this post is selfish and i apologize.

i watch this show every week called so you think you can dance and every week i get lost in some story and i twirl around the room and i imagine leaping around a stage like the women on the show do. today i watched two dancers do a piece that had me drowning in kleenex. from the moment i heard maxwell's song "this woman's work" tears started falling...

i had fast forwarded through the intro that explained what their piece would be about and i STILL wept. i went back and found out the dance symbolized a woman with cancer and her fight...her dance partner symbolizing the love and the strength necessary to keep his love (her) alive. the judges were in tears, the audience was in tears. it was one of those moments where you feel the whole world is connected to one emotion. and then i broke. and i rocked back and forth crying.

there are certain themes that always tend to pop up in my writing. a partner that stays through the bad times is one of them. anyone that's lost someone they love...anyone that's had to watch someone fight...sat at a hospital bed praying beside someone, rewinding back that person's memories--a desperate attempt to cherish the present...

i sat there and bawled thinking about the this year. i met someone and he became a best friend. i told him everything and for a long long time he was this great person in my life. i found out i had this condition that caused pre-cancerous cells in my body. it was scary and painful and at the end of that ordeal that friend who i now loved told me basically my illness was a barrier between us. i felt like a breed of dog who had just found out there was a flaw in its pedigree. instead of me being a friend with an illness i became an illness auditioning for a friend. i felt dirty and shamed...

when that happened i gave some bitter snap comment back. i acted like i could handle the attack and was strong enough to shrug it off. i buried the feelings quickly except they've come back. my whole body cracked down the middle.

there's a lesson in this. now, at this moment, i realize he was not the one and i'm thankful that he left. to see that dance... to see someone tell a give that sort of blueprint for how love works and what it can it can work is all i need right now. i felt bad for being selfish...for taking that piece and filling it with my own stories but that's the beauty of art. you throw your heart into another's and learn some new truth about yourself and the world you once thought you knew.



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