silent warriors: men and their man code

7.21.2009
if only osmosis worked on men...

here's the deal. my WHOLE life i've been man's best friend. that's what happens when you grow up looking like this:

tish circa 1986 (aka the era of nerd)

yes, i realize man's best friend usually implies dog...that was the idea i was going for. i was an unfortunate-looking child so naturally the boys stayed comfortably in the friend zone for years and years and YEARS. (and i howled at the moon and avoided fleas.) befriending boys became easy breezy.well at least i thought. i'm just now learning that these friendships were one-way streets.

buddying up with dudes, talking about beer and screaming over football does not a dude expert make i've found.

i've had guy buds since the age of 8. you'd THINK this would give me insights unexplained into the male psyche but alas after years of sitting with my dude friends and listening to them talk about what goes on in their brains and with their balls all i wanna do is scratch my head (no pun intended).

i've definitely scooped up a mess of knowledge, but i swear it's sabotaged more than helped. i think guys front to their chick friends because i swear i've tried to apply the "wisdom". i've attempted behavior similar to what my dude's describe as "acceptable woman behavior" and it has STILL landed me in the lip out, arms crossed "all by myself" by celine dion zone.

how does that happen?! is this punishment for abusing "the light"?

i read an article today that attempted to break down the differences between those that stand up and pee pee and those that squat. it failed miserably. i'm not sure but chemicals can't create all the complications between the genders we experience!

i'm rusty on chemical theories but i am certain that without a doubt i am THE worst male brain decoder. i have not a clue how they work and now i must infiltrate man layer, man code, man everything somehow, someway... my guy friends have been admirable opponents. the man force is strong with them. they've done a beautiful job of keeping me out of the he-man woman haters club which is SO not fair being that i've given up countless insights into the woman's soul.

that's fine...i'll get in..muther frickin $#@%*@!

so to all you women out there dating my guy friends...all you who are waiting for me to drop some majorly great maps that lead to the center of their hearts...i'm sorry but all i've got is my dunce papers. i stand at the front of the proverbial classroom of hard knocks writing "i suck at knowing boys. martian doesn't come with a rosetta stone" 100 times in cursive.

for all those that don't believe me watch this week's episode of the bachelorette...PROOF dripping from the lips of a hillbilly man who was too dumb to keep his trap shut. (the he-man woman haters are planning his demise as i type this.)

i did a quick looky loo through a box of old photos i carried out here to la. i'm missing a couple including junior from 4th grade and the red head down on wilson street but you get the gist. good times...


d meister: the devilish demeanor is accurate. nada info

the infamous "fat" (aka fort knox)


chaz: freshmen year bud. i shared the wisdom of clay masks...he shared squat

troy boy: he was much too pretty to bother entertaining me with discussions of the inner workings of the male mind

my play brother j was too busy playing practical jokes like banana in the pants to mess with the likes of me


corey: little brother was late to the game. i moved to los angeles before i could really break the seal on this one's vault


kenny: i should be hanging with this particular male later in the week. we'll dog ear him...there might be hope for me with this one

2 comments:

  1. I'll never forget the first time you showed me that nerdy pic you keep in your wallet. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. "all men are bastards!"

    :)

    I'm glad I found your blog. I've been reading it for like an hour and a half and now my eyeballs hurt so bad I can't even cry during the parts that make me emotional.

    I love you, and I miss you. You're beautiful and amazing.

    ReplyDelete

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