of my goodies today, played with an adorable puppy that i so wish i could have adopted(she kept biting my curls and i swooned), ate a yummy crepe...stole some of my bud's waffle banana walnut stuff, watched a great flick at the movie theater there and basically just had a ball.

i'm excited for christmas this year. i know money's hard and we're all forced to be a bit more savvy, but that hasn't stolen my christmas joy. it's the little thoughtfuls that have me twirling in my bedroom tonight.

i'm an exhausted happy chick. merry christmas...can't wait to blab to folks all the goodies i thought up for folks...mwahahaha

artsy fartsy

i've returned to my happy's a place where one can hear miles davis blowing from outside my bedroom walls on a sunday morning. it's been an artsy fartsy weekend filled with theater and self reflection...perfect music while i write this recap.

i have this bud named bree who works as a stage manager for this totally naughty yet charming theater joint down in hollywood near the arclight. note (the name of the joint) is consistently putting out wild stuff. when it gets super duper wild, bree sends word that i must see...or suffer the consequences of her vengeful wrath so last night i hopped in my car and mosied on down to the little theater that could.

the play was amazing. it was this coming of age story about 5 kids who have just graduated high school. the summer before they leave for college they experience
all this crazy stuff...alien abductions (LOL!), talks of couple status, going away for college...leaving friends. it was touching and had me teary-eyed in parts, laughing in others and because i'm truthful, immature as HECK in others. i swear to the kiwi gods i wasn't expecting to see boy pee pee or girl hoo hoo but that's exactly what i saw and i immediately made this face:
i'm sure i annoyed the living snot out of the totally mature and art savvy couple in front of me (i giggled a bit) but i cared not. I SAW BOY PEE PEE! check it out: ole boy and chick are on the're led to believe they've just finished doing the horizontal polka...he reaches underneath the blanket and pulls off a condom...i'm thinking they're doing a good job of making it look like they're naked and stuff under the blanket when all of a sudden ole boy stands up and out pops the tishy face. (re-enactment pic above)

sigh lol...i'll never grow up. promise.

that wasn't the reason i loved it though...the play was sweet. it reminded me of the click i had in high we all grew up and grew apart (well besides my darling j and i) it reminded me of love and looking forward to the future...

i forgot just how much i need the arts.

it was a great saturday night...


it's saturday morning. i sit on my living room couch, hoodie on, chick flick on the boob tube appreciating the life i have. j is texting me about where she is on her 14 mile run and i giggle at her take on twilight (she does the book on tape thing when she runs.) life is good. it's a perfect time to reflect on my awesome friday night:

while my heart will always belong to suburban living, i've officially reserved a soft spot for the city.

last night, in the cold rain, i threw on my long black coat and some boots and headed to the area of los angeles that never sleeps. no palm trees...just tall buildings, yuppy boys and girls looking for the next happy hour and crazy crackheads that direct folks how to parallel park their cars for spare change.

la--the city--is a bit magical. it's a little new york (tiny bit) a little chicago...there's grand architecture and tiled's dark and grimy; there's tons of character and i love it.

the city isn't something i visit frequently though. i've definitely picked up a loathing reluctance to driving more than 10 miles in this gosh forsaken town but mr. downtown--a friend that goes back to my first year in los angeles when i lived in eagle rock with my former professor--resides here and was complaining of driving to the valley after just returning from a vegas business trip. i decided to be fair just this one and only time.

ahhh mr downtown...he's seriously the guy i'd want to be if i were a dude. he lives in this dream layer downtown (hence the name)...handsome furniture, art he painted himself, simple, cozy and pimptastic. (seriously chicks don't have to worry about coming in and adding a woman's touch...he's quite impressive.)

i showed up ready to grub and out walks mr impeccably dressed, charcoal scarfed guys guy and ladies man. (like i said i'd want to be him if i were a dude.)

we take the elevator down and walk the streets until we arrive at this beautiful restaurant called bottega louie. beautifully young, hip and trendy people mingled in the charming atmosphere as waiters carried wine and eggplant fries above their heads.

we dined on THE best margarita pizza i've ever tasted, the eggplant fries, sauteed spinach and this tasty little ravioli with pea was heaven. i had my first glass of wine (i can't tell you how long it's been...darn training) and we laughed and caught up thru the evening.

for dessert we had berries & cream plus pineapple sorbet that almost produced a happy tear. it was the perfect taste...

i fell in love with bottega louie. it's one of those smart restaurants where friends' true colors can come's loud but sophisticated, charming and intoxicating. you just feel a little more interesting and pretty once you walk through the doors.

the city was my fresh breath of air from my normal routine. i love the small gifts that pop up every so often. even more than that, i love that these small gifts are so readily available...good stuff lies just down the freeway...mingling down below underneath the buildings and lights.

doughnut made me do it

it's no secret that i've associated running lately with pain and insanity (to put it mildly)...i would have nasty anxiety attacks thinking about all the hours i'd be in my head while my body was pounding out the run and on top of that, i hurt my foot so it wasn't happy, happy joy, joy time for sure.

i realized i had to work through this ish though in order to survive my very first marathon (which is in four weeks!!!) so i've been slowly building back up my runs...seeing how far i can push my foot before it starts shooting pains up my shin.

yesterday was some one's birthday at work which meant the doughnut nazis were pushing sugar hell in my face all day. i've never had a big sweet tooth (my mom told me veggies were candy when i was a kid. by the time i was old enough to know she was a big fat liar i had developed cravings similar to sweet tooth cravings to the green stuff.) so yeah...never had a sweet tooth really...except i kinda love jelly-filled doughnuts. the WORST one you can have in that awful box.

so yesterday i broke down at 3:30 pm and had a third of one (gave the big half to my cubby buddy ian...aren't i a gem?) the sugar raced through my body and immediately turned me into a crackhead. (think mike meyers and the snl skit where he's had too much chocolate)

i knew at the moment my veins began to burn that i had to run it off or i'd be wiggy so i took my keister down to the gym and started rockin out on a treadmill.

9 miles later i felt like a running rock star. it was the first "happy" run i've done the whole training period. i wasn't tired. i wasn't anxious and crazy...i was just running along...working out to do lists in my head and thinking about the date i'd have later that evening.

sometimes even evil, devilish doughnuts can have their day in worship land. without that problematic pastry i would have more than likely pushed the run to today (naughty...)

i don't recommend a doughnut as a good source of energy before a run by any means (you'll pass out on mile one!) just saying...incentive comes in the most unlikely of places.

heads will roll

i spent 30 minutes last night searching for my favorite (and might i add mandatory) christmas flicks and i couldn't find nada.

where's the "all i want for christmas",the "scrooged", and "a christmas carol"?!

i see buku advertisements to buy, buy, buy all the time, but there's jack diddly squat stuff involving a darn tree and some santa. (and those stupid lifetime christmas romance things don't count!!!)


hot chocolate and candy canes just don't work without them...

is this some cosmic hint that i need to grow up? cuz it's not working. my inner child was throwing THE gnarliest temper tantrum when realization set in. lip out, the works. think it's time to visit

beach babble

it's a sure bet that you will encounter some interesting folks when visiting beach communities...

last weekend i visited my cousin shell bell down @ the beach. when i walked into her abode her bud (hippidy dippidy twin) greeted me and from there the interesting conversations started.

h.d. twin started talking to me about government boo boos...conspiracy theories abounded.

  • the center of the earth is actually hollow and the nazis knew this and now have land in antarctica that surrounds the hole they drilled. in this core lives aliens (one named krell) and while we thought they were peaceful and just wanted to take our dna peacefully, they were caught with human body parts in their ship (area 51) and now are on our shit list.
  • there are things called chem trails in the sky that top secret planes are emitting on purpose. these chem trails are filled with metal bad stuff that is giving people lung cancer. the purpose of the trails...information is transmitted with the help of these smoke trails to satellites...somehow this makes it possible for areas to be obliterated at will with a push of a button. i lost him in parts on this one because i started sipping the most delightful fruit carbonated beverage. i'm easily distracted.
  • last but not least (this one might have some tiny truth according to peggy dawling...but tiny) is birth control pills may be misleading women into choosing inappropriate mates. because the pill tricks women into thinking they're preggo, it can also trick women into thinking the dude they're with is the one since he's the faux knocker upper.
never a dull conversation...

it's such a great adventure meeting such interesting characters with such entertaining stories to tell. honestly the twin had me a bit scared that night lol...i blame part of that on my hour drive down and lack of sleep. he's this dreamy fellow who gets answers from looking into the sun, reading everything and going to a crazy amount of lectures and seminars.

and while i won't be looking into the sun anytime soon, i commend the fact that he took the time to tell me what melts his butter and revs his engines. he did tell me one thing that i what's in your medication. he told me how a doctor gave his father syringes containing pig intestines to thin his blood (stuff that's giving people e coli) the labels people. spinach, garlic...there might be alternatives.

random switch up: i'm catching up on blogs and came across THIS. reminded me of the pill theory...see how stuff sticks in your brain and gives you interesting connections to blog about later? uncanny...

hocus pocus

sometimes i find random things on the internet that i have to share with friends.

THIS is what started the below madness:

me: are you magical?

jersey: no

me: but your hair stands straight up

jersey: it's cause im asian

me: lol...maybe your race makes you magical. ever think of that?
maybe when you create magic and disappear magical sweet rice is left in your path lol

jersey: you're so weird.

west coast con

all my friends back home are doing it. the christmas bug has hit and they're decorating trees, putting up lights...they're getting into the holiday season. this is quite fascinating. i wonder if it's the snow that knocks folks into shape.maybe the booty-shivering shivers are what alert the masses to get into the holiday spirit. that's my guess considering la hasn't caught on that it's december...los angeles has no clue it's christmas time.

while friends back east complained of snow over the weekend, i was driving down the 405 to the beach. i saw not one christmas light set up or santa coco cola billboard. when i got to the land that drops off into the ocean my cousin and her buds took me out to a sushi place where folks were actually sitting outside and eating. it was brisk, don't get me wrong...cold enough to make me walk faster, BUT there were people sitting outside yo!

this lack of christmas stuff can really mess with a certified christmas junky. i was twitching on the way home so i made a pact with myself that if i could knock out some good work on my book then i could blast some holiday tunes and decorate. turns out that consisted of a stocking and one tiny tree so i pulled out the big guns to shake me into christmas land. i watched miracle on 34th street. (it's a must-see every year for me.) i drank hot cocoa and wore furry socks.

it's a start. don't be surprised if i create fake snow angels in the living room soon...

i know this is an ongoing battle, but it's one that this gal is willing to take on.


oh this post is a long time coming...

you only thought i've been capable of blabbing my guts out. i've been sitting on some pretty deep and heavy stuff for a while now and i think it's finally time to share.

here's the story: i got sad. then bad stuff started flowing into my world and before i knew it, i was drowning in stresses that i couldn't see my way out of. everyone gets sad. everyone feels stressed at some point in their life. when you're depressed your stresses are magnified and at the same time your ginormous problems are growing in front of your very eyes, you're also emotionally drained and incapble of fighting back. you no longer have the strength to deal and THAT'S when things start to get scary.

work layoffs were constant talk in my department. i developed an inconvenient crush. i started having anxiety attacks every time someone mentioned my marathon friend lost her father. another friend lost her father. i sank more and more...

so my strong totally awesome j rescued me. one day at work i sat there bawling my eyes out, unable to deal or fight anymore. she picked up the phone and called my doctor and yelled at him and drove home the fact that he was enabling a troublesome sadness that he shouldn't be enabling. the test results i had been anxiously waiting for all week spilled out of his mouth. i didn't have thyroid issues. that day my buddy saved me. that day i made my first appointment with a therapist.

turned out therapy isn't as bad as i initially thought after my first session. (i was so disappointed it wasn't like the show in treatment.) i'm a pretty open person so i didn't know how talking more was gonna somehow be different with a stranger, but peggy dawling (that's what i secretly call her) is really good at sensing my awkward pauses of discomfort...she'll start telling me stories, shower me with lessons to ponder and give me little home work sessions. she's a good teacher and i don't feel like i have to fill the awkward silences with my big mouth. no entertaining necessary. she pointed out that i'm a people pleaser (this isn't so shocking) so my first round of business was going to the bathroom at work. sounds silly sally simple right? i'm the kinda chick that will sit there holding it for the entire day because i don't want anyone waiting on me for something...makes your bladder throb just thinking about it, doesn't it?

there's obviously more though. lots of people see a therapist. you were probably questioning why i even thought it was a big deal. that's not the big huge "oh my" though...the big thing was after telling my doc that i was blah about life...that i hadn't cried in weeks because i was numb...that food was so blah to me i didn't feel like eating...that i couldn't find the joys i used to find so easily anymore, she told me i needed to consider medication. things got quiet on the couch and then i told her i had been thinking the same.

and so now i'm three days in. some my wonder why i wrote this. according to my therapist (i both twitch saying this phrase out loud and dig saying it simultaneously) it's ok to talk about depression. sometimes it finds you and you don't have to remain mum.

i was scared to write this...i was scared because i was still in the muck of the bad stuff and it's hard to write or talk about it when you're in it because it scares you more...makes you feel more hopeless because you're actually focusing on it. now that i'm feeling more like myself i can write to my long fingers' content. some are so quick to judge, but i have some friends out there that deserve to know they're not alone. i have others that deserve recognition for keeping me whole from hundreds of miles away. it's those friends that silence the finger pointers.

so now my confidential couch moments are yours for the reading. do with them as you will.

brain leaks

christmas litmus test

the mother texted me last night to tell me the father was watching the grinch. you may be thinking so what...and! but whenever t.k. hits play and the green guy pops up on the screen the ladies in my family know it is officially christmas time.

you see men don't do christmas early. men don't partake in christmas giddy. men follow the seasonal mo on the other hand is a christmas crackhead. she wears the elf hat, she puts up the tree, she puts the "santa ho ho ho, inside oh oh oh" toilet seat cover on and she would do this madness in july if you let her.

therefore we wait for the green guy. when i hear about the rotten mr grinch i know it's just in case you didn't get the point of the story...IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!

oprah update

oprah's doing a 12 days of christmas sweepstakes...and the grand prize winner gets tickets to her every day after work i race home and like any good worshipper i get on my computer and enter my ish for the day.

i feel it in my bones. i got this. there's a seat in her audience meant for me. wait for it...wait for it.

harmony of the ninja

over the holiday weekend i saw a delightfully heart felt flick called ninja assassins.

seeing cute boy do yoga handstand on a bed of nails...well that's my cup of tea by george! i realize that men roll their eyes when we do the "cute butt" thing know what i'm talking about, right? the thing some gals do when they watch totally testosterone tv...the men are yelling and the women are tilting their heads sideways thinking hubba hubba nice tush...

well i totally did that and i am not ashamed.

yes, the movie was good. there was some cheese ball corny town dialog at times, but overall it was up there with kill bill on awesome bloody martial arts and the ninja toys were SWEET. d and i were rolling back and forth admiring all the gruesome awesomeness...talked about that mess for days.

it was all that and a bag of hotty mchottington. wha?...can't a gal have both? call it balance. call it a story of the girl who humored both her inner male brain and her inner gal brain. call it ninja yin & yang.

down with frenzy

i moved at crackhead speed for pretty much the whole frickin day yesterday. i came, i sat, i kunta-ed, blinked and it was time to leave.

i'm pretty sure every darn first monday after a holiday is tragically terrible like yesterday was, but i've blocked that mess out apparently cuz today i wasn't prepared. i wigged. i wigged a lot.

i also ran out of work...i ran to my car...i ran to my doctor's appointment and then i slowed the heck down. i ran some some groceries and came home to a freshly cleaned apartment (my roomie has a cleaning lady come once every two weeks...i frolic in the perks that spill over into tishy land.)

i made a nice little multi-grain penne pasta disharoo and a salad. i drank pear merlot juice and had mango for dessert. i watched vintage project runway (andre and santino) and i chilled the heck out.

then i sat in my room inhaling my trapp candle mary catherine gallager style and wondered how in the heck i let life bend me over and smack me down. not cute...

sometimes chaos gets the better of me.

thank GOODNESS grocery shopping, a little boob tube, and candle sniffing still has the power to de-crackify me.

p.s. my fire alarm went off right as i was saving this post. if that isn't irony, it's something else equally annoying...
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