in my quiet little corner

in my quiet little corner, in my quiet little room
i sit and ponder thoughts carefully in bloom...

(shout out to cinderella)

this has been a really interesting weekend. i've been writing (A LOT) for a project i've been working on and it's totally sparking my interest in writing from the gut.

i tend to edit certain emotions...actual accounts, etc. for my blogging audience. (it's human nature) but i'm feeling anti-pinnochio today. as i sit here in my charming little bedroom, listening to selena sing "i could fall in love..." i contemplate long and short term goals in my life. no lies, no nose stretches.

my cousin wants me to take a trip to costa rica with her at the end of july. i've never been on a real vacation in my adult life...(vacation being i get on a plane for more than a weekend and actually relax and do nothing) so i'm thinking i might just have to suck it up, get out the credit card and do the darn thing.

boy issues...mwahahaha ahhhh...the guy issues. i have this weird screwy guy situation where he digs me but not enough to date me. make sense? keep up. and another guy situation that is cool and swell but makes me feel incredibly boo boo because you should only like one guy at a time, right?! ugh.

so yeah now that joni mitchell is telling me she doesn't really know love at all i feel better in my quiet little room in my quiet little place in one gets this stuff i'm guessing. it might be bad but i think i'll just worry about me for awhile and let the guy situation play out however...and if it bites me in the butt one day for napping in the back row then what least i'll be rested : )

acting is this... i didn't go to class and don't know if i will go for awhile. i wrote a guy i went on a couple of dates with about some voice over work...he gave me his cell and told me to call him (gulp) we'll's the closest to acting zest i can get. for so long that dream of mine was so bright and clear and it burned so fiercely inside me i had no room for doubts but life's allusions are clouding all of that.

i wonder what my purpose really was for moving out here if not for acting. i know i was supposed to get out of the midwest most definitely but...

contemplating can be a scary scary short and long term ponderings are on my mind...but it's easier to swallow being that my ipod's shuffle is cranking out some goodies and the best breeze in cali is passing thru my window.


you're the darker side of the moon

i'm in what i assume to be the best kind of 'funk' one can be in, if they so choose to be in one.

i haven't really felt like doing much of anything but still have the moxy to run and get into the on some personal career goals i've been going after as of late, etc. i guess being on the dark side of something already so bright always gives you a leg up on not being the queen of the debbie

i cleared my calendar for this pasadena morning or acting workshop. i plan to write to my little heart's content, lay out if it's sunny and hang with my marathon training buddy (we'll call him the trainer) down at the beach for this restaurant tour event at some point.

do you ever have times where you just need to shut down completely? i need a serious reboot before i can interact with anyone...big sigh of fatigue.

an affair to remember


e.b. just left...a long visit to the west coast is now over. i can honestly say that i had LOW expectations of the weekend. i planned nothing big...i totally wanted to keep things chill and they most certainly did.

i don't know if i've told the story of eb but we've known each other for a couple of years now and before this weekend we had only met in person one other time. (gotta love the internet) he's the guy i can talk to about anything (and i mean anything). we've had this weird confession-like wall of distance between us for so long that we've grown quite comfortable with that approach and it didn't go away once we were hanging out.

his first night here we ate frozen pizzas and stayed up talking until early in the morning (catch up!) saturday we went to the beach, ate sushi...laughed our behinds off and then split over to melrose for some ufc fighting action. i have to admit i wasn't too fond of those plans initially but it ended up being HUH-LARIOUSLY fun. two shots of tequila each and we were a ball of joy lol. yesterday we went to the grocery store and acted like fools...i tried the kill bill five-finger death punch on him and then forced him to take five steps...he started walking and when i screamed out "no no! stop!" this dude walking beside him freaked the heck out lol...i mean what could possibly cause danger in the super market lol...we laughed so hard we almost peed our pants.

i took him to roscoe's because the dude was seriously buggin over some chicken and waffles and then we went to this fun event i LOVE to go to called cinespia. it's the movie in the cemetery event that i've done a couple times before. we got there pretty late so when we saw a line going down the street of santa monica blvd and around the block we were a little scared...we actually were one of the last groups to make it in...CRAZY! we set up our blankets and ate cheeses (one was a cheese with apricot chunks in it so good!) and fruit, drank wine and just enjoyed "dazed and confused" under the stars. d, e and my gal pal from work kat all made it out and everyone got along really was just nice.

i'm still in the nice daze. i had to have him at the airport at 5:30am (mind you we got home at midnight). still haven't really processed that he's gone but i do know when you find a friend that you can show all your sides to, you're doing pretty good. the man went and worked out with me and even hiked!!! lol i'm a bit twitterpatted.

his story will definitely be a "to be continued..."

memorial weekend 09: it will go down in the books as being a damn good weekend. pictures to come!!!

a speakeasy

so last night i went to a poetry thang in support of the guy who runs my acting workshop. there's just something about hearing grown "A" men and women up on stage pouring their hearts out that drives a gal wild with creativity. it's so inspiring and you can't help but get poetic with how you talk and think about things. like for instance..."i'm tired" becomes "the blues of the night come and blanket me with zzz's" and "that is one beautiful man" becomes " a criminal entered the room, shot into my eyes and kidnapped my heart"

it just doesn't get any better than THAT!

i was having a so so day yesterday and wasn't doing so hot on the guy front (i've become the proverbial friend to all crushes) so i decided to a snag one of those platonic cute friends and head to where words like "friend and platonic" don't make sense. it was great....dark bluesy atmosphere with a sweet little stage and talent to boot. i never did get to see the guy perform that i actually went there for but i still saw some amazing talent, singers, poets, comedians and was a cool time and definitely a good catalyst to get me writing again. (have you noticed my once daily blog has dwindled? so sad but i'm boring now)

i brought my poetry book to work today...i'm just in a love jones kinda mood...hope i don't freak people out with the speakeasy mode i can't seem to shake : )

co-worker: hey do you have that tpp report?

me: in my hand sits the end of mystery, the beginning of know and the period to your question.

peace and love poets.

finding some joy

how zany crazy is it that i resolved to find more joy in my life for the 2009 year and today was so full of the darn stuff i about exploded over with good stuff.

a guy i work with has no fam out here so for his b day today i got the dept these lovely pastry concoctions that seriously were the most fancy schmancy sweets i've ever seen. people didn't want to eat them they were so pretty but it seriously left everyone laughing and saying "mmmm" which popped out my joy with the quickness. the birthday boy took pictures of the goodies and sent them back home to his parents to see...made my heart melt a little.

then after my work out i saw a girl from work walking in the heat so i screamed out at her (yeah i'm obnoxious like that) if she wanted a ride, which of course she accepted and i felt the joy again.

i'm just bubblin over with the stuff. i'm about to go out with some friends to a pub down the way (that i LOVE) and drink some water (meds don't allow it foos) and i'm still gonna love it. that's just what happens when you catch the joy bug.

move over swine flu...there's a new contagion in town!

happy hormone seeking

my oh my, how i love me some oprah!

so before i even decided to spend my evening reading my latest o magazine i had this crazy itch to write a blog that just listed lovely sayings that had made my days thru out the week. then i read this BRILLIANT article in the may issue about lifting your spirits and now it makes perfect darn sense. type type typey away!

so basically in a nutshell the author talks about how human happiness derives neither from external validation (boy don't we know that!) nor solely from within, but from "between": through the relationships created by love, work and "'something larger than yourself".

different lovely catalysts are listed such as looking at a favorite painting, watching inspiring and sweet youtube videos of people helping, loving, etc others...the theory of "hiving" is brought up as well...basically we release these lovely hormones when we do things as a group...sing together, laugh together, cry...etc. (i.e. every time i go to the movies and the whole theater erupts in laughs i walk out i know why)

so yeah i'm down with finding the in betweens that uplift my spirit...HECK YEAH!!!

so a list my friends...partly inspired by the article and partly by my joy odometer.

the book charlotte's web--that's some good friendship baby

amy tan books--i love books that cause me to laugh out loud and i ESPECIALLY love books about women who find strength and kick arse in their lives

cinderfella--the movie seriously cracks me up...jerry the guy

beaches--come on. aren't we all just hillary's and cc's?!

steel magnolias--you flippin laugh and hysterically cry thru out the whole dang thing...either one or the other but you mostly laugh

love actually--i can be sitting at my desk at work, perfectly quiet and just blurt out "oooooo would we call her chubby?" and my coworkers will bust a gut laughing

thinking about standing in a huge massive huddle for the obama inauguration--j and i froze our tails off but it was probably the most wonderfully miserable time in my whole life

quotes that leave me feeling quentessentially queenly:

"we cannot live alone; we cannot find our own meaning alone. we realize our potential, we become alive, only when we find the 'between'."--jessica winter

"all you can do is show up for someone in crisis. your there-ness...can be life giving, because often everyone else is in hiding." --anne Lamott (i love the simplicity & complexity of 'there-ness')

"the world i want begins with me"--Yoruba proverb

"hold fast to dreams for if dreams die live is a broken-winged bird that can not fly"--langston hughes

"oooooohhooooo my tendors"--kung fu panda

spock mentality

i'm a new soul...
i came to this strange world
hoping i could learn a bit about give and take
but since i came here felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake SING it gurl you SING it!

i love it when i love songs without paying attention to the lyrics, then find out what they actually say and/or mean and fall in love even more. i feel that way about miss naim's tune.

intentional head boppin' is a beautiful thang.

i had such a great lovely weekend. my friend kim pointed out that i never gave an update on the cervical cancer scare. well it turns out that i didn't have full blown cancer. i have something called dysplasia (pre-cancerous cells that can be naughty if ignored) so my doc is starting on me these freezing treatments that should do the trick. just call me the ice queen : )

before i would have been angry and scared out of my mind but something in me is preventing that this time around. i just went on uber "love your life" mode. i've been talking to friends i haven't spoken to in quite some time, hanging and laughing with people i hold dear, taking care of my bawd by exercising as much as i can squeeze in, getting flirty with a cutie patootie name lovely and i'm doing that. : )

today i went over to my girl e's parents' home and we ate yummy wonderful food (my famous banana dessert for the after party) and just hung out. i actually colored for an hour or so. her mom does it and says it's therapeutic so i figured why the heck not. i feel rested, relaxed and great...i'm totally ready to do this darn thing tomorrow. i got all my errands is in the fridge. if i'm down for the count for a bit i'll be well-prepared to handle the nasties.

like yael said in her song, i'm making every possible mistake but boy if i'm not experiencing some major joy along the way. i'm living life and life's living me. :)

(i just saw star trek yesterday...i'm kind of on a kick now)

it's totally a "live long and prosper" mentality being upheld in the tish household.

soul & sun tans

ahhhhh....akuna matata

i've just spent my saturday morning laying by my pool...soaking up the rays for a bit of brown skin. (just enough to alert the presses that i am indeed a woman of color)...i'm listening to seal's new album "soul"...nothing like some sexy man voice sangin' "here i am (come and take me)" to wake up the body and brain.

i plan to make an egg/avocado burrito, hop in the shower, run to the grocery store for some more goodies for the weekend and possibly get into some tom foolery with my bud e and maybe later tonight don and my cousin shelly...

it's just a good day to daydream about mojitos and sundresses and leave the stresses of work and whatever else behind.

mojito cheers to weekends spent swirling around soul and sun tans.

luv texts

so i received this delightful text from my gal pal laura this morning. she listed three things about me that she loves and they were really sweet & perceptive things that made my heart glow a little bit.

ironically she mentioned that it's the small things that bring me the most joy... and gosh darn it her small little morning gift definitely proved that's the case.

i think it's good to list the small things in life that bring ya joy...pluck them out on rainy days and let the little things work their magic.

i love when i'm able to stick my head out of the muck, realize i'm happy and just live in it...roll around in it and soak it up. love it even more when good friends are the root cause.

we're coming up on the weekend. i don't know if i'll head to my acting class or not...still think i'm in break mode. might lay by my pool, read a snazzy book and hang with some good peeps i've been meaning to gab with...

oh yeah oh yeah.

p.s. i went and watched "obsessed" with a friend tonight. we got sushi (my fav thing to eat), laughed our butts off making fun of the problems we claim in this world. then took that laughter to the theater where we proceeded to laugh at my ridiculous need to jump at something i expect to be scary (this was just the previews ya'll!) , beyonce's bad acting (still love her though!) and my need to consume a reese's pieces every time the stalker crazy lady did something stalker crazy. i'm full now--tummy, mind and spirit.

...little small things that add up to a good day... a really good day.

grey gardens are looking a bit kiwi

back in march 2008 drew barrymore did an article in vogue about an upcoming film she had just wrapped on called "grey gardens". i eagerly anticipated the release of the film...her article was just so captivating. drew had completely locked herself inside the world of edie beale--this dynamic & tragic woman. i just couldn't wait to see what the heck she had done and if her sanity sacrifices had been worth it.

they totally were.

hbo is currently running the movie so catch it if you can. this post isn't about the flick though...i apologize but i gotta get the heebie jeebies out. i saw a lot of myself in edie beale...and it scared the crap out of me. she had this insatiable appetite to make it in the world of acting. she gave up love affairs because she feared husbands wouldn't allow her to pursue her dream. she basically gave up on any and all life opportunities for a sane comfortable life in the hopes that maybe some day she'd make it big.

i wonder how big dreams are supposed to get...if it's possible for a dream to suffocate and push out the good things that are right in front of us? right in front of me?

an ex sent me a text a bit ago. just three simple words "i love you" and the only thing i could think of was "this dude will get in the way of acting" and i got uber angry..and then a bit freaked. i wonder how many guys i've pushed away or abandoned...i don't really wanna count. sigh...

oh sane friends. someone out there PLEASE tell me if i start to turn into an edie. cuz seriously the broad was a little spooky at the end and i don't know if i can be down with spooky.

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